Author Archives: Just Another Manic Blogger

At Least…

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One thing infertility has taught me is to be very mindful of what I say to people and to remove some words from my vocabulary.

We see a lot of “What not to say to someone suffering from infertility” articles and I always try to apply that sort of thinking to my everyday interactions with people.

The two words I’m the most conscious of are “At least”. I actively make a point of never starting my response with “Well, at least…” to any news even if it’s just someone feeling fat that day.

I know it’s human nature to want to make someone feel better but when we replace their pain (my boyfriend and I broke up) with another seemingly less painful scenario (well, at least you’re free to do as you please now) doesn’t really make them feel better. I think it makes them push down their current feelings of despair when they’re not ready and that’s never helpful. We have to be allowed to grieve and feel the emotions of whatever we’re going through and the words “at least” do not help with the grieving at all.

I know that I’m preaching to the converted here and we’ve all been give some “At least” lines a few times while navigating  this infertility road, though.

I think, where I am now, I’m good at being more empathetic towards people. I have a pretty good handle on putting myself in other peoples’ shoes. Sometimes to my own detriment but that’s another story. What I’m trying to learn now is to remove the words “At least” from my vocab when talking to or about myself.

I always tend to diminish my own pain and struggle with these two words and I’m trying really hard to change that.

For example, when IVF 4 failed. I’d always say, Well at least this isn’t my 10th failure. I’m still a puppy in the infertility failure world.

While it’s true, it’s really something I shouldn’t have said. Yes, it did help me get up off the ground faster, but it didn’t help me heal properly from the failures.

This “At least” tactic I use on myself I learned from being in an abusive relationship. I actually just realized I almost did it again. I almost wrote “a semi abusive relationship”. I almost wrote it that way because well, at least he never left bruises.

I really have to constantly remind myself that “At least” doesn’t fix the problem. It doesn’t make my situation better. And it is a struggle because if you take away those fix it words you’re forced to face the problem. You’re forced to internalise and feel those stupid painful feelings.

Nobody wants to feel pain, least of all me. But what’s interesting is this. My shitty relationship taught me how to switch off all pain and I’m quite adept at it now and what I find fascinating is that it helped me get up and dust myself of quicker with each failed round of IVF. I would cry for a day but the next day I could act like nothing happened. When you’re in a shitty relationship most of your days are spent acting as if nothing happened just to survive. But the fact that I could push through and not appear broken is a skill I’ve mastered. And as much as I’m loathed to say it, maybe those 2.5yrs with that guy weren’t completely wasted.

My job now, is to unlearn that behaviour. I have to feel all the feelings and stop switching off the pain. Because as much as it is a good survival tool, it’s not a good tool for living.

I definitely still need therapy because I’m still not able to talk about that part of my life without some sort of reaction and I carry a lot of hatred towards that person still. I want to start healing and I want to be more whole.

Anyway, in the absence of therapy, I have my self awareness and my tiny life lessons and my goals for now. And this blog of course.

Sorry, if this turned a little deep and dark but it is Monday after all. Just getting some thoughts out of my head.

A Balanced Translocation

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We’re almost at the half-way mark with this little guy. Last week we had our anatomy scan and he’s doing really well. We have a fetal echo cardiogram scan next month but the doctor said that she doesn’t foresee any problems with that since we saw all 4 of his heart chambers and they looked good.

It was a long appointment but it was really cool to see how they measured everything and we got a few good pics (will try to post them on the new page if I figure out how). He definitely has his dad’s profile IMO. The best part for me was seeing him move and feeling him move at the same time, just confirming what all these flutters really are. He was very active and the tech had her work cut out for her. She had to take a 10min break and made me switch positions and poke my belly to try to get him to turn. When she came back he seemed to be napping so it was smooth sailing after that.

Before we did the anatomy scan they had us meet with their genetic counselor to explain the process and discuss our history. She had the most lovely accent that we could not place. That’s not relevant to the story but it was really lovely.

She asked us why we did IVF and we mentioned the balanced translocation and her eyes seemed to light up. Like we were her first interesting case of the day. She was surprised that it wasn’t in our file so she wasn’t prepared but she gave us all the risk factors and went through our family tree. We’d already done this with our first genetic counselor meeting years ago when we first heard about the BT but it was nice to get a refresher, I guess. She said that the NIPT test we had is so very accurate and she trusts it more than the anatomy scan since that obviously only picks up physical markers.

At the end of it I asked how soon after he’s born can we test to see if he has his father’s BT or not. She said that if we didn’t want to stick him they could draw the blood at birth from the umbilical cord. Then she said “If you feel it necessary to know that information.”

It never once crossed my mind to not know. She said that what if we tell him and he feels he could have gone have done without that information. She said that N is fine so the baby will be fine. I found it strange that she seemed like she was in the out-of-sight-out-of-mind camp and I didn’t really like it.

Why would you not want to know that information? Our plan is to find out as soon as possible and start having age appropriate conversations with him about what it means IF he happens to have the BT.

I’m a silent stalker in a BT support group on FB and this topic came up a few times and almost everyone overwhelmingly agreed that they would want their children to know as soon as possible, mostly because the would have wanted that information up front as well. Some of them even spoke about starting IVF funds for their BT children as an option which I think is great.

This also brought to light a few other thoughts I’ve had about passing a BT on to a child. What if he has a BT and when we explain it to him and what the possible implications are and he ends up hating us for doing this to him?

It’s a possibility. A scary possibility. One that I have to be prepared for. We have some time to discuss this and prepare ourselves and there’s also the chance that he doesn’t have one he could end up hating us for some other reason. Perhaps because we got him circumcised without his permission. Perhaps because he’s mixed race and he struggles to find his place in society. Maybe he’ll hate us for inheriting my big bunny teeth and his dad’s bad eye sight.

There are so many maybe’s here. Too many. I’m sure everyone has this fear to a certain extent. But the truth is, you just never know who your child will be and how they will react to certain situations. You just have to try to do you best with what you have.

I think our best bet here is to remember that he will have a kind heart and a fighter’s spirit that he inherited from us. And he has two parents who love him immeasurably and we will always try to do the right thing by him.

 

My Last Two Week Wait

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Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who’s responded to my last post and gave their thoughts. You’ve all really made me feel better about how I’m handling being on this side of the fence. I did some thinking and what usually triggers me (even for a few seconds) is bump and ultrasound pics. I think those I’ll add to a separate page if anyone is interested to see (if I take any bump pics). My reasoning is mostly because this wasn’t intended to be a strict infertility blog. It was a “Life in my 30s” blog. Infertility just took over the last few years of it.

But please know that I will always try to be mindful of what I say and which words I choose. I hope that I can stay true to this blog and this part of the journey while still remaining sensitive and respectful. ❤

In this post I want to go into detail, with dates, about my TWW. I’m going to try my best to remember what happened both for myself and anyone who likes to compare symptoms. I also realized that I never posted my beta numbers and I enjoy comparing these to others as well.

Wednesday April 5, 2017: Transfer day.  Spent the day resting on the couch.

1dp5dt: Took this day off work as well and spent the day with my friend B and her son. I don’t remember too many details just that we watched Dave Chapelle on Netflix. No symptoms.

2dp5dt: Back at work. Spent most of the day Googling symptoms. Shocked at how many women have symptoms on day 2. Granted they could be progesterone but still. I had nothing.

3dp5dt: Still no symptoms. We went to our friends’ daughter’s 3rd birthday party and spent the day with them afterwards. It was a great distraction. Plus pizza and cake!

4dp5dt: Woke up in the middle of the night by what felt like a panic attack. I felt a strong wooshing feeling through my body. I could even hear it in my ears it was so weird. Then I got an instant hot flash (flash or flush? anyway) and had to throw the blankets off my and my heart was pounding. It was a little scary but I remember reading about this in one of the forums. Could this be it? The rest of the day I felt unrested and sluggish but no other real symptoms. Obsessively Googling. This was also the day N and I went on that quick hike and I was attacked by that tick.

5dpd5dt: Half way! Feeling normal again. Distraught. Decide to start getting into the Easter spirit with baking and food prep. I remember this being the worst day and being quite weepy.

6dp5dt: Another symptom-less day at work. On the drive home an extremely sharp pain runs across my abdomen and down to my lady bits. It took my breath away and I even had to take my foot off the gas and hunch over. Something clicked right then and I began talking to my child. “Oh my goodness, that’s you isn’t it? You sure took your sweet time but thanks for that, little one”. I’ll never forget this day.

7dp5dt: Tiny little lower abdomen twitches about every 2 hours or so. Absolutely no other symptoms. I rubbed my tummy and talked to my embryo all day. We were in this together.

8dp5dt: I couldn’t tell if this is nausea or if I was making it up it was so mild. But my boobs were starting to ache. Something like just before my period and it was almost period time. I was also having more discharge. Another “almost period time” symptom. I’m feeling despondent.

9dp5dt: Easter Friday. Day off work. N had to work. I had planned to visit B again but she fell ill. I was quite bummed not knowing how to distract myself for the last day. I ended up sitting in the sun and reading and then went to search for a bottle of sparkling sake (saw it on Instagram) in case the cycle failed. My nerves were shot all day and I kept switching between begging and pleading and planning our next… our last cycle. It was not a good day to be alone. I found a giant bottle of sake. It wasn’t sparkling but it would do the trick. Watching TV with N that night, I got up to use the ladies. Brown spotting. It’s a strange place feeling your heart break and trying to be positive at the same time. The day before’s symptoms were increasing including the nausea and an added headache. I didn’t know what to think. I came out and told N about the bleeding. He had a worried look in my eyes and just said “oh no”. I climbed back under the blankets and we held hands and remained quiet the rest of the night.

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Saturday, April 15 – 10dp5dt: Beta day. I’m sad that most of this day, before and after the phone call, was a blur. I don’t remember what we ate for dinner or what the blood draw was like. But I know the appointment was at 7am. I drove up by myself and then N had to do a few work things so I drove around with him in his work van while we waited for the call. We went to a few boat yards and I was talking to my friends back home on Whatsapp all day. Everyone was on tenterhooks.  I remember stopping at Dunkin’ around 1pm and we got some bad food. We then went to his office so he could unload some stuff. I waited in the car for an hour just staring at my phone. I resolved to call them at 2 if I’d heard nothing. The closer we got to 2pm the more I was shaking. I ran to the toilet every few minutes for nervous farts and poops. Finally at 3 minutes past 2pm the call came through. I held my phone in my sweaty shaking hands until it went to voicemail. My eyes had tears in them already and I couldn’t shout to N to come because my voice would have cracked with emotion. He eventually joined me in the car and we took a few moments to collect ourselves. I told him I want to video tape our reactions. He reluctantly agreed. With his phone set on the dashboard he hit record and I hit play.
“Hi xxx, this is xxx from Dr xxx’s office just giving you a call with the results of your blood work today. Um, I am calling with good news. Congratulations, your result today was positive. So, we like to see the minimum level for HCG for this first test at at least 100, yours today was at 341. So a very good place to start. We always do subsequent blood draws to make sure that the level is rising so we do need you to come back in 2 days, that’s Monday morning for your next blood draw. I booked you in for 7:15 at the xxx office. In the meantime just continue your medication and we will see you in the office on Monday morning. If you have any questions we’ll be in the office until 2:30. Okay thanks. Bye bye.”

I didn’t really catch anything after 341 but I’ve listened to this voicemail enough times since. Most of the video is me with my mouth open and N laughing and then I just started crying and he hugged me and we kissed. Then we drove home in complete shock.

I on the drive home I sent the video to my family and my girlfriends back home and to B here and I was just in a daze for the rest of the day.

The day wasn’t perfect but close to it. N’s mom came over, she didn’t know that we had transferred this cycle and she was having a really tough time. One of her dogs, a black lab named Busta, had been really ill all week and he passed the night before our beta. She came over to drop something off but she was in tears telling us the story. It’s really heart wrenching. He was getting old and had hip problems. The vet gave her some medication for it but unfortunately the medication is lethal for some dogs. How this medication isn’t banned is another story. She was really a mess and we weren’t sure if we should give her some good news while she was grieving so badly. In the end N told her. She was over the moon so I’m glad we told her but I wonder if going from that sad to that happy that quickly is good. I don’t know if that makes sense.

12dp5dt: I spent this day with B and her son again. We went to the zoo. I think I was fine this day symptom-wise. My beta jumped up to 873. I was told that my next beta would only be a week later so I spent the rest of the week peeing on my wondfo’s every morning. My symptoms weren’t crazy so I needed other assurance. But so far so good.

19dp5dt: The before the the beta N and I went out for lunch and I had a virgin daiquiri. I’d never ordered one before and I was really excited. I think it was the first time I let my guard down a little bit and it felt good. My final beta before ultrasound was 11626. These betas were really reassuring, of course, but I did have that very scary bleed the next day so my guard was promptly reinstated. I remember the 3 weeks from this beta until the ultrasound being pure torture. I only started feeling real hard symptoms after the ultrasound. But getting this beta was a really good. I celebrated on this day.

And that’s the story of how I managed to allow a bottle of alcohol to go unopened for longer than a day.

It’s also the story of how my 10th embryo, my last embryo, found it’s way into my uterine wall and changed my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday Thoughts

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I always felt sad when TTC ladies get their BFP’s and fell off the face of the blogging world. I always said, I would never do that, but I’m finding it difficult to write. My main worry is hurting anyone’s feelings and also gushing too much about this little guy and how great life is now (it’s not 100% great but I’m clinging to the great bits) then having everything taken away.

I was talking to my friend about how I’m not enjoying this to the fullest because with these two thoughts at the front of my mind constantly I have not taken any bump pictures. I have not kept a record of anything. No weekly symptoms. No firsts. Nothing. And don’t even get me started on baby shower anxiety. And the sad part is that I’m forgetting. I didn’t even really keep track of my TWW symptoms and I’ve pretty much forgotten them all and when they started.

I used to love going back to my IVF cycles and re-reading everything that I wrote in painstaking detail. I’m bummed that I’ve been too scared to track this next phase.

And it’s not even about posting here or on Instagram. I have 3 empty journals where I can write some stuff down but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it.

Anyway, upon reflection and talking to people I feel that fear going away slowly sometimes. I mean, I almost bought a pack ‘n play last week… Almost.

When I think about it, I know that some of you do want updates and those who don’t are probably not even reading this so I’m going to figure out how to post progress updates that don’t send out email notifications and I’ll have a section at the top with all of the updates. I  know it’s possible, if you know how can you let me know, please?

I think that way, I’ll have a record of what’s going on in my body so that I don’t forget while remaining a bit sensitive to anyone who would appreciate it.

 

 

Talking About IVF

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Hello! It has been a rough few months at work. I always forget what a nightmare the end of the year always is but it’s all over now. The kids are gone and this week my whole team is on vacation. It actually feels like the whole building is empty, it’s a little scary.

Anyway.

So we’re in the telling people phase of this journey. Not family and friends but other individuals we come across in our daily or not so daily lives. This includes social media.

With regards to the latter, we couldn’t come to an agreement on an announcement so we decided to not announce. I wanted to mention IVF. In fact, I wanted to do the “ultrasound picture and onesie surrounded by needles in the shape of a heart” announcement but N did not want everyone in Facebook land to have that much insight into our lives. I definitely respect that so I’ve let it go.

With regards to the former, I generally tend to blurt out “We did IVF” if the conversation carries on long enough. But I’ve noticed, and I don’t know why I’m surprised, that it makes people uncomfortable and quiet if I mention it and it makes people giddy if I don’t.

The first time was at my dentist cleaning. This was earlier on, maybe around 8 weeks. The hygienist mentioned x-rays and I told her why I couldn’t have one. She then would not shut up about her kids and didn’t really let me get a word in edge wise (I also had a million metal pointy things in my mouth so there was that too). Needless to say, I didn’t get a chance to slip in how we got to where we were. I was a little disappointed but it’s okay.

The second time was strange. This time at my orthodontist with my mouth wide open again. I’d called earlier to let them know that I can’t do x-ray’s so when they nurse and ortho came in it was baby talk all over again. The I find my way in is if they ask if we know what we’re having. She asked if we knew the gender and after I told her I said that we did IVF and genetic testing on the embryo so we knew the gender very early on. Then very coldly, she said “Well, we did IVF too and we still had to wait to find out the gender”.

I didn’t know what to say. The nurse who was in there with us didn’t know what to say. I think it was the way she said it that threw me off. I know she has two kids so if she did do IVF shouldn’t she have been more excited to find an IVF sister? Did my pgd testing go against her beliefs somehow? Was I being too sensitive? I was thinking all of this in the 5 seconds of silence in the room when she finally said “Well, it’s amazing what they can do nowadays anyway.” and that was that.

Yes, I did cry a little in the car. The first time I wanted to share this triumphant story and it wasn’t received how I expected. I was baffled.

My third opportunity was with the HR director. I sent her an email asking a few questions about the school’s leave policy and she set up a meeting for us to discuss. She’s really lovely. The conversation was great, we both had smiles on our faces throughout. Mostly because the school’s parental leave policy is pretty fantastic considering the US’s stance on maternity leave. And once we ironed out all the details the questions started coming. It was time. I started getting nervous and excited, then it happened exactly as scripted in my head.

“Do you know what you’re having?”

“Yes, it’s a boy”

“Oh my goodness, how lovely”

“Thank you! We did IVF so we found out very early on”

*continues to smile, does not break eye contact, keeps nodding slowly searching for words*

“So you had a hard road getting here, huh”

“Yes ma’am, a hard long road but we did it”

“Well, I’m so very happy for you”

Yes!! I did it! This exchange was much better. I was very happy. But it didn’t last long.

I started thinking about those awkward few seconds when people have to think of something to say. Is it fair for me to put them through this? If they don’t answer satisfactorily does that change my perception of them? Why was I doing this? Is it something that people need to know?

For me, personally, I want people to know that not every pregnancy is wham bam, thank you ma’am. I would like for someone who is struggling to know that they’re not alone. I want to break the silence. And mostly importantly, it’s my story and it’s the story of my son and it’s sad and it’s rough but, damn it, it’s mine, it’s awesome and I’m proud of it.

So right now I’m torn. Do I protect people’s fragility and innocence when it comes to reproduction? Do I respect my husband’s want for a little bit of privacy? Or do I break the silence and stay true to myself?

Our House…

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… is a very very very old house. 🙂

Let’s start by saying that my husband despises our house with the fire of a thousand suns. I’m not as vitriolic when I think about our house. I’m happy to have a roof and it’s really small so very easy to clean but it’s definitely not ideal.

I think he hates it because it was a house he didn’t really want to begin with. It’s a real fixer-upper that he bought with his girlfriend at the time and they bought in a town that she chose because she wanted to be closer to her family. But then they broke up and he got stuck with this house that he never wanted and I don’t think she even lives in town anymore which is a little funny. Another thing is that the house is said to have been built in the 1800’s so eeeeverything is old and so terribly skew. It’s really fun fixing a house that defies the laws of physics.

Our plan is to overhaul the entire place so that we can sell it and find something with more room. It’s just been so long. We started working on it mmmaaybe 5 years ago and we’ve been in hiatus until now. We’ve done some good work though. I’ll walk you through what we have planned for each room and what’s already been done.

Kitchen: Thankfully the kitchen is done and it is perfect. N re-did it before we met and I absolutely love it! I think it makes living in the house bearable since it’s my favourite room of any house.

Dining Room: We finished this room last year or the year before I think. I remember painting doors outside while worrying about my 2nd embryo that had just been transferred. I think we did a really good job. Here are some before and afters.

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View from the kitchen: Lovely poo green walls (see wood paneling in the tv room. explained below)

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view from tv room into the kitchen: bedroom and bathroom on the right

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Jealous of the random pipes coming out of the wall and the lack of trim on the window?

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These are untouched before pics, just furniture removed. This is how we lived, with no trim.

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Demo. Love that wall paper.

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No curtains yet

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We added a door to the basement (the old door was in the tv room) and made pretty columns

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Yay for trimmed windows! (random pipes still taunting us)

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Can you guess my favourite addition to this room is?

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With furniture

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A final touch I added recently. Excuse the messy table. If you look closely you see our embryos in the frames. 🙂

TV Room:  We’ve put in new windows but we need new walls. We have lovely (*sarcasm) wood paneling on the walls that makes the room look incredibly small. We need to change the ceiling and add better lighting. Currently we have a broken light/fan combo that’s missing a blade because of a rambunctious game a boy and his cat were playing. And then we’ll need to trim it out as well. It doesn’t sound like a big job but we did the same thing in dining room and it took months and it was torturous because N is a perfectionist and I am not.

Bathroom: Oooh girl. This room is a disaster and oh so very tiny. Basically, if you stick your arms out and try to spin around you will touch everything. Yes your knees will knock into the toilet too. We don’t have tiles on the floor we have 80’s vinyl squares and a few of them are loose, so that’s fun. If you sit on the toilet your right side will be lovingly caressed by the shower curtain. This is especially nice when the curtain is wet. The previous owner, in his infinite house designing wisdom, managed to fit the window a quarter of the way into the shower area. Thank goodness for frosted glass. He also used non water resistant screws to screw in the shower wall. It looks great. Then we have a radiator with chipped paint that takes up a huge chunk of the room as well. Gorgeous. We have 5 more chipped paint radiators throughout the house so at least there’s a flow.

Needless to say, if we could bulldoze this room we could. Everything needs to be updated but I’m the most excited about it because the possibilities are endless.

Bedroom: Thankfully this room needs the least work. The windows are new and even though the walls and ceilings are uneven and warped-ish we’re just going to slap on new paint. The current orange walls and green trim that the ex painted it doesn’t match my…. anything really… why orange & green? We need a new light fixture too and it needs to be trimmed as well. This is supposed to be a kid’s room but we’re sleeping in it right now. N’s computer is there too. And it has to be said, we’re sleeping in an adult bunk bed. I’m not even remotely kidding. Most days I can ignore it but I really this is my biggest gripe with the house. I can’t wait to get a real grown up bed. With a headboard even.

Upstairs: Okay, this used to be just a storage and cat play area. It’s a big area that was awkwardly split into two rooms with shoddy carpeting that the cats mauled. We want this to be a master bedroom and we want to add a bathroom. So when we started this reno a few years ago we absolutely gutted it. We got a plumber and he put in the pipes for a shower, toilet and sink. We then started framing the bathroom and closet. And we put in new subfloor. There’s actually a funny story.

N and our friend B were putting in the subfloor one day. I was downstairs roaming about and I  heard a crash and right above my head a leg came crashing through the ceiling!! Then I heard B yell for N and two second later another crash and a second leg breaking through the ceiling! WTH!! N had slipped and fallen through and B went to save him and fell through as well. It was pretty funny. Anyway.

So we put the sub-floor down (worst job ever because skew house) and started on the insulation for the roof when N started having second thoughts. There wasn’t enough room up there for a master and a bathroom. He wanted a dormer put in. So we halted all renovations and put some thought into it. We thought for about 4 or 5 years. Yes, years. But we finally did it. We finally found someone to put in a dormer for us. It cost quite a bit but it will be so worth it. And and! He’s going to redo all the framing and the sub-floor. I’m so excited!!

They started on Tuesday and it’s coming along nicely so far. I’ll post some before and after pics of this when I download them off my phone 🙂

Other: We need new stairs going upstairs. They are awful. We need a new front door and stairs leading up to the house. And we need a complete overhaul of the outside area. A deck or something for curb appeal.

The goal is really to be out of the downstairs bedroom at least (and sleeping in a grown up bed!!). Right now we have no space for a permanent resident. Lordy, when I think about it all it makes me a little queasy but I am very excited to be picking up the reno again. I know I hated it when we were in the thick of it. N and I do not work well together. But when it’s done, it’s awesome.

I’ll be posting progress as we go so I hope you all like home reno blogs lol.

I’m going to do a quick Lucky Bean update below for anyone who is interested. Sorry this post has been a bit long.

 

 

 

 

*Lucky Bean Update*

 

We stopped all meds on the 26th. It was extremely nerve wracking and at that point I was still spotting. Not any noteworthy spotting but still spotting. I had a thought that it was the prenatal. The brand I was using had raspberry leaf in it which was playing on my mind for a while since it’s supposed to tone the uterus and might cause contractions. I became very wary of it and eventually just decided to stop and I grabbed the first prenatal I could find at Walgreens. A yucky gummy which I’m not happy with but whatever. And 2 days after quitting the other prenatal the spotting stopped. I have no idea if it’s related of course but let’s go with “mama knows best” on this one :).

I also bought myself a doppler and we’ve since used it 3 times with success each time. The first time at about 10.5 weeks. I can’t explain the feelings I had when we heard it. I can’t really explain any of my feelings. I think awe would best describe it. I still feel like I’m watching a movie and this isn’t really happening to us.

We had our first prenatal appointment on Friday. I was so nervous I was shaking on the drive there and then my IVF inspiration song came on the radio (Don’t Stop Believing by Journey) and I had a big relieved cry by myself. I think that was Lucky telling me that everything’s gonna be okay. That was a good cry.

The doctor is fantastic. She was extremely sensitive to our struggle and she was also knowledgeable on translocations which was a relief since I had to explain it to her nurse before she came in and didn’t want to do it again (no disrespect to the nurse though). The appointment itself was very quick. Nothing like an IVF clinic. They did a quick doppler check (HR 169), a pap smear, list of tests and a good, funny conversation all within about 20 minutes. N apologized to her for making likely making her work on Christmas. She laughed and said not to worry but we’re sure she’ll be in sunny Mexico that week anyway lol.

I didn’t get an ultrasound but I asked if we could but unfortunately they couldn’t schedule it for that day. We are going back in 2 weeks and we’ll get one then. She did ask if we wanted to come back in 2 or 4 weeks. We opted for 2 weeks but I felt pretty confident after leaving that I think we can stretch to 4 weeks after the next appointment…. I thhhink.

We opted to have the NIPT and another genetic test (results in about 7 days) and I’m starting to get nervous about it. She didn’t think we needed it because of PGD but we went for it anyway. She also tested me for a clotting disease. This was something she was worried about since my mom has DVT and it could be hereditary. I think our clinic tested me for clotting issues but I’m not sure.

She also wants me to do the 1hr glucose test before the next appointment. I felt like this is a bit early but it could be because I’m an oldie. And some ladies on instagram have heard of or had 2 glucose tests.

So all in all I am very happy we went this this doctor and this hospital. Almost everyone I know gave birth at the hospital and their stories were very reassuring. N was born there too. We made the right decision, I’m sure. It is going to take some getting used to the relaxed nature of this part of the journey. I’m used to regimented check ups and long dr’s appointments. The fact that I wasn’t given an exact date and time for the glucose test (and other tests) is strange. Everything is “as long as it’s between x and y weeks you’re good” and I’m used to “be there at 7am sharp or no baby for you”.

Oh and lastly, Dr P called me last week. This was another teary drive for me. He called to check in and to wish us all the best and asked us to please send birth announcement etc etc. I really wanted to email the entire team after our prenatal appointment to say thank you so I’m sad he called first. I don’t want him thinking I’m not grateful. I just wanted to make sure all was well. But it is what it is. I’m sending the email now.

Gosh I just realized how long this update was. This whole post in fact, phew.

Thank you for hanging in this long. This last month at work has been brutal and will continue to be brutal until after school closes on the 26th. So until then, my friends, I am sending you all my love and I’m thinking of all of you where ever you are in your journeys.

Thought’s on Lucky Bean’s Gender

Posted in TTC drama by

I’m sorry that I seem to just be doing P updates and I sincerely apologize if this bring any of you any pain. I am trying to live in the moment but it’s not been easy as I still feel like I’m in a very terrible TWW so I’m still in turmoil most days.

I even bought a doppler yesterday. It’s supposed to come a few days before our OB appointment, which is a torturous 3 weeks away, June 9th. I went with a new clinic since my regular OB doesn’t do prenatal care :(. The doctor I chose delivered my friend, B’s son and I like the look of her. I hope to not use the doppler, though. I’m just trying to trust the process.

But on to gender news. The nurse from the clinic sent us the gender in a letter on some sticky notes that I’ll have to remember to frame or at least put somewhere safe since the envelope is just on the dining room table waiting for a cat to destroy it.

Now I know we all have gender preferences, even if it’s slight. I know we all, as infertiles, want to be altruistic (not sure if that’s the correct word) and just so grateful for the opportunity but I know, for me personally, I always had a preference for a boy.

For no good reason, mind you. I think mostly because I was a nightmare growing up and I didn’t want my chickens coming home to roost :). Silly right?

So when we found out the embryo transferred is male I was over the moon! So over the moon that I allowed myself to put some baby boy clothes in my H&M shopping cart. We’ll save the actual buy for much later on.

Then over the next couple days all the little girls in my life just became extra cute and funny. Not that they weren’t before, of course, it was just story after story that made me think about not having a girl.

First, we went out to dinner with our friends who have a 3yr old girl who is extremely verbose and hilarious. She’s in the honest phase too which is always funny. Her dad told us that he was walking around the house without a t-shirt on and she looked at him and said “Daddy you have yucky fur”. She also gives him a hard time about wearing shorts around the house because of his hairy legs. She asks him to put pants on.

Then my brother sent us a picture of a sign that my 8 year old niece put on her bedroom door that said “Do NOT come in. I am crying.” because my brother didn’t buy her any sweets when he went shopping. She’s so dramatic, I love her.

The next day on Facebook my bestie posted a picture of her 2yr old daughter watching herself crying in the mirror. I laughed so hard and I’m still chuckling at this. What a character.

And then over the weekend my sister-in-law sent us a picture of my aforementioned niece with a very sad look on her face with her arm fully bandaged and in a makeshift sling made by daddy. They were play wrestling and someone fell on her poor arm… Twice. She was distraught but otherwise not seriously hurt. My poor diva angel.

So all of this made me pretty sad about not having a girl. I love how dramatic they are. My niece, in particular, is so funny with her antics. She’s full of stories.

She’s the only girl cousin. She has a brother and my other brother has a son. And my sister-in-law’s sister has two boys. In fact, in our circle of friends we only have about 4 girls out of about 15 kids. It would have been nice to help even out the playing field.

So while I’m excited and relieved I did experience sadness at not having a little daddy’s girl. I mentioned to N about being a little bummed and all he said was “Hey, you never know, Lucky Bean could be a big diva too.”

 

Signs

Posted in Random Tales, TTC drama by

I’m not very religious. We’re going through some stuff now. Jesus and I. I’ll cover that another time but for now just know that that’s where I stand.

I was raised in the church, though. Baptized, confirmed, Sunday school, etc. And my mom is still very much in the church. She’s the only reason I still have my toe in the Christianity pool. But I digress.

Every morning I drive by a Church that has one of those signs outside. Not saying when the next service is. It usually says something inspirational or thoughtful. Sometimes they’re random and I can’t use any of it but sometimes somehow when I’m in the most turmoil I’ll get a sign that speaks to me specifically and really helps me.

During the course of these last 4 cycles (The first cycle I was at my old job on a different route) I’ve actually come to rely on this sign and it feels really good when it has something that I can use to get me through whatever it is I need to get through.

Honestly I can’t remember the ones that stuck out to me over the years but on the day of my beta I drove up to the clinic in a complete daze. Teary eyed and stressed out and I wasn’t even thinking of the sign and when I saw it, it was exactly what I needed to see. Nothing original, just simple and it helped me so much. I felt so much better and calmer after that. It was like it was saying, “Don’t worry fam, I got you”.

I saw it everyday up until last Thursday with our ultrasound. It’s like they changed it right when I didn’t need it anymore. The message that’s on it now doesn’t really pertain to me. I’m going to go ahead and say it’s up there for someone else who might need it.

I’ll leave the message here for anyone who might need it.

Happy Tuesday friends.

BE A WARRIOR, NOT A WORRIER

Update on Lucky Bean

Posted in TTC drama by

This has been the longest week of my life but I’m glad it’s over. But yesterday was nothing like I imagined it.

On Monday we had an horrendous PIO ordeal. N had to inject me 3 times. The first time he hit a nerve and the second there was blood. The third was fine but resulted in the worst bruise. He pleaded for me to call the nurse to find out if there’s something we could do. I eventually called on Wednesday and she said we would draw blood to check my progesterone and if it’s high enough we can stop. Of course I would do a gazillion more shots if it meant this would end happily but I’m not going to lie, I definitely dread PIO time now. Both of us do.

Wednesday, I must have cried a million times. My symptoms had all but disappeared and I took a pregnancy test and although the test line popped up immediately it was lighter than the control. N only got home after 9 so I was stuck in my head for most of the evening. When he got home I asked him if he wasn’t afraid that there would be nothing there. He simply said No. There was no reason for him to  be afraid. His only fear was that there would be twins lol. I’ve never met anyone going through infertility more opposed to the idea of twins.

Thursday both of us were up ridiculously early. Thankfully my symptoms came back in full force. I felt very calm. We were just sitting around for a while so we just decided to go in early. Good thing we did because traffic was atrocious and we got there with minutes to spare.

The ultrasound tech A came running out at 10 and said she has been waiting all morning for this. As we walked in with her she said she was so excited to see my name on the OB ultrasound list :). I love that they get so involved. As I was getting ready N was talking to her about recording the scan for family and she said sure but to let her first see what’s going on, just in case. She told me that she would be able to see right away so she wouldn’t leave me in suspense.

As soon as she put the probe in we saw the black circle. She said Awww loook. But I just saw the circle. She said N could go ahead and record and when she adjusted everything came into view perfectly.

I thought I would cry instantly (I’m welling up a bit now) but I think I was in disbelief. Lucky bean wasn’t moving or wiggling and I couldn’t see a heartbeat so I wasn’t breathing. Was A lying to us about everything being perfect?

She said that I was 7 weeks 5 days but this baby wants to be 8 weeks. She said it was the best looking baby she’d seen that day. I’m sure she says that to everyone but it made my day. The more she gushed the more relaxed I felt. She took loads of pics. Showed us the yolk sac which looked like a balloon that our little Pennywise was holding.

Then she showed us the heartbeat. So tiny. So perfect. We couldn’t hear it but there it was. I couldn’t stop smiling.

Everything else was good. No swollen ovaries. No SCH. Just the luckiest bean there ever has been.

Afterwards we met with L. One of our team nurses. I recognized the voice and she said we spoke on the phone before. She just went over all the pictures and answered our few questions. I’m an idiot. I forgot to write down all the questions I had and I just remembered another one. I’m going to have to call again. Anyway, after a longish discussion we were pretty much sent on our way with our pics and a handshake.

No chorus line. No fireworks. But it felt good. Certainly bittersweet like people describe but I think I kept my relationship with everyone very professional so even though I’d been there for almost 2 years I didn’t form any unbreakable bonds with anyone. I was sad that I didn’t see my RE or L my main nurse. I’m going to pop her an email later. She’s been with me since day one. We’ve only seen each other face to face twice but I’d really like to express my eternal gratitude even though she wasn’t my nurse with this successful round.

We also told pretty much everyone. Still missing N’s grandad, his brother on his mom’s side and he’s step dad and his aunts and uncles. But pretty much everyone on my side knows. And I told my boss this morning. He was very happy an excited. I still couldn’t say the words, I just said that our last round of IVF worked. We talked for a bit about symptoms etc etc and he just kept saying “That’s awesome… that’s awesome”.

So that’s where we are now. Oh after work yesterday I called my beloved OB to make and appointment and just as I suspected he doesn’t do prenatal care. They told me I could meet with anyone else at the office (Dr G and two midwives). You’ll remember Dr G from my awful OB post. I made an appointment with one of the midwives but they said that I would meet with all of them eventually because anyone could be there when I give birth… Uh, no thank you.

I have 2 other options for OB offices. One, my friend B recommended had midwives but I don’t like the OB’s. Dr Y was one of them, also from my awful OB post and I don’t want to be stuck with her at go time. My last option seems to be where I’m going to go but they don’t have midwives. I don’t know. I’m going to see what N thinks.

I still can’t believe I’m having this problem, though. Struggling to choose prenatal care… Me… Shitty egg girl.

It’s difficult to describe my feelings now. I feel like there are too many to process all at once. Thankfully I have years of infertility training to help.

Just one day at a time.

Story Time: Worst Date Ever

Posted in Random Tales by

 

I don’t know why but I was thinking about this chap the other day and I decided to write about my worst date ever since it’s Friday and we could all do with a little distraction after yesterday’s news. Please know that no one was harmed in this story but we’ll change the names of parties involved to respect their privacy. Please also note that traffic laws in South Africa are very different to here and had this played out in America the story would have ended with a lot more arrests and definite jail time. It would be better if you read this with an open mind.

So I was, for lack of a better description, newly single and ready to mingle when I moved to Cape Town from Johannesburg. Excited to dip my toes in the dating pool. I went with my friends to a club one Saturday night where I met a cute but somewhat dim barman. Joe.

We flirted for most of the night and when it was time to leave we swapped numbers. We subsequently texted back and forth for a few days and eventually decided to go on a date the following Saturday. Nothing serious. Just pizza.

At around 7 on the night in question he picked me up in his red Fiat Uno. He was sweet. He even opened the car door for me.

Conversation at the pizza place was fine. He was very chatty, a little braggy and he knew the servers at the place so he was talking to them mostly and introducing me. He did seem fidgety though but I just chalked it up to first date jitters. I decided to get some tequilas to maybe help us rekindle to easy flirtiness from the previous weekend. Once our inhibitions were a bit lowered I learned that he had a little child and that he and the mother had a terrible break up. I don’t think he was over the break up. He didn’t have much nice to say about her and mentioned that the relationship is strained and that made seeing his child difficult. I sympathized but I checked out. The relationship I had just gotten out of was with a fellow who had a child and I really had no interest in baby daddy drama again. So I figured we’ll just have some fun tonight and keep it moving. In hindsight, I should have just had him take me home at that point.

After we finished the pizza we decided to move to another pub in my hood to be in my comfort zone. On the drive over he casually mentioned that his ex actually worked at the pizza place we just left but she wasn’t working that night. He seemed disappointed. So he took me there for what? To be a pawn in some game? Hmm.

I was a little aggravated and decided to text my friend at the next spot to come save me if need be. I also decided that we should get drunk because fuck it. Please note at this stage we’d only had 2 tequilas each. At the new place I ordered two jager’s and a beer for myself and we talked some more. He was loose jawed at this stage and was more free with information on this previous relationship that I had no interest in hearing about but was ultimately subjected to anyway. I ordered another round of jagers and it was like a light switch. He.was.trashed. After four shots? Really? While heavily slurring he proceeded to tell me that things were bad with his ex because he did something bad. I don’t remember details but there was an altercation with someone (perhaps a new love interest with the ex? I can’t remember) and he ended spending time in jail for assault. Like maximum security prison. Well, that was a first for me. He also told me that now that he’s out he was actively trying to make the right choices. He got a job. He scrounged and hustled to buy the car so that he can see his child more often and be a better father. While he was telling me about his time in jail and his new lease on life I was furiously texting my friend, Lexi, for a bail out. Incidentally, she was just down the road at another pub on a date as well. Thank goodness.

I told him to let’s pack it up and move on. Again, I should have left him there and left but he was quite drunk and it didn’t feel right. Stupidly, I let him drive down the road to where my friend was. Luckily, it was literally one block down but he was in no shape to be driving.

At the next place he had become that annoying drunk. No personal space and just whining and apologizing for being so drunk and trying to dance. Four shots guys. I was incensed. Lexi just laughed. We stayed a while longer and he ended up passing out in a booth. Lexi told me she and her date we going to another bar. I wanted to go with them but Drunky McDrunkerson wasn’t going to make that possible. I had to leave.  I grabbed his keys and managed to get him up and buddy walked him out of the bar and tossed him into the car. Four shots.

I realized that there is no way this guy could get himself home and there was no way I was going to let him stay at my place. I decided I would leave him in the car outside of my house and leave him a message on his phone.

As I was driving mister opens the door and starts violently throwing up out of the car. I quickly pulled over and wondered how this date could possibly get any worse. Ha.

I’ll stop here for a second to give some insight on traffic laws in South Africa. In SA we have a high rate of smash and grabs and carjackings. A smash and grab is when you’re sitting a traffic light and someone smashes your window (driver or passenger side) and steals whatever they can really quickly and runs away. Chances are you’ll be stuck in traffic and can’t really run or drive after a thief. So the rule is 1. That you never leave anything important in sight and you never talk on your phone at red light and 2. At night, if you don’t feel safe at a red traffic light, it’s okay for you run the light, essentially. Obviously you have to make sure it’s clear but you generally wouldn’t get into trouble if you were caught doing this. It’s common practice.

It was around 1 or 2am and Joe had emptied his tummy and was now fully reclined in the passenger seat in snooze town. Off we went. We came to a red light and there was a car behind me. I did the necessary checks to make sure the coast was clear and proceeded to drive through the red light.

Out of nowhere a small white ford pickup truck comes plowing up the hill from the left and slams into the front of the Uno. Hard. It happened in slow motion. The car spun around for what felt like hours. I vividly remember screaming and grabbing Joe’s shirt by the chest and looking over at his peaceful sleeping body. We finally came to a stop in the middle of the intersection. I gathered myself a bit and started panicking. I shook Joe with all my might but he was dead to the world. I was yelling at him to wake up. How is it possible that he slept through that?

There was a knock on my door. It was the driver of the ford. A youngster. He too, was panicky. He asked if I was okay. I was. I asked the same of him and he was too. He opened the door for me but I was still trying to wake this punk up. Eventually, he started stirring and grudgingly open his eyes and sat up.

I was like “Dude, we were in a car accident. Are you okay?”. He started moaning. Not because he was hurt but because his car was trashed. Can you imaging waking up to that out of a drunken stupor? I didn’t have time to feel terrible just yet because I was still a bit confused. I looked over at the ford. It was ruined as well. It came to a standstill at the opposite end of intersection, the front left wheel completely bent. The young chap was on the phone with, I assumed, the authorities.

Joe and I got out of the car and my knee started throbbing. We checked each other out but we were, for all intents and purposes, okay. The lady in the car behind us was in hysterics though. Her husband was on the phone with the police and he had us sit on the curb. She was shouting incoherently about how that guy came out of nowhere but why did I drive through the red light.

I found my phone and called, Lexi. She came right as the cops came. At this point Joe was distraught. I remember him standing over the wreck with his head in his hands then pacing up and down muttering to himself. I started to feel really awful. Poor guy. first his girlfriend breaks up with him, then he goes to jail and when he gets out a strange girl wrecks his car.

2 police officers came. They were mulling over the wreckage and speaking to hysterical wife. For what reason I have no idea. I think she took over the situation. The problem was that she was telling them that I ran a red light. She didn’t mention that I had stopped and looked first or that the other driver thought he was in the Fast and Furious. I had to get up and give my side of the story. Then the strangest thing happened.

I glanced over at the ford where the youngy was on the phone. He wasn’t there. I stood up to see where he had gone and quick as a flash another white car pulled up in front of the ford. I see Youngy run jump into the car and off they go. He just left the scene of an accident. He just did a hit and run. Literally. The cops didn’t see it. I told Lexi and she said to tell the cops. I spoke to the lady cop and said that the driver of the other vehicle just drove off.

She sighed and chuckled and said, “Well that’s good for you then”. I was shocked.

I was giving the rest of my statement when another fancy car pulled up. A very concerned mother and her son walked over. He seemed in his early 20s. A very rich looking mother and son. It turns out the ford belonged to the son and his friend had taken the car for a quick drive. They came to exchange insurance info, I think and maybe squash this whole thing.

I took them over to were Joe was laying on the curb with his arms over his face, smoking a cigarette. He didn’t have insurance. They asked what they can do. He said nothing, the car was junk. And that was that. I think mom and son just wanted to get the hell out of there. They didn’t stick around long.

Eventually, once tow trucks were organized, Lexi said I should call my brother. Ugh, I was so embarrassed. Thankfully my heavily pregnant sister-in-law was awake and the two of them came to pick me and Joe up. I wish the world would have swallowed me up. I’m a little scared of my brother. He’s like my father sometimes. So you can imagine me telling him I’d just been in a car accident with a guy I just met. I still have to ask him what he thought of that night. I know he was concerned but I also imagine he was just shaking his head in disappointment en route to picking his crazy sister up.

AND he had to give Joe a lift home too. A still very drunk, highly depressed Joe.

I wish there was more to the accident story. But honestly, the other driver wasn’t there to give his side of the story and no one was hurt. So once the tow trucks fetched the cars we were all fine to be on our way.

The car ride to Joe’s was awfully quiet. When he got out of the car he turned to me and said he would call me in the morning.

The following day poor Joe had to take a taxi to my place and I drove him to the police station to get a police report. We were both very apologetic. Him for losing the plot and making me drive and me for, you know, ruining his life.

After walking out of the police station I offered to take him home and he said no he’d just take another taxi. He turned away and walked up the street and I watched a broken man walk off into the distance.

We never spoke again after that. I heard through the grapevine a few years on that he was dating someone so I hope that everything turned out okay for him.

As for me, I went on to experience many a terrible date. But none came close to this story.

 

Have you had any bad dates that you can laugh about now?