Category Archives: TTC drama

Makin’ babies…

Updates Updates Updates

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I went to the wtf appointment by myself yesterday. We had words about it but whatev’s, I’m over it now. I was doing really well when the doctor came to get me. We were chit chatting about the weather and stuff but when I sat down he got really serious and quiet and apologised for the negative and he can’t imagine the toll this is taking on us, blah blah blah. I was fine up until then, then I had to blink away tears and make an awkward joke. I can’t even remember what it was.

So he said a few things. It could be my lining so we’re going to do an endometrial biopsy and another hysteroscopy at the same time. Thankfully we’ll do this with the next cycle while I’m on bcp’s so there’ll not be a delay. Yay! He said it could also still be other genetic issues with the embryos that they can’t pick up in PGS. Bleh. We’ll try this next round with the biopsy and go from there. He keeps saying that all his translocation patients have to work a little harder and have to do more rounds than any other couple would so I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for a long road.

I asked if there’s a chance I could have endometriosis and he said that from what he has on file and what I’ve told him that it’s not likely and if I did that it wouldn’t be worse than stage 1 or 2 and he wouldn’t want to do a laparoscopy out since it’s invasive. 20 bucks says by round 5 I’ll be booked for one, stat :).

What else did he say? Oh, I asked about egg quality and he checked his notes and said that the folks in the lab commented that they weren’t the prettiest and they weren’t jumping up and down about them but also that in his experience he’s seen women with the same comments go one to have successful pregnancies and we’re getting fertilization and blastocysts so he’s not worried about that.

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As for protocol, my first round I was on a 75iu Menopur and Gonal F  and we slowly increased and triggered with HCG in the butt. I ended up with 14 eggs, 13 mature. The second I was on 150iu Menopur and Gonal F (I believe) and we slowly increased and triggered with HCG in the tummy. I ended up with 12 eggs, 7 mature. So he decided to do a mix of both rounds and use a Lupron trigger next time. So we’re doing 75iu Menopur and 150 Gonal F and we’ll go from there. Also, the clinic has switched from Ganirelix to Cetrotide for insurance purposes. Yay for no more blunt needles!

I also got to meet the new nurse D. He was really sweet. I feel bad for being mean to him now. But all in all it was a good appointment I think. I always forget to ask questions. But I think I covered everything. Whatever, can we just start? If my body plays along, we should be ready to kick things off in 16 days. Whoop! Let’s go!

minionsyay_meme-www.memegen.com

And some shitty insurance news of course… Because what IVF cycle would be complete without insurance woes. So they still haven’t paid my claim for the genetics testing. I called about a month ago and the young lady said that the claim was there but that it takes about 40 days. Okay, fine. It’s now been 2 months and I called again (I really should have called sooner) only to find out that some genius tagged the claim as Fitness & Wellness and not Medical so no one’s looked at it…for 2 months… 2 months.

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Thankfully, the guy (another D.. his name is D. Not D as in, well, you know), gave me his email address and he said he’d have them expedite the claim and he’d get it sorted out asap. Yaaaa…What?  Nope, D found another issue. Apparently, I’d sent the wrong bill. It didn’t have any of the codes that were needed.

Captain-Picard-Facepalm

But again, D said to just call the genetics lab and have them send over the correct bill and to forward to him directly so that we can get it fixed up real quick. Great. I quickly hopped on the line with the genetics lab and very nice yet somewhat unsure-of-herself older woman told me that they should send me an itemized bill in about 5 business days. I have a feeling I’m going to have to follow up on this but for now we’ll leave it up to the infertility gods.

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Anyway, that’s all I have for now. Life is going to be dull again for the next 16 days but I’ll find some stuff to blog about.

Time to catch up on what’s going on in your lives.

xx

The Audacity of Hope

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So yesterday marks 2 weeks since our second failed cycle. This one has been easier to process, thankfully, and I really want to thank everyone who left messages on my BFN post. I really appreciate all of your kinds words.
We had a very busy weekend after the news which was good and bad. Good because I needed to take my mind off things and bad because the full weight of it only hit me the following Monday on my way to work and I was just so incredibly angry with everything and everyone. The past two weeks have been murder at work also but we’re back to a lull in the office so I’m at least able to write a little bit.
The Friday after the call. I immediately called for my follow-up appointment, which is next Monday (that 2ww for a follow up was the beginning of my rage), and we took a shower and got ready for dinner. N was great as always. We hugged and tried to keep our chins up. I was actually very okay on Friday. We went to dinner with our dear friends B and B and had the best time. It was a French restaurant and I had foie gras for the first time and now I am obsessed. My father always told me that I have an expensive palette hahaha. I actually spent most of the following week trying to find out where I buy some foie gras. Man, that stuff is expensive. I am aware about the controversy around ethical treatment of ducks to make foie gras but I found other sites that made me feel a little better about myself. But I digress.
It turns out we had such a good time at the restaurant that I forgot my phone there and had to go back in the early hours of Saturday to retrieve it. If they were actually open for business at the time I would have gotten more foie gras because I misplaced my leftovers from the night before! I’m still upset about that. I lost my phone and my new favourite food.
We met our other friends J and H at their house and the 4 of us drove down to Connecticut for the night. J is N’s best friend from high school and the only person he’s opened up to about IVF. I’m so proud of him for that. He is very candid with him and I think it makes them a little uncomfortable because they don’t know how to react or what to say but they were very supportive and even paid for dinner that night :). Hey, I’ll take it. We were in Connecticut to see Bill Burr. The show was hilarious as expected and the rest of the evening was a lot of fun too. We lost about $60 at the penny slots and had a lot to drink and we ended the night with Domino’s pizza. A 24hr Domino’s at a gas station, like the universe intended.
We got home on Sunday and didn’t really do much else. But I wish we could go on little trips like that more often. Actually, I shouldn’t wish. I should just make it happen. Anyway, on Tuesday I found the strength (somewhat) to tell my boss that we’re doing IVF. I’ll write another post on that later.
As I said, this last failure didn’t break me down or make me sad. It made me extremely angry. I wonder if each failed cycle is a step in the grief cycle. I’ll certainly be bargaining if round 3 fails.
I was angry with my RE and my body and myself mostly. I don’t understand what’s going on. I was angry at my RE for just not getting me pregnant yet and making me wait to start again. The day I got my period I was so angry, I’m sure I pulled a muscle in my neck. I was Angry at my body for failing again and I was so very angry at myself for having the audacity to hope that this would work.
With the odds so heavily stacked against us, why would any of this work? How dare I believe that this would go any other way but south? What I learned from this cycle is that you can have the most perfect stim cycle, perfect lining, a perfect hatching embryo and all the hope in the world still end up with a big fat fuck all. Nothing means anything, so really, all my hoping didn’t mean shit. So why did I hope this round would work? Why am I doing another round? Why, as I’m writing this, I’m already hoping round 3 will work?
It’s simple really. Hope is what’s getting me out of bed and what’s keeping me going. Hope and faith are said to go hand in hand and my faith falters a lot because I’ve had so many doors closed in my face. So hope carries me in the absence of faith.
There’s a painting called Hope by George Frederic Watts that I think describes what I’ve been feeling about hope. It’s a lady, blindfolded, looking rather shabby, clutching a lyre and it looks like she’s trying to listen to the music made by the last string. I feel like that sometimes. When everything goes to shit around me, I still have the audacity to make a little music.
So while I’m still a little down-trodden, I haven’t given up. Why would I?  We’re only on round 2. The game is far from over. With every fail I gain a bit of wisdom and a bit of empathy and a bit of strength and a bit (a very teeny tiny bit) of patience and I’m taking that with me into round 3.
I’m so ready and I really really hope round 3 works.
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source: wikipedia

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Infertility

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You have ruined my perfect pregnancy announcement
You have ripped down the decorations at my baby shower
You have turned my babies’ names to ashes in my mouth

You punch me in the gut when I see a baby bump
You slap me in the face when dare to hope that this could be it
You push me down when I try to get back up

You tap me on the shoulder when I’m looking ahead
You lurk in dark corners when I’m bathing in the sun
You sleep in between my love and I at night

You have made me stronger than I ever thought I could be
You make me fall in love again every day
You have given me new friends

You have shown me the true meaning of empathy
You have taught me to fight when I have no fight left
You have taken away my ability
to absolutely

not

give

up

‘Twas the Night Before Beta

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And all through the house, this girl was ready to go to bed at 4:30 because she’s so over this waiting game. Oh my gooood.

Over it. Over it. Over it. It’s anyone’s game at this stage. I think. I’m not as confident as I was before because I’ve had some time to mull over a negative result. Since I’ve been there before I kind of know what to expect so I’m just reliving those feelings and getting myself ready. I simply can’t wrap my mind around being pregnant. It’s strange. I keep thinking about hearing a positive beta. Or writing the words in text or my next post but my brain goes blank. I’d rather not think about it. Thinking about a negative beta just makes more sense. I guess because I’ve been there I think I’m just scared. Scared of the unknown I guess.

It’s going to be a long day but as soon as it’s time to clock out, I think I’m going to have a pretty awesome weekend regardless of the outcome. I’m quite proud of how plans turned out. The clinic opens at 6:30 and I’m going to be there bright and early. I’ll have them leave a voicemail and I’ll wait for N to come home to listen. He just walked in so it’ll probably be around this time tomorrow. Then we have dinner plans with friends. We haven’t seen them in a while so I’m really looking forward to it. Of course it’s a Groupon dinner so that’s even better.

Saturday we’re going to see Bill Burr. I can’t tell you how excited I am about this. I’m crawling out of my skin. I’m going to go ahead and say I’m more excited for Bill than I am for the Beta call. Bill won’t disappoint. Since it’s over an hour’s drive to go see him we decided to stay over so that’s another score!! And we’re going to eat out again. Seriously, any weekend where I get to eat out more than once is a great weekend in my book.

I realise that if it’s a positive beta they’ll want to do another draw on Sunday and we won’t be home then. I’ll just ask them to move it Monday. It might upset grumpy nurse but I’m okay with a Monday draw.

And that’s all I have for you today. Thank you everyone for keeping me sane during this TWW. Thanks for coming along for the ride. We’ve done all we can. This round was a lot smoother and a lot calmer and for that I’m grateful at least.

Cheers to our little hatchling! Good luck little baby. Mama’s proud of you either way.

5, 6 and 7dpt

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So no one cared that I didn’t drink on Saturday :). To be fair I only knew 2 out of the 5 of us there so why would anyone question why I wasn’t drinking? I spent most of the night sipping on water and staring longingly at a beautiful block of blue cheese. It was actually a fun night considering that the host and I were the only 2 non-moms (we both have 3 cats each, that’s why I love her). I really enjoyed listening to them tell funny stories about their kids. Kids are great. I should try to have some… Oh wait.

Sunday passed without any excitement. I was a bit naughty and painted 2 doors outside. I figured what could be more ventilated than outside right? Of course if we get a negative I’ll of course blame the painting but at least I’ll have some pretty painted doors to look at and wipe my tears on.

Yesterday I had a cleaning at the dentist. I told gave her the list of medication I’m on. She asked why the aspirin and I explained about the IVF and she just smiled the smile of one who didn’t know what to say. She then mentioned x-rays and I asked if it was okay to get x-rays if there’s a possibility thaaat, you know, IVF. She got the hint but I physically couldn’t say the word pregnant. Strange. Anyway, the cleaning hurt more than I was used to and so much blood. Possibly because of the aspirin, but I survived. I usually enjoy going to the dentist but she hurt me. The good news is that the dentist signed off on my braces and faxed over the papers to the Orthodontist. All I need now is a down payment and I can go ahead and make my appointment to get my braces! I can’t wait!!!

Today we’re 7dp6dt. Still no symptoms but I’m feeling more positive than negative. I was actually telling my friends today that I need to prepare myself for the possibility that this could be negative. It’s going to suck to start from scratch but we have 5 more rounds. A negative beta is going to break me a little more but it won’t be the end. I’ve also decided to tell my boss that we’re doing IVF if it comes back negative. It feels like the right thing to do.

THREE MORE SLEEPS!! I’m in bed already. Hubs is playing online video games with some friends and I have a hot date with Hugh the Hand… No! It’s a character in the book I’m reading… Really, it is!

3 and 4dpt

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I wanted to do these every day but I don’t have anything of import to report. Obviously no symptoms. So I’m just really trying to keep myself occupied. I found another small project I can do and my good IF friend reminded me that she’d sent me an adult colouring book that I completely forgot about.

I got an old secretary’s desk from N’s gran that I’ve been storing my makeup in (not that I ever wear makeup) and I’ve decided to make it more user friendly. Right now I just have my caboodle in it and it’s a bit of a mess. So yesterday I bought a few makeup organizers to make it pretty and girlie. I even found some fairy lights (I LOVE FAIRY LIGHTS). I have to order a few more things. Like a better mirror etc but I’m a little excited about this. Here are some before pics.

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Tonight I’m going to a girl’s night at a friend’s house. I’m making some sausage rolls and cheese puffs for snacks but I have no idea how to explain not drinking. I could use the old anti-biotic excuse but that’s really not me (I usually don’t let anti-biotics stop me from drinking) and I feel like all pregnant women use the anti-biotic excuse and I’d really rather not have people think I’m pregnant and make pregnancy jokes. My other excuse was going to be that I’m quitting for a diet but the problem with that is that we’re seeing the one couple next Saturday as well and if I get a negative I’m definitely going to be drinking and I don’t want to seem like a quitter. Hahaha. OMG, I just realized how silly this all is. It’s N’s best friend from high school so I’m secretly hoping he’ll just tell them so that I don’t have to lie. He’s opened up to J before but I’m not sure if he wants to tell him that we’re in the middle of a tww right now. I’ll ask him later. Let’s see how it goes. Right now the diet excuse is probably going to win because I’m known a serial dieter.

I’m off to acupuncture again. Hope everyone is having a good Saturday!

A Little Bit of Crazy

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I’ve mentioned before how superstitious I am. It’s not something I’m proud of but if I could stop I would. I also try to look for signs in everything. I was trying for this cycle to not let that happen and I’ll certainly feel sheepish if this doesn’t work, despite my best non-fact-based efforts.

First, if it wasn’t frowned upon to do so, I would be wearing the same clothes I wore to the transfer for the whole tww. Underwear included. Thankfully I’m not able to do that. I have, however, not removed my wedding ring. I usually take it off as soon as I walk in the house and sometimes I won’t wear it for days, much to N’s chagrin. But I feel like it’s bringing me luck right now. My valentine’s day earrings too, I have 10 holes in my ears from previous piercings but don’t wear earrings really. I feel like the earrings are good luck too, just like my ladybird/bug earrings from last transfer. The last thing I’m having trouble removing is my hospital bracelet from the clinic. That’s a weird one.

Back in the day when we went to events or places that required wrist bands, my cousin and I would see who could keep their wrist bands on the longest. Since she doesn’t read this, I’m going to go ahead and say that I always won but it would be weeks long battles. I am a pro at keeping wrist bands on and safe from too much water damage. I think it’s because of that that I feel like wrist bands are good luck or at least hold some sort of meaning. Every procedure I’ve had at this clinic, I’ve kept the wrist bands on until I got the results. You’d be amazed at how well they hold up in water, even if the writing washes off. I’ve also held on to most of the wrist bands. I’ll have to make an IVF memory book when this is all over.

The words on the band are all but completely gone and I’ll have to keep wearing long sleeves so as not to invite questions but every time I pull my sleeves up I see it peeping out and I immediately think of our embryo hopefully snuggling up nicely and it makes me smile.

Obviously wearing a wrist band from your transfer has no bearing on wether you’ll end up pregnant or not. Obviously. But that’s the nature of a superstition, right? I know I sound like a crazy person right now, but I’m comforted by the band. And I need as much comfort as I can get for these next 8 days.

1 and 2dpt

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Yesterday was a good day. I had the day off so spent most of the morning Skyping with my parents. We spoke for at least 2 hours. They’re so cute. The told me that they fasted the entire day on transfer day and lit candles. They were electric so that they wouldn’t have to worry about burning the house down.

At one point I moved from the bed to the couch and they yelled at me to not move and to lay down with my feet elevated. I was given a lecture on what’s going on in my body right now and how self-care is important. They also told me about the importance of thinking of a happy place. A place I can go to in my mind to find calm.

It was really lovely talking to them. I was sad to end it but Mum had to go to church and Dad had some tv watching to do I think.

I am trying to do a social media break. I find that I’m a little too addicted to grabbing my phone every few minutes and I really should have just stayed off. I actually need to delete these apps for the next 2 weeks I think. Just to try and focus on other things. I really wanted to finish my book but I only read about 2 chapters yesterday. Pathetic. Anyway, I did stumble on a very surprising FB pregnancy announcement in my IVF group. A surprise natural pregnancy after ivf baby. Those are fun, huh. A little jealousy mixed in with overwhelming happiness?

After that I started feeling antsy and ended up Googling what should be happening at each stage after transfer (see below). I wasn’t feeling any twinges or anything. I feel pulling on my left side if I sit/lie still for too long but that’s it. Nothing else. Today, I noticed a very teeny tiny little bit of brown discharge and a tiny bit of heartburn but nothing else. Of course it’s too early and I’m trying my best to not symptom spot but it’s probably going to be an exercise in futility.

When I couldn’t stand laying down any longer I decided to meal prep for the rest of the week. I definitely found my calm doing that. So much so that I’ve decided to cook as often as I can for the next 8 days until beta to keep my mind occupied. I did the menu at work (I know I spoke about Yumprint before but if you want to meal plan like a boss, this is the site to use). Trying to keep it warm and comforting. It’s only a few meals. Enough for leftovers and lunch. I’m not big on breakfast during the week and N usually just has a yogurt with fruit. I do big breakfasts on Saturdays and Sundays.

So I’ll leave it there for today. Here’s our menu. Most of the recipes are off pinterest. I’m not sure if it’s cool to post a recipe that isn’t yours but I’ll attach links to the sources if anyone is interested.

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Today:
San Choy Bow

Friday:
Low Carb Chili Dog Bake
Ham and Cheese Roll Ups

Sunday:
Copycat Panera Broccoli and Cheddar Soup

Tuesday:
Portuguese Kale Soup (MIL’s recipe)

Optional Extra:
Sweet Potato Gnocchi with Bolognaise

Friday:
DINNER OUT TO CELEBRATE OR DROWN SORROWS

5DTDevelopment

Thank you

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Well we made it! All three of us are sitting on the couch watching tv. It was a good day. A very good day.

Woke up at 6 in good spirits. I even made breakfast before we headed out. It made us a little late for acupuncture but it wasn’t too bad. The drive from acupuncture to the clinic was long. Long enough for doubt to creep in. My good spirits we all but gone when we got there.

Got to the clinic 15 minutes early. The clinic was jam packed with 5 couples ahead of us. They were also running an hour late. I started stressing our more and getting irritated. Someone brought a toddler to the clinic and she was downstairs yelling for her mama forever. Then the couple next to us were chewing gum very loudly. Thank goodness the valium kicked in and I was less tense but still had a bad feeling about everything for some reason. Just generally not feeling confident.

Since it was an hour delay I ended up emptying my bladder three times. When I got back from the 2nd time the young lady next to me asked what time we were going in. They were 15 minutes after us. We chatted for a while. They were the loveliest couple and I felt bad for judging their loud gum chewing. She and another lady across the way had valium as well and the 3 of us had a very spirited, giggly conversation. The waiting room was abuzz with laughter as we complained about our hatred for Crinone and the fact that we all have to drive hours to get to the clinic. I wish I’d gotten their names because they really made me feel relaxed and in a much better place. She, in particular, was so funny. It was their 2nd transfer as well. I really hope everyone there had good transfers.

Eventually, when they called us back the Valium had worn off and my bladder was getting very uncomfortable. Then the next best thing happened. Our RE walked in. He actually did the transfer! As I was sitting on the table the embryologist walked in and the best best thing happened. I caught a quick glimpse at the picture and I saw 2 bubbles. RE asked if it was hatching and embryologist nodded. I couldn’t believe it!! Our little fighter hatched! It was turning out to be a great day.

Not even the speculum could dampen my spirits. Okay it did a little but everyone was so nice. N held me hand while I gritted my teeth through the pain. There was about 5 minutes where we just had to wait while the embryologist got ready. Luckily it wasn’t an awkward 5 minutes. Everyone was chatting about boats. I think they were explicitly trying to get me to calm down and it totally worked.

Transfer itself went smoothly. I didn’t have to lay still afterwards. I just emptied my bladder and we rolled out. I don’t think it could have gone any better. I’m so happy our little hatchling made it.

The groupon lunch didn’t pan out because the restaurant is closed on Tuesdays. Ugh. We then googled a mexican place, drove all the way there only to find an empty building. Thanks Google. Ended up finding a brunch hole in the wall and had pretty decent sandwiches.

Thankfully, I could squeeze into my next acupuncture appointment early. Nothing exciting to report there. And now we’re home relaxing to the max.

I must say that the best part of this cycle wasn’t the happy waiting room, nor my RE doing the transfer. Not even the hatching embryo.

The best part was including my family and friends and all of you in this. Last time going through this felt really lonely and this time I felt the love and the collective rooting for our little hatchling and it’s something I’ll always be grateful for. Even if this doesn’t work I’m so happy to have shared it with everyone. No one should go through any part of this journey alone.

Thank you for being there.

[edit: picture removed for anonymity]

 

Go Time Already?

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I’m a little shocked that it’s Go time tomorrow. I just got the call to be there at 10:15 for an 11:15 transfer. They’ll call by 8:30 tomorrow to confirm everything. I hope they don’t call me to go in earlier because it takes an hour and a bit to get there without traffic and my acupuncture appointment is at 8.

But I’m not going to stress about it. My second acupuncture appointment is at 3.30 which isn’t ideal but it’s the only time he could squeeze me in. I’ve bought a Groupon (I love my Groupons) for lunch at a burger place that we can go to before the 2nd acupuncture appointment. The only thing is that I’m going to take the Valium so I’m probably going to be napping in the car.

Again, not stressing about anything. We’re going to let everything happen as is it should. I do feel like the world’s butterflies have settled in my stomach though. It’s 5pm now and I feel like I want to go to bed already.

N is back from his trip and he brought me a very pretty pair of earrings which I intend to wear tomorrow but I don’t have an outfit planned like last time aside from a pair of egg socks of course.

Just wanted to give you all a quick update and I’ll update as soon as I get home tomorrow.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING!!

I’m trying to keep calm but really…

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