Tag Archives: infertility

I love Mac and Cheese

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And then there were 2… The last of our batch to make it to blastocyst stage to be biopsied. They’re now frozen and we’re in the last phase of waiting to find out if this cycle was a bust or if I could potentially be pregnant before the end of the year.

It was a bit of a hard pill to swallow and I was a crying mess yesterday after the call. The geneticist had told us a few weeks ago that we have a 25% chance of getting a good embryo so my statistical mind is thinking that this cycle is a bust. The way I see it is that if we even get 1 good embryo it’ll be a miracle. Now, I know miracles happen everyday and I just have to keep the faith but I’m struggling with that a little. I’m lucky to have my people have that faith right now when I can’t. Maybe tomorrow.

We still have 1 more round (either retrieval or transfer) covered by insurance which, by what is the common theme out there, is a miracle in itself. I’m extremely thankful that we can do this again so, while I’m bummed we’re 75% out of this one, I know it’s not even close to the end of the road.

While I was having my mini breakdown, my husband kept saying, “We still have 2, there’s nothing to worry about and even if they don’t make it we can try again. Most people don’t get that opportunity.” This made me immediately feel silly for crying but in my defense, I have been holding in a lot of emotion since we started this cycle. I was even surprised at my lack of emotion throughout the process. I think my body just gave in. I’m well known for keeping my feelings to myself, I was bound to crack.

I had told my work bestie the news amidst my tears and a big glass of champagne and I mentioned that I wanted to name them. I came up with Thunder and Lightning or Helter and Skelter and she, in her infinite knowledge of things that I love, came up with Mac and Cheese. I knew were friends for a reason :).

I went for a run this morning and all I thought about was my two little frozen kiddos, Mac and Cheese. I feel bad for giving up on them last night (and most of today). I’m definitely in a better place. These guys need me to believe in miracles again. I owe them that much. I love them very much already, I can’t give up on them just yet.

To anyone going through some tough times, try to have faith, try to believe in miracles. It’s all we have…. That and wine… we have wine… CHEERS!

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Embryo Update

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Well hellooo. I know it’s been a while but I wanted to rest up fully after egg retrieval and I didn’t feel up to  typing of any sort this weekend :).

So the retrieval was at 9ish on Friday morning. We got there at 7:30 and hubby did his thing at 8:30. The IV they put in hurt like hell. I think my veins were just over it at this point. The anesthetist and the surgeon came to discuss the procedure with me and said I wouldn’t be out for more than 10-15 minutes. I tried reading to occupy my mind but I obviously couldn’t concentrate. When it finally came to go-time they took me to the bathroom to pee then walked me into the room. I had to lay down and pop my legs into the stirrups, there were about 5 people in the room and while she was strapping me in I had to recite my name and DOB for a lady with a clip board. As soon as I laid my head back I was out. I woke up around 10:15 and felt a tiny bit cramping but nothing to write home about. I got some crackers and a ginger ale and waited for the old surgeon to let me know how it went. We were out of there by 10:30 with 14 eggs waiting to be fertilized. I was so relieved and hopeful. It was a good day.

Fast forward to today. I’ve cried a total of 5 times. I’ve gone from insanely happy and excited to honestly wanting to cancel the whole thing and just give up. I had no idea the roller coaster of emotions I would have to endure. This is not fun at all and to top it all off, I am violently constipated. I have IBS issues and they’re in full swing right now. I’m very uncomfortable and emotional. It’s not a good combo.

The tally right now is pretty good, in my opinion. Of the 14 eggs, 13 were mature and 8 fertilized and yesterday I got the call that 7 were still in the running.  They’re not going to call anymore with updates. I have to call them on Wednesday to find out how many were biopsied. I have no idea how I’m going to get through the next couple of days. I think I should start running again. Maybe it’ll help.

I don’t really want to talk about the next steps since I don’t want to jinx anything. I’ll write a blog about my crazy superstitions one day, but today, at this moment, we have 7 potential little babies growing far away from us and I love them and I just hope they’re doing okay.

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Damn you IV!!

Follicle Watch: The Finale

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Estrogen: 2876

Right Side: 9 follicles
Left Side:10 follicles no sizes mentioned but at the ultrasound the tech said I had some 21’s and 19’s and 17’s.

We finally made it… I trigger tonight at 8:30pm. I’ll be doing the following: 150iu Gonal F and 150iu of Menopur and the hCG. The hCG shot is the one with the thick needle that goes into my ample booty. For once I’m happy about my giant bedonkadonk. The nurse says it was a great cycle and I’m crazy excited. Retrieval is on Friday morning so I’ll have a nice long weekend too. Thanks little baby follies for playing along. So proud.

happy-dance- My heart melted a little when my husband said he was excited too. He’s emotions are difficult to gauge most times but I have written proof on my phone now so that’s nice :).

11-5-2014 5-16-32 PM

Proof!

Now if only this day would end, so I can go home. 40min left. tick tock!

Follicle Watch: Episode 4

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Estrogen: 1968

Left side: 9 Follicles measuring 10-17mm
Right side: 6 Follicles measuring 12-15mm

Medication: 300iu Gonal F, 150iu Menopur, 1 pre-filled syringe Ganirelix

Now we’re cooking with fire. The nurse mentioned possible Lupron triggering coming soon. I think we’re finally nearing the end. It’s certainly flown by. I must say I was really down about 8 follicles on Sunday. I know, I know 8 is not that bad a number but I read a blog entry by The Sky and Back where she mentions visualisation and how she used it to shrink a cyst. If you’re reading this, can I share the Coocoo award with you? :)… I talked to my follicles and pictured them growing inside me. I’m not saying it worked but they did grow. Just sayin’ :).

So I go back tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood work. My veins are starting to feel the strain. And I was expecting to be bloated but It’s not a normal period bloat maybe more like a food baby? My tummy feels harder to the touch and I was pretty nauseous last night. Taking it in my stride.

In other news, a dear friend of mine announced a pregnancy today. I am rocking these pregnancy announcements, lemme tell you. lol. Her text to me was beyond sweet and, I could tell, really well thought out. I feel bad that my friends feel a sense of dread or sadness amidst such happy news, where my feelings are concerned. I’m flattered that they thought of us and told us first but I hate this our infertility has affected everyone so profoundly. It’s cruelty really knows no bounds.

Follicle Watch: Episode 1

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So I had my first follicle check this morning bright and early at 6am. Right now, I’m on 150iu of Gonal F and 75iu of burny Menopur. I feel pretty normal, a little dizzy right after injections and I’ve been sleeping like a champ, it’s awesome! No other symptoms but I’m on 3 days of shots in so…

The tech said I have a bunch of little ones and she was smiling so that was good. I was on lunch when the nurse called so couldn’t write everything down. Let’s see if my old battered brain can remember what she said.

So, my estradiol  is at 104, I have 5 on my left and 4 on my right but I don’t remember the sizes (shocking). They’re upping my meds to 225iu of Gonal F and 150iu of Menopur until my next check on Friday.

*** I wrote the above yesterday… Here’s the rest after taking the first increased dosage ***

The increased dosage I took like a champ. It’s starting to get easier. Still no symptoms just headaches I guess, but I always have random headaches. I can feel stuff on my left and right side on and off but I am starting to freak out a little.

Anyway, so I have to refill my prescription, obviously, since I’ll run out of Menopur on Saturday. I’m on the phone with the insurance and as we stand now, they have my order but have to put approve it first. It’s extremely time sensitive and I’m on tenterhooks right now and can’t really concentrate on anything else and we’re pretty busy at work.

Other than that, so far so good. I go back tomorrow for a second follicle check. I can’t believe how fast this is going. The 10 days of stimulation will be over on Tuesday. Really? This is nuts, guys.

G’bye Beer… For a bit…

Posted in Alcohol, TTC drama by

I don’t have an official calendar from the clinic. Just some scribbles on a post-it. All my IVF information is mostly only post-it’s. I do transfer all the information to my calendar at home and my little diary in my bag. Just so it’s a bit more official looking. Here’s my latest post-it:

20141016_143304Basically, I have to be on the pill for 12 days (whoop!) then my suppression check (where they check to see if my ovaries and uterus are quiet and ready for stimulation) is on the 23rd. Before then I have to have a  pre-op physical to check my heart and lungs. Which I did, but what a story. Apparently I have to pay for a physical out of pocket unless I got my primary care physician… which I don’t have… because my insurance plan said it’s not necessary. Well, I guess it’s more necessary than I thought. I’ll get one soon. But I had to pay $150 to have it done at the walk-in. That dr is an absolute trip. An old lady who judges you behind the closed door then walks in all smiles. I can only laugh. She had some words with the nurse about why I didn’t have a PCP then walked in and acted as if the walls weren’t made of rice paper. Oh well. At least I’m physically fit.

credit: Madagascar

credit: Madagascar

I also had to call my insurance pharmacy place to get my meds delivered. They’ll be arriving next Wednesday on the 22nd and if my suppression is good then I can start injecting myself. Maybe that’s when it’ll start to feel real.

So, I know I should have been preparing my body for this a while ago. Luckily I don’t smoke or drink coffee. And I try to limit carbs as much as I can. It’s easier than it sounds until pizza Friday rolls around :). But I did make a promise to myself to quit drinking. This has been the most difficult thing to do so far. Yes it’s only been 6 days and I hardly ever drink during the week anyway but just the thought of not being able to makes me sad. And just our luck we have at least one party every weekend for the rest of this month. But I’m hoping to go alcohol free until after the retrieval. I probably sound like I have a drinking problem. I don’t care! This is who I am. The only motivation is the thought that every beer I say ‘no’ to means 1 healthy eggy. Obviously, not at all fact based but it helps.

Come on next Wednesdayyy!! Why is this week draaaggiiiing!

A Message from Mum

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I am not religious… at all… I was raised in a churchgoing family but as soon as I got confirmed I took that to mean that I didn’t have to go to church anymore. The only times I would go would be Christmas and Easter because my mother insisted. Bless my mom for trying to get Jesus into our hearts. I don’t want to get into my relationship with God or Christianity as a whole simply because I don’t know where I stand at the moment. I have strong feelings on both sides and I just try to balance it out by being a good person as far as I can.

I am extremely blessed to have a Christian mother who cares about me and my desire to have child. I’ve read in some blogs I follow about some mothers not being in their daughters’ corner fully when it comes to this journey to a baby. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it even though I’m sure every mother has a reason for saying/doing what they do. My mother never gives up on trying to get us (my brothers and I and our significant others) to go to church or pray . I know she prays for us everyday and I really don’t appreciate her for that enough. I wish she was closer so I could hug her more. Which brings me to my point.

Last week my mother IM’d me and asked me to watch a sermon on TBN. “Just do it for me.” she said. “You gloss over the bible parts but listen to the message”.

I was skeptical, as usual, because it was an hour and a half long sermon but I had the time and nothing to lose and everyone could do with a message of hope at some point during their lives, right?

I haven’t thanked her yet but we’ll talk tomorrow and I’ll talk to her about it. The message in this sermon is just what I needed. Certain points he made spoke to certain doubts I was having and even though I’m not 100% into the bible side of it. The message was not lost on me and I feel more calm about why I am where I am today. Childless with no rhyme or reason as to why. That’s why I think my mom is special. She knows when to reach out. Sometimes she’s wayyy off point and we get a good laugh out of it. But sometimes she hits the nail on the head.

I’ve put a link below to the 2nd part of the sermon (3 parts, each 30min long) in which he particularly talks about infertility. You can start watching at about 5:00min. Parts 1 and 3 are on the website if you want to watch the rest of it. Part 3 also has some good points in it. His main focus was Abraham and Sarah not being able to conceive and what the point of that was. Joseph’s accent is a bit hard to follow sometimes (at some point he says wombs but it sounds like wounds) but I got the message. I’ve watched/listened to this 3 times now and he got me to choke up a few times.

If you’re feeling a bit lost or down in your journey and you have a couple of minutes to spare, even if you’re not religious or anything, here’s a short little video that may help you feel a little better about your situation. Don’t give up hope, my friends.

“Your child will be… Your child will be… And when that child comes… Wow, what a champion”

Why Does God Allow Delay Part 2 of 3 – Joseph Prince

Thanks mum!

This one goes out to my uterus

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*Sorry for the long post*

I had my HSG (hysterosalpingogram) yesterday. That’s the one where they unceremoniously stick a catheter up your stuff and inject a dye into your uterus and your tubes to see if you have any blockages or anything. For the days leading up to my appointment I had slowly but surely turned myself into a crazy person thinking about all the possible negative outcomes, the worst of which being that the dye wouldn’t make it past my cervix.

I’d had a cystectomy in 2010 to remove 3 cysts on my ovaries (2 on the left and 1 on the right) and back then I wasn’t worried about the surgery having adverse affects on my uterus, so when the Dr mentioned that we’d do the HSG to make sure that surgery hadn’t somehow fused my tubes together, it was a very nonchalant statement that I forgot about. But slowly it grew in the back of my mind until the night before the appointment I was laying in bed unable to sleep convinced that I would have to ask my sister-in-law to be a surrogate for me because my uterus and both tubes are now fused together and my life is doomed. I have a penchant for dramatics sometimes.

Needless to say I was wreck on the day. It didn’t help that we got there a minute late because everyone on the way there thought it would be a good idea to get into some sort of car accident. I know it was a minute because on the sign-in sheet the lady wrote “appointment at 9am, patient arrived at 9:01″… Really? That was necessary? Because, now I’m thinking they’re going to yell at me for coming late and possibly cancelling the appointment then who’s going to carry my child for me now that my tubes are fused and no one will open them for me… Dramatics…

The procedure itself could’ve been worse. I am a complete woos and even though I was high on serious muscle relaxers I was still clawing the nurse’s hand and gritting my teeth while trying to follow the doctor’s breathing instructions. Let me see if I can explain what I was going through really quickly.

I was told to lay flat on my back and they stuck a pillow or something under my butt so I’d be at an incline. Then he stuck the speculum in and cranked it open. I felt like a car being jacked up for a tyre change. Fun times. Then he washed out my cervix and/or uterus with iodine. That was the worst part I think, because I felt sharp pricks for some reason. I just remember trying to concentrate on letting my legs drop open when everything in my being just wanted to clench up and kick Dr Breathe-In-Hold-It-And-Breathe-Out in the face and gtf outta there. But I persevered. Enter the radiologist, turning this into the most awkward party of 4. They all made the big mistake of making the dye injecting a big deal. They kept saying, “Okay it’s dye time are you ready? Do you think you can handle this sh*t? It’s really going to hurt!” Okay, that may have been my inner monologue but that’s what it felt like.

The dye injection part was mostly just a lot, a lot of pressure and cramping. I honestly think the iodine cleaning was more painful. I had the Mirena put in a few years ago. Having that devil toy inserted was waaay worse than this. This was mostly just uncomfortable and my nerves definitely got the better of me and made it awful. When the whole thing was over it was like nothing had ever happened.

At least I got to watch the whole process amidst my writhing in agony. I saw flashes of the screen in between times when I blacked out. I saw a black triangle and then two black long squiggles at the bottom corners of the triangle. Almost like a triangle shaped mermaid’s purse. Turns out the black squiggles were my tubes filled up with dye and then the dye pouring out of my tubes. So everything was all clear. The doctor even said that one’s chances of pregnancy increase after an HSG which would’ve made me really excited if we weren’t dealing with MFI.

So all-in-all, it wasn’t the worst thing to happen to me. I was even a little embarrassed at my behaviour. The staff were consummate professionals and I’m very grateful they waited until after I’d left the room before laughing at my over-reacting.

So what’s next? I guess I have to call them for a follow up appointment to get hubby’s results and figure out our next steps. This was, personally, a big hurdle for me. My next hurdle is going to be having to inject myself in the tummy. But until then, Thank you uterus and fallopian tubes for playing along so far. I love you guys!!

GiantUterusPillow

I love you, uterus…

A quick update…

Posted in Bringing Sexy Back, TTC drama by

K, so I’m on week 3 of insanity. I actually made it through 3 weeks of something. And don’t be fooled, it’s not because I’m enjoying it. The only part I enjoy is maybe 15 minutes in I feel like I’m accomplishing something. That feeling promptly disappears after the workout is over, however, and I have yet to feel the euphoria of a workout well done.

So why am I pushing through? I don’t know guys… I don’t know. But what I do love about these videos is that the people in the background are real. They fall out when I fall out and I know they’re crying when I’m crying. I really hate sweating and crying through a workout while the people in the video are smiling and barely sweating. It does not inspire confidence. Yes, I’m talking to you, girls from Jillian Michaels’ 30 day shred!… There’s one lad from insanity, in particular, whom I just adore. My boy, Frankie. His face is so funny when he’s in pain, I love it. It’s so real. Feels like I’m looking in a mirror. There’s one shot of him with his face screwed up in pain and when he realizes the camera on him he tries in vain to pull it together. I love it. I’ll do insanity all day just to see those faces… I’m doing it for you Frankie!!! PS If anyone’s keeping score I’ve only dropped 2lbs and 1inch in my waist. That’ll do for now, I guess.

Hmmm. What else is going on in my life?

We’re doing a 21 day challenge at work. About 10 of us are all giving up something for 21 days, in an effort to be more healthy. I have chosen to give up refined carbs. This includes beer. My favourite thing in the whole world. We’re on day 12 now and I’m still hurting. I don’t want to go into the details of the withdrawal but know this… it hurts… I.am.sad. I don’t want to talk about it.

And now for my last bit of news. I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not to post about this. Mostly because I don’t want this to be the focus of my blog, but it is going to be my reality now so I guess it’s time. So after quite a bit of back and forth and a bit of denial, Mr and I are going to be starting some sort of fertility treatments. We have an appointment at the fertility clinic on Monday which I’m excited about.  I really don’t know what to expect at all besides the fifteen thousand possible outcomes, so I have no opinions or strong feelings at this stage. So I’ve just been OD’ing on all the fertility information I can. I’ve followed possibly 90% of all the ladies on Instagram who are going through a similar journey and I’ve been reading most of the fertility blogs too. I’m a more than a little obsessed but it’s  how I get when I’m passionate about something.

So yeah, that’s it for me for now. I guess I’ll update you on Monday. Right now I have to go not drink a beer on July 4th. FML!