Author Archives: Just Another Manic Blogger

Sunday Smiles

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Hey!!

So everyone does these awesome posts where they talk about things that make them happy or blessings for the week and I want to do the same!

Welcome to Sunday Happies! I’m working on the name. It’s been a long week and my job is draining all my brain power.

We’ll start small because happiness is a little hard to come by lately… see above about my job and my poor brain. I don’t know if this is the place to complain about a job just yet but know that I’m taking steps to change my situation because I always believe that if you’re not happy then leave and if you can’t leave then drink beer.

But I digress. I only have 2 things this week that made me happy. Baby steps.

1. First, I’m always late with fashion trends. I mean late! I mean, I only started wearing boob tubes a few years ago and I’ll probably start wearing rompers in 2020. So I don’t know if these are out of fashion or if they ever were but I’m in deep love with these capri workout pants. I rarely find clothing I like and capri pants in particular are worrying because I’m 5’1″ and I feel like they’ll make me look chopped. But these make me happy. I only have 1 pair so far and I’ve been living in them. Shopping for clothing stresses me out so when I find something I like, I keep it forever. Yes, I still own clothes from university. Please excuse the lack of molding on the floor there. Our house is a fixer upper than has yet to be fixer uppered.

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2. I made a diaper cake for my friend’s baby shower and I’m extremely proud of it! I’m a closet crafter. I’ll only do it when I have to but I love it. Someone else made a diaper cake too but *whisper* I think my little guy is better. Meet Julio.

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doesn’t the other guy look not too happy to be at the shower? Aww Julio.

Anyway, there you have it. These are 2 things that really made me smile this week and I’m clinging to the smiles… Ooh! I think that’s a better name for this series of posts. Sunday Smiles!

If you’re wondering how the baby shower went, I think it went well. It’s my 3rd shower since we found out we’re infertile and my first shower since our BFN. I first have to mention that these two having the baby are extremely special to me. I can’t explain it but you know those friends you have who are just awesome. They’re of the first few people who we told about our troubles and the support was exactly what we needed. They fell pregnant right off the bat and she took the time to send us a very heartfelt text which I’ll never forget. They’re having a little boy and I’m a little jealous of him having the best parents lol. Anyway, I think the relationship you have with the people who are pregnant around you definitely determines how you’ll react to the pregnancy. I’m so thankful for their friendship and I’m so genuinely happy for them and not even a little sad for me. Well I could still be on a high from the party but It makes me smile. Hmm, I think that’s another thing to add to Sunday Smiles. Yay!

Chasing Pavements

Posted in TTC drama by

Isn’t it funny how sometimes when you’re listening to music at work, there’s one song that comes on that puts into words exactly what you’re feeling and you end up tearing up right when your boss comes over to ask how the day’s going? No, not funny? Yeah, you’re right.

I’m learning so many new things everyday with the IVF process. Today’s lesson(s): Always check, double check, and triple check what your insurance carrier tells you vs what your clinic tells you. Do not, under any any circumstances, assume that what 2 people say is law. Do not trust anything that sounds too good to be true as far as your insurance carrier covering certain procedures. If you do this, you will most likely end up with a surprise bill that you in no way budgeted for and you will invariably find yourself at your desk listening to Adele ask the tough questions, with tears in your eyes playing it off as the end of big yawn so your boss would just go away.

I don’t want to go into too much detail because I’ve since made my peace with it and realize that fighting with my insurance company over a what someone told me over the phone in September is not going to make them reverse their decision or even investigate the matter. But I have 100% learned my lesson and I a wiser for it.. and a little more bitter.

“Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements?”… I don’t know, Adele.. That’s a good question. That’s how I felt on Tuesday after reading the bill and talking to the rudest lady in the collections department at the genetics lab. Just when I came to terms with moving IVF #2 out a few months. I’m now having to come to terms with pushing it out another few more months. And we all know how gut wrenching all this waiting is. I honestly didn’t even want to bother anymore.

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I can’t deal with waiting. Why I break into a cold sweat just thinking about it. And it’s simply because I don’t like that feeling I get when someone I know personally gets pregnant. Don’t like is putting it mildly. We all know the feeling. But can I really live my life in fear while waiting? My friends are either trying to get pregnant, getting married so pregnancy is sure to follow at some point, or talking about baby number 2 and I am experiencing anxiety and depression even though it hasn’t even happened yet. I’m already depressed about pregnancies that are only in my head. I feel like I won’t recover if someone else I love becomes pregnant before me. Really? really?

So I started to shift my thinking… In the time we started this journey 5 of my loved ones have become pregnant before me. 3 of them have given birth to beautiful little angels. And me? I survived through all of it. Was I devastated? Yes. Did I make it through? Absolutely.

The bottom line is that life goes on. People are 100% going to get pregnant before me and I will 100% be a broken mess for a few days (or weeks) and I will 100% get up and carry on. I cannot be afraid of something I have no control over. That’s no way to live. I have to start to live again.

Now I don’t know where we stand with IVF #2 anymore. I have a few things going on that I’m excited about and right now IVF #2 does not excite me. I almost can’t believe I’m saying that but it’s true. The way the genetics lab and my insurance carrier have handled this bill has left a very bitter taste in my mouth and I have two work with both of these entities again when I’d really rather just spit in their respective faces (especially that rude bitch on the phone).

I’m not giving up, Adele. And I’m not chasing pavements either. I am just going to try and regain control of my little world for now.

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award

Posted in Random Tales by

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I really enjoy these awards because I love getting to know all of you! My Perfect Breakdown nominated me this time and I’m super happy. Thank you, my friend. You’re certainly one of my favourite bloggers and I’m quite honoured to be on your list of nominations :). If you all don’t know MPB by now, then you’re probably new to the blogging world. Follow her, you won’t regret it. xx

The rules for this award are pretty simple:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you, linking back to their site
  • Put the award logo on your blog
  • Answer the ten questions the nominator has set you
  • Make up ten new questions for your nominees to answer
  • Nominate ten people

My Answers:

What’s your favourite thing about blogging?

It took a while to get it going but I’m ever thankful for the connections I’ve made. In real life it takes a while for people to warm up to me, perhaps it’s my resting bitch face lol but I feel like I’ve made good friends now, 1 year into blogging.

What was the last thing you saw at the theatre and what did you think of it?

In my husband’s OKC profile he mentioned that he’s looking for someone to watch movies at the theatre with since it’s his favourite thing to do. That being said, we haven’t been in aaages. We have to be better. The last movie we watched was either Interstellar or the Hobbit, bad memory. Interstellar was amazing and I bawled like a baby. The Hobbit was great as well but I read the book so I have my issues with it but hot Kili made up for it.

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Isn’t he beautiful?

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If you meant theatre theatre, we don’t do that often at all but we saw the Book of Mormon last year sometime. Plays are always great but never on the top of my list of fun nights out. Does that mean I lack culture?

What’s left to do on your bucket list? Have you actually crossed anything off it yet?

Gosh, my bucket list is food related and not very difficult to do for some stuff.
1. I want a cronut from Ansel’s bakery
2. I want sushi from Sukiyabashi Jiro. I watched a documentary on it on Netflix and now I have to go. Their plates are like $300 per person but it must be done. Also Jiro (the sushi master) is like 200 years old so he’s not going to be there for much longer.
3. I want to try any type of street food in Thailand
4. I want giant shrimp in Mozambique
5. I want to try a $2 buffet in Las Vegas (or any cheap buffet)
6. I want a reuben sandwich somewhere in New York City (Any suggestions?)
7. I want to try puffer fish sushi somewhere.
8. I want to spend a lot of money on a very expensive restaurant somewhere. One of those 9 course, chef special, foam on the plate type places.
9. I want to go to class to make cheese and start making my own cheese.
10. I want to have a giant bucket of crawfish in the south somewhere.
11. I want to have haggis in Scotland.

I could talk about this stuff forever but I’ll leave it there.

Who is your embarrassing/weird celebrity crush?

Hmmm… Maybe Louis C.K.? Funny goes far with me.

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Summer or Winter?

100% Summer! Cocktails!

Beach/pool holiday doing nothing or running, jumping climbing trees somewhere completely random?

Beach/pool please! I’m a big fan of doing nothing.

Did you go to university? If so, what did you study and do you think that your degree has helped you in later life?

I did indeed. I was forced by my parents but oh so grateful for opportunity. Rocky start though. I started with a BA Psychology degree but dropped that with the quickness after a year. The went in a completely different direction with BSc degree in Statistics, Mathematics and Applied Math. And then in SA we do an Honours degree after the Bachelors and before the Masters so I have an honours degree in Statistics.

Has it helped me later in life? Well it helped me get my foot in the door for some great jobs. I haven’t used it to my fullest potential because I always sell myself short when applying for jobs. My jobs have always been in the general realm of statistics but I’ve never find myself not doing a lot of hard core stats. I’m my own worst enemy.

How would you spend your ideal day, with no budget or time restrictions? (i.e. being able to jump countries or continents in an instant)

I would jump home with hubby and take all my USA friends and have a giant braai (barbeque) with my friends and family in SA. Lots beer, lots of meat, lots of laughter, lots of love.

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What would you call your autobiography?

Tales of a 30 year old nothing… I guess.

Do you cook/bake from scratch? If so, do you have a signature dish?

Yes! It’s my favourite thing to do ever. I’m not so good at the baking but I recently made a successful batch of hot cross buns from scratch after many flops. Very proud moment.

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Signature dish? I had to ask hubby. He says Hong Kong Chicken but now I realise I haven’t made it in ages so he must be hinting. Luckily we have chicken in the freezer :).

My 10 Nominations Are:

That was a lot of fun. I hope you guys have as much fun doing it as I have. Oh and my questions are the same as above. I’m going to nominate new blogs I’ve started following.

1. I Choose To Be In A Lovely Place

2. Http://jettsetter007.wordpress.com

3. Expecting To Be Expecting

4. Try Try Again

5. 2ndaryclass Citizen

6. The Great Pudding Club Hunt

7. Hoping On Hope

8. Confessions Of Little Miss PMA

9. Completing The Howard Clan

10. Stitchingafamily

Just Five More Minutes, Mom

Posted in TTC drama by

I’m afraid my blog is going to become decidedly boring if you’re only looking for TTC related posts. We do have a new plan for making a baby but it involves a hiatus of at least 5 months, which I’m finally okay with since I have a lot to do to prepare.

My WTF appointment went really well. He’s decided to start me on higher doses of meds (Menopur and Gonal F) in the beginning and then dropping me down after, if the need arises. That way we’re not catching up. He’s also going to make me get 2 different triggers (Lupron and a different one, I forget which) and then decide which to use based on follicle sizes at the end.

And because my insurance is as it is we have to redo some of the diagnostic tests. N’s SA, disease screening, etc. But a new test is the sonohysterogram. I’m obviously dreading this but it’s a long way away so no need to work myself up now.

I think that was all but of course, now there’s the wait. I’ve said this before but it bares repeating. My insurance only covers 2 cycles at 80%. The catch is that they count a retrieval and a transfer as two separate cycles. We had them cover our first retrieval and we paid for the transfer out of pocket. Now we’re going to repeat this process and have to save up the 20% for the retrieval and another 5ish grand for the transfer…

So there you have it. The wait is on.. again. I do have plenty of things to do in between then and now to keep myself occupied but I’m still not done hiding under the blankets. I’m not ready to start fighting yet. I think it’s because I’ve realized now how big of a fight it is. I know I can do it but it’s so much easier to stay under the blankets.

Maybe tomorrow…

download Quote Nothing in life worth having comes easy

After the Dust has Settled

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So the phone call on Friday evening came as no surprise but I still allowed myself to weep silently for a while. We have our follow up appointed (more affectionately named, the WTF happened appointment) on Tuesday and he wants us to meet with the PGD team too for some reason. Is it okay that I’m angry because I’m dreading this appointment? I don’t like crying in front of strangers and I will most certainly cry if someone mentions what happened. I really don’t want to do it.

It is now Sunday morning and I think I’m all cried out. Yesterday was spent telling my family, friends  and some ttc sisters that we kept the FET a secret and that it hadn’t worked. The outpouring of love and support was too much for me  and I was a weepy mess all day. I went to get my hair coloured and cut with a good friend and she bought me lunch after and we talked about it as much as I could. I definitely needed that.

I spent the rest of the day wallowing in despair. I felt a physical pit in my stomach. Probably the same spot where a baby is supposed to be growing right now. The injustice of it all.

I’m so angry. Angry at myself for getting my hopes up. Angry for not telling anyone because it was so lonely going through this even though I knew it was best for me at the time. I’m angry that I’m letting it get to me so much. I’m angry that we can’t try again immediately. I’m angry that we probably won’t be able to try for a long time while we save up.

I’m so sad. I’m sad that I couldn’t keep my baby alive for more than a few days.

I’m so scared. I’m scared that a childless life is a real possibility. I’m scared that everyone else will become pregnant before I do.

So here we are today. I’ve made a realisation. Before, I feel like I was an outsider looking in. Infertility was just a thing I couldn’t put my finger on and it didn’t feel real. But when I look at that positive pregnancy test I realise what I had and what was taken away and how much I actually want and need to be a mother. It’s awakened something else in me. I’ve never in my life been pregnant before and now that I’ve tasted it, I’m addicted and it’s fucking scary. Determination in the face of extreme adversity is new to me.

I’ve never before had a real purpose I don’t think. Nothing this real anyway. I’m faced with 2 options. Quit… Or fight to the death. Right now I’m really on the fence because I’m at rock bottom it could go either way. The only reason I feel like quitting is because I have no fight in me today. Thinking of this fight is tiring me out. I’m sure I have it in me but not today.

Maybe tomorrow.

Oh look… I guess I’m not all cried out…

TWW (Two Week Wait) – Long Post

Posted in TTC drama by

CHAPTER ONE:

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit scared out of my mind. Actually I’ve had moments of despair knowing in my heart that this won’t work.

Our baby is an EBBB graded embryo. This is different to the number-letter-letter grading so I looked it up and this is what it means:

Blastocysts are graded on the basis of expansion/size, ICM (inner cell mass) and Trophectoderm (TE) and recorded by a string of FOUR letters. First two letters refer to the expansion/size of the blastocyst and the following two letters denote the quality of ICM and TE respectively.

Expansion:
Early Blastocyst (<50% cavity)=EB
Expanded Blastocyst (>50% cavity)=XB
Hatching Blastocyst=HB
ICM:
Based on the cohesiveness and the size, the ICM is (subjectively) graded as A (GOOD), B (FAIR) or C (POOR).
TE:
Depending on the number and microscopic morphology of cells in the trophectoderm layer, it is graded as A (GOOD), B (FAIR) or C (POOR).
As you can imagine I’ve been googling EBBB success rates and scrutinizing the picture they gave us. I’m just not sure. And another thing that’s worrying me is that when they thawed it it didn’t grow further. It didn’t degrade which is fantastic but it didn’t progress either.
On the other hand I have a few symptoms, I think. I have a constant cramp in my lower abdomen. I don’t know if this is good or bad. It’s not painful just constant. It feels like ovulation cramp just all the time but it goes away when I walk around. And every now and then I feel a tiny stab in my lower abdomen too. This is the only thing giving me hope as I’ve read about this happening.
Now I’m dealing with guilt for not having faith, despair because I don’t think this is it, hope because I’m crampy. I heard the tww was a rollercoaster but my goodness.
1 day down… 9 days to go. fml.
CHAPTER TWO:

I woke up in complete despair. I’m very fragile and husband mentioned that the clinic took $145 out of our account without notifying us. This was not what I wanted to hear. I woke up with no more cramps so that was already messing with me.

I had a nightmare last night. I don’t remember much but it involved my niece and nephew getting up out of bed and running to the door screaming. I don’t know why or what from but I could sense the fear and it stayed with me after I woke up. I had to pee and that felt a little reassuring because I don’t generally have to pee in the middle of the night and I didn’t have anything to drink too late last night.

But the drive to work was a nightmare. I was annoyed with this money story and just not feeling very positive about anything. It was very overwhelming and I almost cried.

I remember feeling like this when they told us we only had 2 embryos to test. It was a dark time. But I crawled my way out of it and was in a very good place. I was at peace with either outcome and I need to get there. I have to try and enjoy where I am right now.

I’m actually IM’ing a friend from back home about my dark mood and he’s helping a little. I’m feeling way better than I did this morning. To help matters the $145 wasn’t the clinic it was actually the double acupuncture appointment on Tuesday :). So I’m definitely better in that regard.

Although the constant cramp is gone and I’m a lot less bloated today, I’m still feeling very small tiny blips in my lower abdomen and I’ve had subtle heartburn since I had some chicken salad a few hours ago. The first time I’m enjoying heartburn.

In my head I’m singing the song Phoebe sang to the fetuses the day she got implanted with 5 embryos in that one episode of Friends! I love how she got implanted and got a positive test that very same day!! Ah if only.

 CHAPTER THREE:

I am 4dp5dt.

The crazy fog has lifted. I think the universe was looking out for me. On Wednesday, in the midst of my funk, 3 bloggers made posts that spoke to me directly and really helped me to get a grip. A big thank you to girl4182 for this post, chels819 for this post, JENNIE for this post (and Caroline for the quote) and of course my husband for reminding me to remain positive. Each of you said something I absolutely needed to hear so really really thank you.

My next thank you is obviously to Shonda Rhimes (lol). Without giving too much away, Amelia has to a surgery but before she goes in she does a superhero pose… The theory is that if you stand in a superhero pose for about 2 minutes while breathing deeply and standing tall with your chest out, you will feel more confident and positive and your mood elevates… I googled it. It’s a real thing. So, yes, I dragged my ass off to the bathroom because I didn’t want to look like a fool in front of my colleagues and I stood in superhero pose for 2 minutes.

Did it help? A little. But only because I ended up chuckling at myself. I felt a little silly but I did feel better after.

My final thank you goes out to Earth Wind and Fire. Because how can you be in despair when listening to Earth Wind and Fire?

Yesterday at 3dpt I still didn’t have any symptoms but I was okay. I was thinking about where I was. 3dpt was further than I’d ever been in this journey and that in itself is amazing! I never thought I’d be here. One day at a time.

And now I’m here! 4dpt! I have a constant cramp on my left side since I woke up and while it’s not there anymore, my boobs felt heavy and my nipples were tingly. I keep jiggling my boobs to test but it’s definitely gone. I hope I’m not the only one out there jiggling her boobs during the tww :). The cramp is there though. There’s a part of me that’s worried about it being ectopic but I really can’t worry about that now. One stressor at a time please.

Anyway, This time last week I was saying this time next I’ll possibly be 3dpt and now I can say this time next week I’ll possibly be… argh, I can’t even write it. Damn you superstitions!

Hope everyone is doing well. Here’s some Earth Wind and Fire. Play this while doing the superhero pose if you’re feeling down. 🙂

CHAPTER FOUR:

The two week wait sucks

CHAPTER FIVE:

I almost tested this morning but I think the universe was looking out for me because I couldn’t find the bag of wondfo’s I bought just for this reason! Picture me with a full bladder running and dancing around the house this morning looking for them. It was pretty funny. I’m still not sure if I should test or not. N gave the thumbs up but I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for a BFN.

I still have no idea if this has worked or not. My symptoms are barely worth mentioning. It’s like my body is teasing me with symptoms. And I’m only quasi-moody. Yesterday I had a nagging cramp on my right side for solid 6 hours. I had to practically scootch all the way down in my seat to get comfortable then on the drive home my left butt cheek went numb. And then today, nothing. WTH!

In the meantime I’ve just been rubbing my belly and talking to my kid and kissing the picture of the embryo everyday.

8 days down… 2 more to go.

CHAPTER 6

9dp5dt and I was pregnant for a day.

I shouldn’t have tested. I’ll never do that again. Yesterday I found a test in my back pack from last year. I forgot I had it. The expiration date was 2016 so I thought it would be okay. That was my first mistake. On my way home I bought 2 dollar tree tests. That was my second mistake. When I walked in I just told N we’re doing this. I squeezed out a 7:30pm pee on the old test and immediately got a faint positive. I had never seen a positive in my life. We didn’t talk about it much. Just enjoyed the rest of the evening in silent elation. I couldn’t stop looking at the stick. I kept checking it every half hour just to make sure I wasn’t seeing things but there it was. We watched Tosh.O and the Empire finale (how good is this show, man! My new favourite) and half of Family Guy. Then I attempted to go to sleep. I obviously tossed and turned for hours. I was over the moon but still scared. I didn’t want to get too excited but I couldn’t wait for this morning’s test. Just to put me at ease.

I did not expect the glaring negative that appeared this morning. Not even a hint a line. Nothing. So much nothing. I’ve never hated an inanimate object so much. Confusion. Anger. Despair. Why did I test? What’s going on? a chemical pregnancy? A false positive on the other test? I’ll never know. I know false negatives are few an far between so I’ve given up hope. I still have a pain on my lower left side but it’s not as bad as the pain in my heart right now.

N tried to reassure me but I’m a little inconsolable right now. Also, we kind of knew this was a long shot and that we should try to take this round as a trial round but how can I not be a little distraught?

Infertility sucks my friends. But onward and upward. At least I can drink again.

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Hi Baby!

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Bye Baby…

CHAPTER SIX:

Well, there it is… The dreaded voicemail… Waiting until I get home so N can listen to it. I can’t bear it.

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Embaby on Board

Posted in TTC drama by

I’m 1dp5dt (1 day past 5 day transfer)… Wow, I never thought I’d get to write that ever. I’m in shock. Again, one of the many things I’m feeling. Here’s the blow-by-blow.

We got to acupuncture at 8:30. Dr L is so great he came in especially for me since he doesn’t open that early so that was greatly appreciated. I was relatively relaxed and had a hell of a lot more needles put in. It was a good session but was subsequently ruined when I saw a voicemail from the clinic. My heart was racing when I listened back but it was just them saying they’re definitely doing the transfer but pushed my time up to 11:45. I’m very glad that I made us get a move on early. We were up there by 10:30 and faffed around until 11:15 when I had to do my nervous pee.

My transfer was set for 12:45 but I had to come an hour early to start drinking water and take a valium and sign paper work. She said do 2-3 cups of water and to space it out since we had a lot of time. I forgot that I have a toddler’s bladder and I only got through a cup and a bit and I was bursting… and we still have 30min to go. I don’t listen to instruction well when I’m nervous. I asked the nurse if she knew if my child survived the thaw and she was like “Yes, that’s the only reason you’re here.”. The morning phone call is to tell us to come in or not. That made me feel really good but she said that the day 5 embryos always thaw perfectly and they have it down to an art :). Dr G gave us and 80% thaw survival rate. That 20% still had me up at night.

I was given a wrist band with my details on it and we were ushered into the room where the magic happens. I only had to undress the bottom half and neither of us had to wear the bonnets or shoe covers some people wear. The old doctor with the high waisted scrubs who did my retrieval was doing the transfer which makes me wonder what our RE’s job is if he’s not doing retrievals or transfers.

My bladder was ridiculous at this point. I really could barely deal but I was brave. The nurse said it was perfect and didn’t want me to go empty it a little. So, it was a party of five in there. Me, N, ultrasound nurse, old man doctor and cheerleader clipboard nurse who had very complimentary things to say about my uterus. She had me confirm my name to her twice to make sure we don’t get any embie mix ups. Then it was speculum time.

ultrasound nurse was so gentle I wanted to kiss her. So I didn’t pee all over Oldie. The speculum was as it always was, terrible. He also cleaned my cervix with the cheerleader smiling at my vagina creepily. The catheter was a breeze, I saw it on the ultrasound but didn’t feel it go in. I did start shaking though. I was getting very cold. So they brought me a warm blanket and life made sense again.

Then Ultrasound opened a side door and said “We’re ready”. 2 embryologists (I assume that’s who they were) appeared in unison with another clipboard and asked my name and checked my wrist band, then left and closed the door…in unison. Cheerleader said they’re just prepping and I should see it pop on the screen. 5 seconds later there it was.

I let out a really loud gasp and Cheerleader and Ultrasound said “awww”… So tiny and perfect. They took a pic for us. They said it thawed perfectly. I still can’t put into words what I was thinking or feeling. The screen went back to the ultrasound and we waited until the embryologist twins came in with my baby in a tube and silently left and we watched Oldie do his thing. It was over before I knew it. I didn’t get a picture of the little white line in my uterus that was my baby but seeing it was priceless.

After that, our new friends wished us luck and we were given all the necessary instructions. No bed rest, just take it easy and that was that.

Back at acupuncture I couldn’t really relax when I was on my back. My mind was racing and it was colder than usual but when I was on my stomach I was out like a light. It was awesome until the heating lamp thing dinged and startled me. I twitched really hard and pulled something in my lower back and felt a twinge in my abdomen. I’m really scared about that, but trying to put it out of my mind.

When we eventually got home, I’d hired 3 movies (Catching Fire, Delivery Man and Big Hero 6). Catching Fire and Delivery Man were trrrrash. Don’t bother. Big Hero 6 was awesome. We had a really late lunch/early dinner and I had halloumi cheese and olives as a 9pm snack. I’m going to write a post about my love for halloumi cheese. It warrants it’s own post. And then we went to bed and as I was dozing off N put his hand on my tummy thus making a perfect day even more perfect.

This whole transfer experience was surreal and awesome. And even if it doesn’t work out for us this round, I highly recommend it… well, you know… if you have to.

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The Call

Posted in TTC drama by

We’ve finally made it. It’s finally transfer day eve.

The call came at 3pm. Do they do that on purpose you think? Oh yes, let’s make them sweat until their about to snap and THEN call them *evil laugh*. I’m sure they have a process but man that’s a long wait. I took half of today off and went to get some socks to wear tomorrow. I was looking for ladybird socks but settled for cute pineapple ones. I also found very cute ladybird earrings. I also realised that I still have the t-shirt I wore on our first date, so I’m going to wear that too.

To say that I’m excited is beyond an understatement. Actually excited is one of the many emotions I’m feeling. I’m certainly not going to be sleeping tonight. I have my first acupuncture appointment at 8:30 then we take a long drive up to Lexington for noon. I’ll then drink water for an hour and take some yummy Valium. Transfer is set for 1pm after which I’ll go back to the second acupuncture appointment.

Unfortunately, I’ve taken no time off work. I have 2 weddings in July in South Africa and I have to save all my time off but depending on how I feel I may work from home.

So that’s it… 4 more hours til bed time. I’ve already cooked dinner. I made my favourite soup that should take us until Thursday. I don’t want to have to cook anything for a few days.  Now how am I going to kill 4 hours? Maybe I should do my hair…

I’ll leave you with some pics of the stuff I got for the transfer. And a little painted stone ladybird from our yard. N’s grandmother painted it a while back and I forgot we had it.

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Ain’t No Party Like a Crinone Party

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We added Crinone to the mix. Things are ramping up.  I’m still not feeling any side effects, though. I would be worried but all my tests are saying that everything is running smoothly. I have had to take a melatonin to help with sleep. But other than that I’m sound as a pound.

They told us when we started this process in November to abstain from sex until transfer… That’s over 3 months of no sex. That’s not realistic. But I think last night was the last for a while now that I’m doing vaginal progesterone suppositories. I mean that’s really not sexy. We did use a condom last night. It was weird to be using a condom for the first time in 5 years.

OMG! I just realized yesterday was our 5 year anniversary of knowing each other. Wow! I’ve never been in love with someone for 5 yrs nor have I have I fallen more in love as time progressed. Right now he’s sitting next to me cursing at his laptop for some or other reason, just being all cute. I’m gonna go kiss him for a bit.

T-minus almost time for transfer. (I still can’t physically write down the date. lol).

xxx

Midweek Freak

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Guys I’m freaking out. I haven’t slept in two nights. I think melatonin will be on the menu tonight.

Transfer is in 7 days. I think the gravity of it hit me last night as I was dozing off. I am 100% invested now. A place I didn’t want to be in case it failed. I’m locked between grieving a loss and picking out colours for the baby’s room. OMG we’re sleeping in the baby’s room right now. We need to get this house finished. Wait. I’m not even there yet. I can’t deal with myself right now. I knew this would be the longest week ever. Why is it only Tuesday? Why is it only 1:57??! Shit, it’s already Tuesday! I have one more week. It’s going too quickly. But it’s going so slowly too! Argh!!

*Breathe*

That’s just a tiny glimpse of what’s going on in my mind. I really haven’t been able to concentrate at work. This is nonsense.

Tomorrow is my last ultrasound and blood work (according to the calendar) and I should be adding Crinone tomorrow evening. Tonight is potentially my last game of volleyball for the season. I hope we win.

Anyway, just wanted to pop in to document that I’m losing my mind. I can’t comprehend what’s happening and it’s very unsettling. This is actually when I need my acupuncturist but he’s out of town until Sunday!

Sorry if this was a little all over the place. I need to get back to work.

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