Category Archives: TTC drama

Makin’ babies…

Sonohysterogram and Other Updates

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Well hello! I just wanted to do another quick pop in to let you know what’s going on.

I had a sonohysterogram today. It was not fun. The nurse practitioner and the sonographer were sweethearts, of course. I should have warned them that I am a big baby.

The appointment was at 11:45 but we got there at 11 which they were really happy about. I think the sono wanted to head out early today. I was hoping N could join me to hold my hand but they whisked him upstairs for his repeat SA which he was tight lipped about afterwards. He just said that they gave him the shitty room again. Ah, the mind wonders.

They did a baseline ultrasound first and had only good things to say about my uterus, which is always a strange compliment to get but I’ll take it. The NP was awesome at explaining all her steps and her attempts to make me as comfy as possible. The devil’s hand speculum was pre-warmed (whaaat?! awesome) but still hurt like a mofo going in. The catheter was even worse. The first time I had a catheter in my uterus was when I had the IUD put in a few years ago. I almost cried that time. This felt like that. Horrible cramps that I could feel in my butt and down my legs. I was given a little respite when she took the speculum out but then the wand went in. That’s too many things in my vagina. I wasn’t happy.

After that it wasn’t the worst. It hurt a little when they squeezed the saline solution in. She did 2 big syringes which she apologized profusely for. It was just unpleasant. Trying to look interested in what someone is saying while saline solution is dripping out of your nether region is quite a story. On to the results.

So there was something odd. Despite my uterus being shaped nicely. We all saw something which to me looked like a tiny wall at the end (or beginning… or top… or bottom) of my uterus that split it in two but both sections were filling up with liquid. The NP said that it looks like something but it could be nothing and the doctor will have to tell me more. Great.

And then it was over. They took everything out and had me raise my butt so they could slide another puppy pad underneath me. When I sat up it all came gushing out. I was given a bit of privacy to get dressed and use the thickest pad known to man. Great to day to be wearing a g-string huh, dummy.

I met N outside and waited a bit so he could get a few vials of blood drawn. There was a tiny mishap and he was dripping blood down his arm but a band-aid and an ice pack cleared that up right quick.

Afterwards we grabbed some lunch and ran a few errands and now I’m home not working even though I should be.

IMG_20150630_134925

giant calzones!

I am of course Googling what I think I saw on my ultrasound. I have diagnosed myself with Asherman’s syndrome or it could just be a uterine synechia. The only reason I’m thinking Asherman’s is because my period only lasts for 2 days and there’s very little blood and those 2 days are cramp city. But those are the only 2 other symptoms. I doubt it’s that.

I have to be honest. I’m not too worried about it. It may be because whatever it is, we’ll get it sorted out. I’m not afraid of surgery or anything like that, I know that I have a great team working on this and it’ll get fixed and it’s just one step closer to a kiddo.

In other, more exciting news… I’m off to South Africa on Thursday for 3 weeks. I’m kinda bummed that I’m doing this trip solo. It’s the longest I’ll be without my dude since I came here. Kinda bummed is an understatement actually. I’m trying to cry just writing it. It’s weird bursting with excitement and sadness at the same time. I may need to up my chocolate intake.

I have to start packing right now because I don’t want to have to stress about it tomorrow as we have to leave the house at 2am on Thursday. I land at noon on Friday and then Saturday is wedding number 1. After that I’ll take the 7hr drive on Monday with my parents to Cape Town to visit family and friends until the 18th then it’s back to my home town for my brother’s wedding on the 25th. I get back here on the 28th then I’ll have my LAST THREE DAYS at my old job! Ack!!!

It’s all happening so quickly. Before I know it I’ll be starting IVF round 2. Yay! In the meantime I am going to make a concerted effort to blog more, even if it won’t be too much infertility stuff. I’ve completely abandoned my ttc instagram account. I try to pop in every now and again but I don’t feel connected to anyone there anymore and I fear when I’m ready to start a new round people will think I’m just there to take support but I wasn’t there to give support. Whatever, I like you ladies better anyway.

So there you have it. I hate that sonohysterograms are necessary. I hate that all this invasive testing is necessary, but it is and, again, it’s just one step closer to baby time.

I hope everyone is doing well. I’ll pop in again when I’m safe and surrounded by nieces and nephews. xx

Saving babies

Posted in Random Tales, TTC drama by

Hey guys! Sorry, I’ve been so quiet. I really don’t have anything of import to say of late and I was going through a few weeks of bliss, ignoring the fact that I’m infertile. But things have been going on and I can finally write about it since most of the T’s have been crossed and most of the I’s dotted.

I got a new job!!!

I put in my notice yesterday so that sealed the deal but let me start at the beginning. Remember how I said I was bored with my career? I have been working in marketing/advertising research for around 7 years now and while I find the industry fascinating I’ve always felt in the back of my mind that this isn’t what I’m meant to be doing.

The seed was planted a few years ago when my colleague told me a little story (Names have been changed to protect those involved lol). He was stressed out one day dealing with angry client service people and was on the verge of cracking when he went to his manager and dove into a long tirade about these unrealistic deadlines. At the end his boss simply looked up from his desk and asked “Toby, are we saving babies here?” … “No.” Toby replied. “So don’t worry about it”.

This metaphor really resonates with me. I know there are very few people out there who actually save babies (or lives) for a living but basically what he was asking was, does what you’re doing really matter. Not only in the greater scheme of things but to you, personally. If the answer is no, then you have to re-evaluate your situation.

That really put a lot of things into perspective for me. My job isn’t always stressful but there are days when a big client has an unreasonable request with a very short turnaround time and because they pay us (and by us I mean the company because we see none of it, but that’s another story) the big bucks we have to bow to their every whim. And if I don’t remind myself daily that we’re not saving babies, I’m liable to go insane.

But that got me thinking about my job as a whole. I know I enjoy coding surveys and trouble shooting data issue and getting my hands dirty in all things data but am I affecting change? Am I waking up everyday doing something that I’m proud of? And the answer, for me personally, was no. All I’m doing is making advertising agencies richer and helping big brands who I don’t even really have any respect for. It started frustrating me to the point where I was starting to get a little depressed.

On top of that, I was not at all happy with some of the decisions my company was making. Aside from not giving us raises for 3 years straight, the nail in the coffin was when they announced that they would no longer be giving out bonuses to anyone under the level of director. We were all ushered into a meeting room with 4 directors and a VP and we had to listen to them deliver this news. However, anyone who’d been in the company longer than a year would still be getting bonuses. They said, and I quote, “We really had to fight to get you guys these bonuses”. Wow! I’m so honored that you’d managed to easily secure bonuses for yourselves but the rest of us, who are pulling all the fucking weight by the way, were shit out of luck until you “fought for us”. Thanks. Please excuse me while I don’t kiss your feet. What about Sue and Jimmy out there who weren’t invited to the meeting, who put in just as much work and who are now getting the shaft because you couldn’t “fight for them too”?

Okay, I know, I know. I shouldn’t shoot the messenger and I also realize that a company doesn’t have to give an incentive bonus but who of you out there will work for a company where there’s no incentive to work? Didn’t think so.

That’s what kicked my job search into overdrive. Job hunting is depressing work, friends. Even when you have a post grad degree and 7 years experience. I was very lucky to land 2 interviews. Both in industries I am in love with. Food and Education. My not-so-secret dream is to become a teacher one day but I’m not afraid to admit that I’m scared to death of failing at it so when I saw this position at the high school but still using my skills as a data analyst I thought the heavens opened up and angels were singing and pointing to the “apply now” button. Similarly, my other passion is food so seeing this posting for a job at a clam chowder factory felt like the seafood heavens opened up and chowder angels were singing.

As the interview process progressed I quickly learned that the chowder job wasn’t for me and thankfully I wasn’t offered the position after 3 interviews and a really silly excel test that wouldn’t let me use the short cut keys. I mean really.

I did 2 interviews at the school and each time I walked in I really felt like I was coming home. I am beyond happy to have been offered this position. Of course with an element of sadness because I love my work friends right now. I know that me leaving won’t be the end of these friendships but not seeing them everyday will take some getting used to.

I finally feel like everything is coming together in this little journey of mine because the icing on an already delicious cake is that I’ll be getting Massachusetts health insurance which comes with (queue angels singing) Massachusetts Infertility Coveraaaage! I could be counting my chickens before they hatch because I haven’t had a chance to find out what coverage I’m getting but I have a choice of three (Harvard Pilgram HMO, Network Blue New England and Blue Care Elect Preferred – If anyone has experience with these please let me know). For all I know all three could be pretty shitty but the salary increase is high enough that I’m really not too worried about and it really can’t be worse than what I have right now (2 cycles but a retrieval and transfer are counted as 2 separate cycles… rolls eyes).

Before this, we were pretty much shit out of luck with IVF. I have 1 retrieval cycle left and to pay out of pocket for any more would be months and months of saving and ramen noodle eating which I would have done no questions asked but I can’t even explain how relieved and grateful I am for this opportunity. It’s very rare that you get to check off two dreams in one go.

The job only starts in August so it’s going to be a bit of a wait, but man is it going to feel good to be “saving babies” soon.

What Does Failure Mean To You?

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We’re conducting interviews at work and one of the questions we ask is “What does failure mean to you?”. I guess what we’re trying gain from this is to find out how a potential employee would deal with messing up on the job, which does happen from time to time.

Everyone’s answer to this is pretty textbook. They all say that failure is a learning experience, which is true. Failure is certainly something you’re supposed to learn from but sitting in a few of these interviews and staring into those bright eyes and smiling faces I know that they haven’t answered the actual question. What does failure mean to you?

I’ve been thinking a lot about what failure means to me. Not only with regards to my first failed cycle but every failure in my life thus far. Failing a class at university (Partying was more important back then). Failing at making a relationship work. Failing at getting a job I applied for. And those are just the big fails. I have yet to open a jar on my own.

I think we’re all just a sum of all our failures. Failures make us who we are and determines how we react to situations and how we communicate with people. So it would make sense that failure should mean more than just being a learning experience.

So what does failure mean to me? A few things. For me, processing failure to get to a point where you can say failure is a learning experience is similar to stages of grief. Here are the stages of failure in my experience and what they mean to me.

1. Failure means Denial:

When I fail at something the first thing I think is “Damn, I can’t believe that didn’t work.” … This feeling of denial is as strong as the amount of effort I put into the task. I replay the entire event over and over questioning everything. Why did I do it that way? Why did I get my hopes up? Why did I work so hard? I should’ve known this wasn’t going to work. The self doubt will consume me if I don’t either remind myself that I’m still worth while or have someone to remind me. But when I’m in denial I’m not feeling very worthy.

2. Failure means Anger/Shame:

Who can I blame for my failure? I’m still ask the questions from above but my answers is usually myself and it’s not good. Self doubt makes way for self deprecation. Why did I get my hopes up? Because I’m an idiot that’s why. I’m not good enough, not smart enough. How am I going to show my face in public again? I find myself saying things like “I’m never doing that again” and this is when I’m throwing away or burning things that remind me of failure and I’m simply just no fun to be around.

3. Failure means Anxiety:

Here’s where everything about the failure freaks me out and I can literally feel the bile rise in my throat at the thought of trying again. I don’t like to think about this. Even now… let’s move on.

4. Failure means … Fuck It:

Giving up is my “favourite” part of failure. I always spend my most time here. I think I’m still here now with regards to my cycle failure. I’m the person who would probably never go back in the water if I was bitten by a shark. I do not like facing my fears. That’s why I’m still afraid of the dark at 33 years old. Since failure, at this stage, has made me anxious and afraid I will now happily stick my head in the sand and never have to face it again. I’m still saying “I’m never doing that again” but with less anger and more matter-of-fact shoulder shrugging. It’s safe here. But of course it’s no way to live. If you keep giving up on everything, you’ll quickly run out of things to do.

5. Failure means Acceptance:

Here’s where I finally come to terms with the fact that I can’t live my life under my covers. I’ve had time to think about it. I’m able to finally open up and talk and sometimes even laugh about my failure. This is a good place to be. I can begin to formulate a plan for trying again. Am I ready to try again? No! I’m only ready to talk about trying again.

6. Failure means Learning:

When I try again after a failure is when I learn. I can’t in the wake of failure find the lessons. Doing the task again is when I learn a new way to go about it. I’m more cautious but more determined. And I learn a little bit more about myself which is one of the most important parts of failure. But it’s not the part that makes me the happiest, even if I’m successful this time around.

7. Failure mean Empathy:

This is what means the most to me about failure. Empathy has become so important to me at this stage in my life. Being able to relate to someone on their level is so invaluable, because you’ll know what to say and what not to say. And being able to distinguish that you aren’t on their level, that you aren’t able to actually walk a mile in their shoes, is just as invaluable.

Failure has made me mindful and has allowed me to grow where I never thought I needed to grow. Failure is inevitable and important. None of us would be who or where we are without a little bit of failure. Failure is also scary. We try to shield ourselves from it daily with hope and faith but finding the balance between hope and failure is tricky and all we can really do is be prepared for either outcome.

I’m proud of all my failures. That’s what failure means to me.

So what does failure mean to you?

Ubiquinol??

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Just jumping in really quickly to ask a quick question before I work ends. I’m in the market for some CoQ10 to help my eggies and mister’s spermies (if he ever reads this he’s going to be so angry I said spermies lol)

Anyway. I know I should be looking for ubiquinol over ubiquinone and I’m look for 200mg but if anyone has any other information before I make this investment, that would be awesome! I’m dealing with information overload and I’m not sure which to pick.

Is 200mg too much? Should I try 100 first?

So far I’m looking at the Vitamin Shoppe brand and Jarrow Formula brand. I’m on the Ubiquinol website but there’s too much to choose from.

Please help, Love you, Thanks! Bye!

confused

Chasing Pavements

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Isn’t it funny how sometimes when you’re listening to music at work, there’s one song that comes on that puts into words exactly what you’re feeling and you end up tearing up right when your boss comes over to ask how the day’s going? No, not funny? Yeah, you’re right.

I’m learning so many new things everyday with the IVF process. Today’s lesson(s): Always check, double check, and triple check what your insurance carrier tells you vs what your clinic tells you. Do not, under any any circumstances, assume that what 2 people say is law. Do not trust anything that sounds too good to be true as far as your insurance carrier covering certain procedures. If you do this, you will most likely end up with a surprise bill that you in no way budgeted for and you will invariably find yourself at your desk listening to Adele ask the tough questions, with tears in your eyes playing it off as the end of big yawn so your boss would just go away.

I don’t want to go into too much detail because I’ve since made my peace with it and realize that fighting with my insurance company over a what someone told me over the phone in September is not going to make them reverse their decision or even investigate the matter. But I have 100% learned my lesson and I a wiser for it.. and a little more bitter.

“Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements?”… I don’t know, Adele.. That’s a good question. That’s how I felt on Tuesday after reading the bill and talking to the rudest lady in the collections department at the genetics lab. Just when I came to terms with moving IVF #2 out a few months. I’m now having to come to terms with pushing it out another few more months. And we all know how gut wrenching all this waiting is. I honestly didn’t even want to bother anymore.

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I can’t deal with waiting. Why I break into a cold sweat just thinking about it. And it’s simply because I don’t like that feeling I get when someone I know personally gets pregnant. Don’t like is putting it mildly. We all know the feeling. But can I really live my life in fear while waiting? My friends are either trying to get pregnant, getting married so pregnancy is sure to follow at some point, or talking about baby number 2 and I am experiencing anxiety and depression even though it hasn’t even happened yet. I’m already depressed about pregnancies that are only in my head. I feel like I won’t recover if someone else I love becomes pregnant before me. Really? really?

So I started to shift my thinking… In the time we started this journey 5 of my loved ones have become pregnant before me. 3 of them have given birth to beautiful little angels. And me? I survived through all of it. Was I devastated? Yes. Did I make it through? Absolutely.

The bottom line is that life goes on. People are 100% going to get pregnant before me and I will 100% be a broken mess for a few days (or weeks) and I will 100% get up and carry on. I cannot be afraid of something I have no control over. That’s no way to live. I have to start to live again.

Now I don’t know where we stand with IVF #2 anymore. I have a few things going on that I’m excited about and right now IVF #2 does not excite me. I almost can’t believe I’m saying that but it’s true. The way the genetics lab and my insurance carrier have handled this bill has left a very bitter taste in my mouth and I have two work with both of these entities again when I’d really rather just spit in their respective faces (especially that rude bitch on the phone).

I’m not giving up, Adele. And I’m not chasing pavements either. I am just going to try and regain control of my little world for now.

Just Five More Minutes, Mom

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I’m afraid my blog is going to become decidedly boring if you’re only looking for TTC related posts. We do have a new plan for making a baby but it involves a hiatus of at least 5 months, which I’m finally okay with since I have a lot to do to prepare.

My WTF appointment went really well. He’s decided to start me on higher doses of meds (Menopur and Gonal F) in the beginning and then dropping me down after, if the need arises. That way we’re not catching up. He’s also going to make me get 2 different triggers (Lupron and a different one, I forget which) and then decide which to use based on follicle sizes at the end.

And because my insurance is as it is we have to redo some of the diagnostic tests. N’s SA, disease screening, etc. But a new test is the sonohysterogram. I’m obviously dreading this but it’s a long way away so no need to work myself up now.

I think that was all but of course, now there’s the wait. I’ve said this before but it bares repeating. My insurance only covers 2 cycles at 80%. The catch is that they count a retrieval and a transfer as two separate cycles. We had them cover our first retrieval and we paid for the transfer out of pocket. Now we’re going to repeat this process and have to save up the 20% for the retrieval and another 5ish grand for the transfer…

So there you have it. The wait is on.. again. I do have plenty of things to do in between then and now to keep myself occupied but I’m still not done hiding under the blankets. I’m not ready to start fighting yet. I think it’s because I’ve realized now how big of a fight it is. I know I can do it but it’s so much easier to stay under the blankets.

Maybe tomorrow…

download Quote Nothing in life worth having comes easy

After the Dust has Settled

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So the phone call on Friday evening came as no surprise but I still allowed myself to weep silently for a while. We have our follow up appointed (more affectionately named, the WTF happened appointment) on Tuesday and he wants us to meet with the PGD team too for some reason. Is it okay that I’m angry because I’m dreading this appointment? I don’t like crying in front of strangers and I will most certainly cry if someone mentions what happened. I really don’t want to do it.

It is now Sunday morning and I think I’m all cried out. Yesterday was spent telling my family, friends  and some ttc sisters that we kept the FET a secret and that it hadn’t worked. The outpouring of love and support was too much for me  and I was a weepy mess all day. I went to get my hair coloured and cut with a good friend and she bought me lunch after and we talked about it as much as I could. I definitely needed that.

I spent the rest of the day wallowing in despair. I felt a physical pit in my stomach. Probably the same spot where a baby is supposed to be growing right now. The injustice of it all.

I’m so angry. Angry at myself for getting my hopes up. Angry for not telling anyone because it was so lonely going through this even though I knew it was best for me at the time. I’m angry that I’m letting it get to me so much. I’m angry that we can’t try again immediately. I’m angry that we probably won’t be able to try for a long time while we save up.

I’m so sad. I’m sad that I couldn’t keep my baby alive for more than a few days.

I’m so scared. I’m scared that a childless life is a real possibility. I’m scared that everyone else will become pregnant before I do.

So here we are today. I’ve made a realisation. Before, I feel like I was an outsider looking in. Infertility was just a thing I couldn’t put my finger on and it didn’t feel real. But when I look at that positive pregnancy test I realise what I had and what was taken away and how much I actually want and need to be a mother. It’s awakened something else in me. I’ve never in my life been pregnant before and now that I’ve tasted it, I’m addicted and it’s fucking scary. Determination in the face of extreme adversity is new to me.

I’ve never before had a real purpose I don’t think. Nothing this real anyway. I’m faced with 2 options. Quit… Or fight to the death. Right now I’m really on the fence because I’m at rock bottom it could go either way. The only reason I feel like quitting is because I have no fight in me today. Thinking of this fight is tiring me out. I’m sure I have it in me but not today.

Maybe tomorrow.

Oh look… I guess I’m not all cried out…

TWW (Two Week Wait) – Long Post

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CHAPTER ONE:

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit scared out of my mind. Actually I’ve had moments of despair knowing in my heart that this won’t work.

Our baby is an EBBB graded embryo. This is different to the number-letter-letter grading so I looked it up and this is what it means:

Blastocysts are graded on the basis of expansion/size, ICM (inner cell mass) and Trophectoderm (TE) and recorded by a string of FOUR letters. First two letters refer to the expansion/size of the blastocyst and the following two letters denote the quality of ICM and TE respectively.

Expansion:
Early Blastocyst (<50% cavity)=EB
Expanded Blastocyst (>50% cavity)=XB
Hatching Blastocyst=HB
ICM:
Based on the cohesiveness and the size, the ICM is (subjectively) graded as A (GOOD), B (FAIR) or C (POOR).
TE:
Depending on the number and microscopic morphology of cells in the trophectoderm layer, it is graded as A (GOOD), B (FAIR) or C (POOR).
As you can imagine I’ve been googling EBBB success rates and scrutinizing the picture they gave us. I’m just not sure. And another thing that’s worrying me is that when they thawed it it didn’t grow further. It didn’t degrade which is fantastic but it didn’t progress either.
On the other hand I have a few symptoms, I think. I have a constant cramp in my lower abdomen. I don’t know if this is good or bad. It’s not painful just constant. It feels like ovulation cramp just all the time but it goes away when I walk around. And every now and then I feel a tiny stab in my lower abdomen too. This is the only thing giving me hope as I’ve read about this happening.
Now I’m dealing with guilt for not having faith, despair because I don’t think this is it, hope because I’m crampy. I heard the tww was a rollercoaster but my goodness.
1 day down… 9 days to go. fml.
CHAPTER TWO:

I woke up in complete despair. I’m very fragile and husband mentioned that the clinic took $145 out of our account without notifying us. This was not what I wanted to hear. I woke up with no more cramps so that was already messing with me.

I had a nightmare last night. I don’t remember much but it involved my niece and nephew getting up out of bed and running to the door screaming. I don’t know why or what from but I could sense the fear and it stayed with me after I woke up. I had to pee and that felt a little reassuring because I don’t generally have to pee in the middle of the night and I didn’t have anything to drink too late last night.

But the drive to work was a nightmare. I was annoyed with this money story and just not feeling very positive about anything. It was very overwhelming and I almost cried.

I remember feeling like this when they told us we only had 2 embryos to test. It was a dark time. But I crawled my way out of it and was in a very good place. I was at peace with either outcome and I need to get there. I have to try and enjoy where I am right now.

I’m actually IM’ing a friend from back home about my dark mood and he’s helping a little. I’m feeling way better than I did this morning. To help matters the $145 wasn’t the clinic it was actually the double acupuncture appointment on Tuesday :). So I’m definitely better in that regard.

Although the constant cramp is gone and I’m a lot less bloated today, I’m still feeling very small tiny blips in my lower abdomen and I’ve had subtle heartburn since I had some chicken salad a few hours ago. The first time I’m enjoying heartburn.

In my head I’m singing the song Phoebe sang to the fetuses the day she got implanted with 5 embryos in that one episode of Friends! I love how she got implanted and got a positive test that very same day!! Ah if only.

 CHAPTER THREE:

I am 4dp5dt.

The crazy fog has lifted. I think the universe was looking out for me. On Wednesday, in the midst of my funk, 3 bloggers made posts that spoke to me directly and really helped me to get a grip. A big thank you to girl4182 for this post, chels819 for this post, JENNIE for this post (and Caroline for the quote) and of course my husband for reminding me to remain positive. Each of you said something I absolutely needed to hear so really really thank you.

My next thank you is obviously to Shonda Rhimes (lol). Without giving too much away, Amelia has to a surgery but before she goes in she does a superhero pose… The theory is that if you stand in a superhero pose for about 2 minutes while breathing deeply and standing tall with your chest out, you will feel more confident and positive and your mood elevates… I googled it. It’s a real thing. So, yes, I dragged my ass off to the bathroom because I didn’t want to look like a fool in front of my colleagues and I stood in superhero pose for 2 minutes.

Did it help? A little. But only because I ended up chuckling at myself. I felt a little silly but I did feel better after.

My final thank you goes out to Earth Wind and Fire. Because how can you be in despair when listening to Earth Wind and Fire?

Yesterday at 3dpt I still didn’t have any symptoms but I was okay. I was thinking about where I was. 3dpt was further than I’d ever been in this journey and that in itself is amazing! I never thought I’d be here. One day at a time.

And now I’m here! 4dpt! I have a constant cramp on my left side since I woke up and while it’s not there anymore, my boobs felt heavy and my nipples were tingly. I keep jiggling my boobs to test but it’s definitely gone. I hope I’m not the only one out there jiggling her boobs during the tww :). The cramp is there though. There’s a part of me that’s worried about it being ectopic but I really can’t worry about that now. One stressor at a time please.

Anyway, This time last week I was saying this time next I’ll possibly be 3dpt and now I can say this time next week I’ll possibly be… argh, I can’t even write it. Damn you superstitions!

Hope everyone is doing well. Here’s some Earth Wind and Fire. Play this while doing the superhero pose if you’re feeling down. 🙂

CHAPTER FOUR:

The two week wait sucks

CHAPTER FIVE:

I almost tested this morning but I think the universe was looking out for me because I couldn’t find the bag of wondfo’s I bought just for this reason! Picture me with a full bladder running and dancing around the house this morning looking for them. It was pretty funny. I’m still not sure if I should test or not. N gave the thumbs up but I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for a BFN.

I still have no idea if this has worked or not. My symptoms are barely worth mentioning. It’s like my body is teasing me with symptoms. And I’m only quasi-moody. Yesterday I had a nagging cramp on my right side for solid 6 hours. I had to practically scootch all the way down in my seat to get comfortable then on the drive home my left butt cheek went numb. And then today, nothing. WTH!

In the meantime I’ve just been rubbing my belly and talking to my kid and kissing the picture of the embryo everyday.

8 days down… 2 more to go.

CHAPTER 6

9dp5dt and I was pregnant for a day.

I shouldn’t have tested. I’ll never do that again. Yesterday I found a test in my back pack from last year. I forgot I had it. The expiration date was 2016 so I thought it would be okay. That was my first mistake. On my way home I bought 2 dollar tree tests. That was my second mistake. When I walked in I just told N we’re doing this. I squeezed out a 7:30pm pee on the old test and immediately got a faint positive. I had never seen a positive in my life. We didn’t talk about it much. Just enjoyed the rest of the evening in silent elation. I couldn’t stop looking at the stick. I kept checking it every half hour just to make sure I wasn’t seeing things but there it was. We watched Tosh.O and the Empire finale (how good is this show, man! My new favourite) and half of Family Guy. Then I attempted to go to sleep. I obviously tossed and turned for hours. I was over the moon but still scared. I didn’t want to get too excited but I couldn’t wait for this morning’s test. Just to put me at ease.

I did not expect the glaring negative that appeared this morning. Not even a hint a line. Nothing. So much nothing. I’ve never hated an inanimate object so much. Confusion. Anger. Despair. Why did I test? What’s going on? a chemical pregnancy? A false positive on the other test? I’ll never know. I know false negatives are few an far between so I’ve given up hope. I still have a pain on my lower left side but it’s not as bad as the pain in my heart right now.

N tried to reassure me but I’m a little inconsolable right now. Also, we kind of knew this was a long shot and that we should try to take this round as a trial round but how can I not be a little distraught?

Infertility sucks my friends. But onward and upward. At least I can drink again.

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Hi Baby!

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Bye Baby…

CHAPTER SIX:

Well, there it is… The dreaded voicemail… Waiting until I get home so N can listen to it. I can’t bear it.

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Embaby on Board

Posted in TTC drama by

I’m 1dp5dt (1 day past 5 day transfer)… Wow, I never thought I’d get to write that ever. I’m in shock. Again, one of the many things I’m feeling. Here’s the blow-by-blow.

We got to acupuncture at 8:30. Dr L is so great he came in especially for me since he doesn’t open that early so that was greatly appreciated. I was relatively relaxed and had a hell of a lot more needles put in. It was a good session but was subsequently ruined when I saw a voicemail from the clinic. My heart was racing when I listened back but it was just them saying they’re definitely doing the transfer but pushed my time up to 11:45. I’m very glad that I made us get a move on early. We were up there by 10:30 and faffed around until 11:15 when I had to do my nervous pee.

My transfer was set for 12:45 but I had to come an hour early to start drinking water and take a valium and sign paper work. She said do 2-3 cups of water and to space it out since we had a lot of time. I forgot that I have a toddler’s bladder and I only got through a cup and a bit and I was bursting… and we still have 30min to go. I don’t listen to instruction well when I’m nervous. I asked the nurse if she knew if my child survived the thaw and she was like “Yes, that’s the only reason you’re here.”. The morning phone call is to tell us to come in or not. That made me feel really good but she said that the day 5 embryos always thaw perfectly and they have it down to an art :). Dr G gave us and 80% thaw survival rate. That 20% still had me up at night.

I was given a wrist band with my details on it and we were ushered into the room where the magic happens. I only had to undress the bottom half and neither of us had to wear the bonnets or shoe covers some people wear. The old doctor with the high waisted scrubs who did my retrieval was doing the transfer which makes me wonder what our RE’s job is if he’s not doing retrievals or transfers.

My bladder was ridiculous at this point. I really could barely deal but I was brave. The nurse said it was perfect and didn’t want me to go empty it a little. So, it was a party of five in there. Me, N, ultrasound nurse, old man doctor and cheerleader clipboard nurse who had very complimentary things to say about my uterus. She had me confirm my name to her twice to make sure we don’t get any embie mix ups. Then it was speculum time.

ultrasound nurse was so gentle I wanted to kiss her. So I didn’t pee all over Oldie. The speculum was as it always was, terrible. He also cleaned my cervix with the cheerleader smiling at my vagina creepily. The catheter was a breeze, I saw it on the ultrasound but didn’t feel it go in. I did start shaking though. I was getting very cold. So they brought me a warm blanket and life made sense again.

Then Ultrasound opened a side door and said “We’re ready”. 2 embryologists (I assume that’s who they were) appeared in unison with another clipboard and asked my name and checked my wrist band, then left and closed the door…in unison. Cheerleader said they’re just prepping and I should see it pop on the screen. 5 seconds later there it was.

I let out a really loud gasp and Cheerleader and Ultrasound said “awww”… So tiny and perfect. They took a pic for us. They said it thawed perfectly. I still can’t put into words what I was thinking or feeling. The screen went back to the ultrasound and we waited until the embryologist twins came in with my baby in a tube and silently left and we watched Oldie do his thing. It was over before I knew it. I didn’t get a picture of the little white line in my uterus that was my baby but seeing it was priceless.

After that, our new friends wished us luck and we were given all the necessary instructions. No bed rest, just take it easy and that was that.

Back at acupuncture I couldn’t really relax when I was on my back. My mind was racing and it was colder than usual but when I was on my stomach I was out like a light. It was awesome until the heating lamp thing dinged and startled me. I twitched really hard and pulled something in my lower back and felt a twinge in my abdomen. I’m really scared about that, but trying to put it out of my mind.

When we eventually got home, I’d hired 3 movies (Catching Fire, Delivery Man and Big Hero 6). Catching Fire and Delivery Man were trrrrash. Don’t bother. Big Hero 6 was awesome. We had a really late lunch/early dinner and I had halloumi cheese and olives as a 9pm snack. I’m going to write a post about my love for halloumi cheese. It warrants it’s own post. And then we went to bed and as I was dozing off N put his hand on my tummy thus making a perfect day even more perfect.

This whole transfer experience was surreal and awesome. And even if it doesn’t work out for us this round, I highly recommend it… well, you know… if you have to.

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The Call

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We’ve finally made it. It’s finally transfer day eve.

The call came at 3pm. Do they do that on purpose you think? Oh yes, let’s make them sweat until their about to snap and THEN call them *evil laugh*. I’m sure they have a process but man that’s a long wait. I took half of today off and went to get some socks to wear tomorrow. I was looking for ladybird socks but settled for cute pineapple ones. I also found very cute ladybird earrings. I also realised that I still have the t-shirt I wore on our first date, so I’m going to wear that too.

To say that I’m excited is beyond an understatement. Actually excited is one of the many emotions I’m feeling. I’m certainly not going to be sleeping tonight. I have my first acupuncture appointment at 8:30 then we take a long drive up to Lexington for noon. I’ll then drink water for an hour and take some yummy Valium. Transfer is set for 1pm after which I’ll go back to the second acupuncture appointment.

Unfortunately, I’ve taken no time off work. I have 2 weddings in July in South Africa and I have to save all my time off but depending on how I feel I may work from home.

So that’s it… 4 more hours til bed time. I’ve already cooked dinner. I made my favourite soup that should take us until Thursday. I don’t want to have to cook anything for a few days.  Now how am I going to kill 4 hours? Maybe I should do my hair…

I’ll leave you with some pics of the stuff I got for the transfer. And a little painted stone ladybird from our yard. N’s grandmother painted it a while back and I forgot we had it.

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