Category Archives: TTC drama

Makin’ babies…

I’m all alone

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It feels like every year around this time N has to work out of town. Always the same client and always rushed. So Monday evening started with me making dinner and by the end of dinner he had booked a flight and was gone by this morning at 3. I didn’t even really get a chance to come to terms with being alone for the rest of the week. But this happens every year so I really shouldn’t be surprised.

Now don’t get me wrong, I hate when he’s not here. I can’t sleep as well and I miss him terribly. But on the flip side, I get to not meal plan (no sense for just one). I get to watch what I want. I get to not watch anything and just read for 5 days. Besides for the lonely pit in my stomach there’s a part of me that just loves some time for myself.

I don’t even know where to start! So I’m obviously not doing anything and watching Friends on tv. I don’t even know what I’m going to eat. Eeek!

Anyway, in FET news. I had my last monitoring appointment this morning. My lining is at 8.28 and they want it above 8 so we’re right on track. New nurse said they’d call on Monday to let me know what time to go in for my FET on Tuesday!

I’m excited, but not as excited as I am for all this free time I have this week!

Hope everyone is having a good week so far. And thank you everyone for cheering us on thus far. I can totally feel the love from here!

xx

Half Way

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We’re on day 9 of 20! It’s really going quickly. I’m very happy about that.

Things are progressing nicely. I must say, I’ve been a bit cocky with this FET. I’m not sweating any of the results phone calls. It dawned on my today as I was listening to the voicemail after my 3rd blood draw this morning. I knew today is the day I increased the dosage so I had the pills in my hand ready to go while I listened to the voicemail and for a split second I imagined that this call would be bad news for some reason. How dare I just assume that things are going well? The nerve. I then imagined that my estrogen was too low/high and she was calling to cancel the cycle (my split seconds are really long).

Thankfully, all is well and I’m to increase estrogen to 2mg 3 times a day and 81mg baby aspirin once a day. My next and FINAL monitoring appointment is on Wednesday. Bloodwork and ultrasound.

We have been eating relatively well. No sugar and refined carbs. I’ve been sober for 3 weeks. I haven’t been yogaing because I’m super lazy but I decided to do acupuncture at least. I’m about as relaxed as I can be I suppose. The only thing that really stresses me out is one of our cats. I love these guys but he has been extremely annoying lately and it’s getting worse and worse.

We feed them twice a day. 8am and 8pm. Nothing has changed but for some reason this mofo, without fail, will meow incessantly from the time we get home from work until dinner time. Every time we walk in the direction of the kitchen he starts screaming and yelling and running to the kitchen. And lately he’s been seeking us out and yelling at us to get up and feed him. The other two are not like that. It’s just him. And he’s diabetic and needs meds every 12 hours so we give it to him when we feed him. I’m getting tense just writing this. I don’t know how to make him understand. *breathe*

Look at him! He’s been sitting there staring at me like this for the past half hour. (excuse the machinery we’re still remodelling). I’m a prisoner!

 

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We’re not starving our animals. This dude just has problems and it’s stressing me out.

Anyway, hubby is working all this weekend so it’s just me and these three crazies. And it really is 8pm now so I’d better go and feed the beast.

February 16th

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How can one be too busy to blog but not have any exciting updates when one has a second to sit down and type? Hmmm.

Of course I have an IVF update but nothing else exciting. On to business then, I suppose.

I thought Friday was cycle day 1. I even called the clinic and spoke to a brandy new nurse, D, to get instructions. I was to go for my baseline ultrasound and blood work on Sunday. I was a little nervous about that because N did not want us driving to far-away land in the snow storm. D assured me that they would be open because Bostonians laugh in the face of snow storms and that I should woman up be there.

But when I got home my period had mysteriously stopped. Well not too mysteriously because this has happened to me before and incidentally Amy M. from My Brain’s Escape (Shout out to you, girl!) had just written about this in her blog and it seemed I fell victim to breakthough bleeding as well *shakes fist in the air*.

All of Saturday nothing was happening down there and then Sunday morning she showed her face again, in a big way. I called again on Sunday already having missed my baseline appointment (truth be told, I was a little relieved because I didn’t want to shovel at 5am). D didn’t seem too thrilled that I missed my appointment and he kept questioning me about this apparent breakthrough bleed. “Are you sure you didn’t bleed at all yesterday?”… “Well, we’ll see if it’s a true baseline when you come in on Tuesday”… I miss my old nurse.

Today is Tuesday. My lining is thin, my ovaries are happy and the FET process has begun. I’m to start estrodiol tablets this evening (1 tablet twice a day and 81mg of asprin) and my next appointment for bloodwork only is on Monday and the estimated date of transfer is February 16th.

How am I feeling? I know Feb 16 is ‘around the corner’ but it feels like the longest corner in the history of corners. I’m feeling impatient. Very impatient.

But we are officially 3 weeks away from seeing our little fighter. I remember being annoyed that I had to wait 4 weeks for my period to start the FET and it really feels like that went by in a flash. So here’s hoping the trend continues. I’m going to need to plan something fun for us to do these next 3 weekends. Come on Groupon!

Seven Days

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My phone just reminded me that my FET starts in 7 days! So that means about 27 days until transfer. And THAT means that this time next month I’ll likely be in the thick of my TWW. I’ll be pregnant this time next month! The fun part of IVF is this kind of pseudo certainty. No one who conceives naturally can have a pregnancy down to the actual date with this much certainty. Granted I’ll only be pregnant until prove otherwise but damn it, I’ll be pregnant! The IVF highs are pretty high, huh?

I have not yet updated you all on how our follow up appointment went so I’ll do that now. The appointment was on the 4th. And I think I may have gotten a few details wrong.

They collected 12 eggs and 7 were mature and all 7 fertilized. I initially thought that we had 12 and all 12 were mature and only 7 fertilized meaning that our fertilization rate was around 60% when actually we had 100% fertilization. That is amazing!!! The RE was happy about it too. But now the problem is that we only had 60% mature eggs and I’m not too stoked about that. Last time on the first protocol we have 14 eggs and 13 were mature. So the RE suggested that if we were to do this again that he would push my ovaries a little harder and then use a Lupron trigger instead of the HCG trigger. I believe the Lupron trigger helps prevent OHSS while pushing the last few follicles to catch up (I type under correction, however).

Sorry, I’m still giddy about the 100% fertilization. Well done N’s soldiers!!

He then spoke to us about the genetic testing. I’ll just say that we had 2 girls and a boy. 2 of them had an extra chromosome 16, just like our last embryo that we didn’t transfer from the previous cycle. N has a balanced translocation of chromosomes 16 and 18, so that stands to reason. A quick google search told me that “Full trisomy 16 is incompatible with life” and “most of the time it results in miscarriage during the first trimester“.

100% fertilization, though! Dayum!

My next concern was how do we get our little survivor to stick. We talked about embryo glue and a scratch test and my RE isn’t down with either. He said he’s not convinced it’ll work and doesn’t want me spending the money unnecessarily. Why can’t all these doctors go to a conference and decide on one cookie cutter way to do things. Why do some doctors swear by things that other doctors poo-poo? And not about protocols, but these add-ons. Yes, embryo glue works. No, scratch tests don’t. Anything!! That being said, I’m fine with his recommendation. A scratch test would put me back a month anyway. I’ll just have to do some home remedies. Last time I did accupuncture and the pineapple core. I haven’t decided if I want to try accupuncture again. The dr I usually go to is a bit out of the way and expensive. Maybe I should see if I can find someone closer this time. Although I loved him. I don’t know. I am going to try positive visualization this time. I have the Zita West meditation cd and I’ve heard of a Bree Taylor someone who’s on YouTube I think. I’m also eating cleaner. I’m doing the 21 day fertility diet. And I’m taking all the supplements and vitamins. Yoga? As I’m laying on my couch with no plans of moving soon, I’m going to say no. But let’s see if the fertility diet gives me some energy next week.

Then we talked about our little 2BB champion. We all know that I’m not ecstatic about it being 2BB but what I garnered from what he said is that a blastocyst is a blastocyst. The grade doesn’t matter. It helps a little bit, but only a little. I still worry that it won’t work. What I will definitely do next time is not get the grades. Repeat… I.will.NOT.ask.for.the.grades.of.future.embryos!!! Our embryo has as much chance of survival as a 6AA!!!

We talked for a while back and forth about how to fix this and how to fix that and I was getting a bit exasperated but my take away from the meeting was that we’re not through yet. We’re not through with this cycle yet and we’re certainly not through with the journey yet. Our RE, sweet man that he is, said that his translocation patients are always the hardest cases but the majority of them get pregnant in the end. He also said that they’re always the nicest couples but that’s neither here nor there. *blush*

And there you have it. 7 days to get this party started, give or take a day. Let’s get this going!! I have 3 days of long weekend to fill and 4 days of work next week. That’s nothing. I have a baby shower on Sunday which will melt into Monday because we’re planning on brunch the next day. And Monday I have an appointment at the orthodontist to get measurements for my braces. Eeeek! Tuesday I start a new season of volley ball. So at least next week is going to be relatively full.

In the words of everyone’s favourite sponge… I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready.

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Christmas Miracles?

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I hope everyone had a great Christmas this year. Mine was harder than I thought it would be. I’m usually okay at Christmas time but I’ve been unusually weepy since Christmas eve.

We got a call from the RE on Christmas eve day. A call I wasn’t expecting so I was very thrown. He said that of our three tested embryos two were unbalanced and one was balanced and normal. Best phone call to get on Christmas eve right?

But then I started asked questions. The surviving embryo is a 2BB so that already has me worried. The doctor is obviously confident with a 2BB and a blastocyst is a blastocyst but I’m thinking of our 4BB blast that didn’t take. Why would a 2BB take? I know grades don’t mean anything. It’s just my need for things to be logical that’s getting to me.

I know I should be excited but I’m not feeling confident. After the call I Skyped with my family back home and cried. I  just wanted to be home and forget about IVF.

Spoke with N last night and I asked him if we should try another round instead and hope for a stronger embryo. He said no, we should transfer whatever we have until this works. Because with our luck we’ll get great embryos that won’t work and when we eventually try 2BB it’ll work.

So there you have it. I just finished my period so we’ll start the FET next month around this time. Sorry this wasn’t a happy positive post. Maybe I’ll feel more positive the closer we get. If we have to do this again, I’m not going to ask for the gender or grades of the embryos. It’s too hard.

 

Are You Ready?

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It was a phone call with the bank. I called them because the genetics lab was going to take the money out of my account but I needed my daily limit raised so that that could happen. The lady on the phone seemed offish to begin with and asked me why my limit had to be raised. I thought that was strange since it’s my money. Anyway, I said that I’m going to have a charge come off that day and I needed the limit raised. She asked me who’s doing the charge. So I said the name of the company. “Why are they charging your account?!” she snapped. At this point I was so flabbergasted at this line of questioning I started mumbling and I didn’t quite know how to answer this unnecessary prying into my private business. I just said it’s for testing and she rudely asked me for my license information to verify it was me. Once that was done her whole demeanor changed and everything was handled smoothly after that. The whole conversation left a shitty taste in my mouth and I didn’t know if I was right to be angry or not.

After mulling it over for a day or so, I ended up telling N and he reacted how I assume most people would. He was livid. Of course it’s none of her business why I want my limit increased. Just increase it, bitch. As I’m writing this I’m getting a little heated because I’m thinking about how rudely the call was handled. I’m wondering if I should take it further.

Anyway, after this whole thing I started thinking about how I handled this situation and also about my mild social anxiety and how I am with strangers and then I started thinking about other aspects in my life that in my mind don’t spell parental readiness.

Right now my house is a mess. The big thing being that we’re in the middle of extensive renovation. The upstairs where the main bedroom would be is gutted and at a standstill because we’re saving for a dormer, so we’re sleeping in the potential baby’s room and have been for a while. Add to that, we don’t do dishes or laundry as often as you should. We don’t actually do many chores as often as we should. We live like a young carefree couple who don’t really have responsibilities other than paying bills.

Does that mean we’re not ready for kids? What makes people ready to have kids? I know that they allow anyone to have kids so there really isn’t a yardstick. But I wonder what makes people so they’re NOT ready to have kids?

Maybe people who say they aren’t ready to have children are going by this imaginary check list that needs to be fulfilled. Job, house, car, money in the bank. But let’s be honest. You can have all of those things and suck at parenting. Or have none of those things and be parent of the year.

Should the checklist then be intrinsic? Able to stand up for yourself, funny, not an asshole.

I don’t think anyone, not even yourself, can tell you whether or not you’re ready to be a parent. You might even change your mind once you have a child (It’s not cool but it happens). Sometimes when you’re not ready, a baby chooses you. And sometimes when you are ready, you may never get the opportunity.

I look at my life now and the dishes piled in my sink and the overflowing laundry basket may paint a picture of non-readiness; My fear of speaking to people I don’t know and the bully on the telephone may tell me I should wait a while longer; But the fact of the matter is that, in my story, I’ve made a space in my heart for children a ages ago and that space has been ready for a long time. I can’t get any more ready than that.

Take Me Off This Ride Please

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I forgot what a mind f*ck this can be. I don’t enjoy the ride. And add to that, my nurse didn’t call. I had to call her and then got voicemail so I sat in the car for a torturous 5 minutes before she called. I don’t want to play anymore. I just want to rest.

Thankfully, the news was good. 3 of my little monsters pulled through and were able to be biopsied.

We are not out of the woods yet but boy am I happy to be over this hurdle. Our follow up appointment is Jan 4th when we’ll get our results and next steps.

I’m so tired from all this worrying. And I’m so done with 2015. I’m going to go into serious holiday mode now.

Okay, I’m about to sleep my ass off right now. Thank you all for being hopeful when I had no hope. Couldn’t do it without you. xxx

Not Out Yet

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HI! Sorry I’ve been quiet, it’s been a busy 6 days. Let’s catch you up, shall we?

On Saturday I pretty much vegged all day. N was at work and I literally didn’t get off the couch. On day 1 they said that 7 embryos were icsi’d and all 7 fertilized. Yay!

On Sunday I needed to get out of the house so I went grocery and christmas shopping for 4 hours and came home and meal prepped for another 4 hours. I was feeling really down in Stop ‘n Shop. I was stressed out and not feeling confident. 7 embryos from 12 is 58% and that’s right on track with ICSI so we were doing good. But I know you all know that feeling and grocery shopping (my favourite thing to do) wasn’t helping. When the nurse called while I was in the organic aisle my heart stopped. I wish I could guage if it’s good or bad news by the way they say “This is so-and-so from Dr so-and-so’s office”, but I can never do it. I wonder what training they go through. Anyway, on day two, thankfully, all seven were still going strong. Sunday was a good day. Or so I thought.

After four hours of cooking we decided to put the tree up and do a final cleaning of the unfinished dining room. We’ll continue work after christmas. I went to lie down after dinner and immediately fell ill. The flu symptoms hit me like a ton of bricks and my ovaries were aching. Actually everything was achy and my skin was sensitive and I’m sure I was dying. I ended up taking all sorts of flu meds and called it a night. Even if I died, my seven babies still had a chance.

On Monday I still felt like I was hit by a truck but I had a meeting and decided to be brave. I do not advise that you leave the house when you have flu symptoms. It was the longest most painful day ever. I couldn’t really take deep breaths which was worrying but I’m one of those people who feels extreme guilt when it comes to taking time off work so again, I powered through. Actually, I just sat at my desk staring at the screen until it came time to leave. I honestly hadn’t thought about my seven little monsters until I got the phone call on the way home. We were down to five. Two arrested. I wouldn’t get an update until Wednesday when they would tell us how many were biopsied. Five is good. Last time on day three we had 2. So I was feeling good amidst feeling really really poorly. I got home stripped down and climbed into bed and didn’t get out until Tuesday.

Tuesday came and I was feeling midly better. flu symptoms had dissipated but the heavy abdomen was still an issue. I decided to call in sick and do some serious resting. I totally overdid it on Sunday and I was beating myself up. Tuesday was much like Saturday. I dragged myself to the couch and watched Netflix all day. By the time N came home I was feeling like my old self again. If we have to do this again, I’m going to be a lot more strict with myself about resting and the whole protein electrolyte thing. We actually had a bit of a tiff on Saturday because I wasn’t being proactive. He was annoyed that I wasn’t taking the nurse’s warning seriously but I honestly felt okay on Saturday. In retrospect I think I may have had mild OHSS. This was definitely the worst I’ve felt after an egg retrieval. I do not want to go through that again.

Back at work yesterday and it was business as usual. I actually had my 90 day review which I “passed” with flying colours. It was a good ego boost, something I desparately needed and I’m glad he thinks I’m doing a good job. I was worried he’d bring up the fact that I’ve missed 2.5 days of work since I started. As I’m writing this I’m silently stressing about asking for the 4th off for my follow up appointment. I want the whole day. I really don’t want to come in on the first day of the new year. I want to ease myself into 2016. Let’s see how it goes.

Yesterday was day 5. My 5 boogers were supposed to be biopsied. I sent them all positive vibes and told them how proud I was. I wondered what time they do biopsy. Is it as soon as they become blastocysts or do they wait a bit? I was very nervous. Guilty that I didn’t spend as much time thinking about them as I should have while I was sick. I just hoped that everything was going well. A little confident because up until now everything was going well. Again, the call came as I was driving home. It did not go as I’d expected.

We were down to four… They were still morulas… They hadn’t been biopsied… They would call tomorrow to see if any were biopsied.

I was shocked. I honestly expected most to drop off. But I didn’t expect them all to be slow growers. I texted N when I got home. His response was simply “Shit”. That sums it up perfectly. Of course there’s always room for hope, so hope we shall. When he got home he said they were probably just taking their time and proceeded to talk about something else. I don’t know how husbands can be calm at times like these, but it’s appreciated. I think that’s why they make husbands.

Anyway, that’s where we are at now. I’m okay. I knew this was going to be a tough road for us. We can do this again next month if need be and if these 4 make it then great! It’ll be okay. We’re not out yet. t-minus seven hours until we find out the next steps.

Let the Games Begin

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Just a quick update as I’m in full on rest mode. Everything went well. We have 12 little eggs who are hopefully fertilizing away nicely. Now comes the super dee duper stressful part. But today, right now, we have 12 and that’s alright by me.

The pain is manageable but there and I’m dizzy but what else is new. I might just need a nap.

Thank you all for cheering me on and checking in. N and I and our 12 potentials are forever grateful.