Category Archives: TTC drama

Makin’ babies…

Shots fired!

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We are well on our way here in IVF land. Did my first set of injections last night. As was stated in my next set of instructions after my suppression check came back with the all clear.

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It was quite a production. I wish I’d video taped it but I was too preoccupied. My husband had to take the reigns because I simply couldn’t. All in all it wasn’t a huge train smash. The needle going in is easy peasy. I couldn’t even feel it but the Menopur burns, people. It burns like hell. That’s going to take some getting used to. Afterwards, I felt a bit dizzy but I wasn’t sure if it was in my head or not. While I was laying on the couch it dawned on me that I really have no idea what I just injected into my system. So I did some Googling. Here’s what I have and what Google says it does.

Gonal F:

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I have to do 150 units of this every night from the beginning. The pen already has the medicine in it and has to be stored in the fridge. Very simply, this guy provides the follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) that helps stimulate healthy ovaries to produce eggs. It should be used with another hormone to help with growth of health eggs. I’m using it with Menopur. Gonal F and Follistim are the same thing, essentially. I inject this into my belly (subcutaneoulsy)

Menopur:

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This one has the follicle stimulating hormone and the luteinizing hormone (LH) also to help the ovaries make eggs. It’s also used in combination with another hormone medication. It burns going in. Be warned. I got 10 units. 20 vials. 1 has a powder (or what looks like a little urinal cake) and the other has a clear liquid. I have to dissolve some liquid into the powder which makes me feel like and evil scientist. It gets injected into the tummy too.

Ganirelix Acetate:

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These guys come in pre-filled syringes. I have 4 of them. It blocks the release of LH to delay ovulation and increases the chance of producing fertile eggs. From that I gather that I would start taking this towards the end of stimulation. Another one for the tummy. That’s going to be fun!

Leuprolide Acetate:

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Also known as Lupron. This is used to treat advanced prostate cancer in men… Wait, what? It is used to stop early puberty in children… Hang on… oh, here it is… It may also be used to treat disorders of the uterus. In females, leuprolide reduces the amount of estrogen that the body makes. It is used to decrease the amount of hormone you make for a short time and to prevent ovulation. Now, it looks like it can be used before starting stimulation meds to suppress the ovaries. However, I haven’t used it yet. Not quite sure how it’ll fit in. Watch this space.

And last but not least,

Chorionic Gonadotropin:

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Also known as hCG. Also known as the trigger shot. This is a shot that has to be taken in the butt (awesome) at a very specific time at the end of your stimulation when you’re at your most bloated and uncomfortable. It causes ovulation, I believe, within 36hrs of taking it. Hence the strict timing. It looks like the Menopur with the liquid and powder mix.

And there you have it. These are the meds I have. I’m still pretty clueless as to what I’m doing since this is my first time but I hope this helps if it’s your first time too. If you’re a vet and you’ve noticed some stark inconsistencies in my information, please let me know or give me some other info I can add on.

I hope all your cycles are progressing smoothly and have a great day. I’m at work and I’m pretty sure my lunch hour is over.

Happy Monday!

You better check yo’self…

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I reconnected with a really good friend today after a really long time. Being far away from home I tend to lose touch with some close friends for short periods of time. But I’m very blessed to be able to pick up where we left off with most of them.

This one was interesting and made me reflect again on where we are and put things in perspective, which I think I needed. Most times I approach people who aren’t infertile as though they have no problems in life. As if I’m the one who has to be accommodating and understanding when they don’t know anything about infertility. I have to explain all the steps and be gracious in doing so.

Today was a bit of an eye opener. First she asked me if it was okay if she asked if we were still trying. I hadn’t been asked in this way ever and I missed her instantly because I remember how compassionate she’s always been. I went on to explain where we were and she said said she’s holding thumbs for us.

Then she told me that her brother and his wife have to do in-vitro as well. It turns out her sister-in-law had cancer and had banked her eggs. She’s been okay for the past 3 years and from what I gather they’ll be doing ivf soon.

This definitely brought me back down to earth. Yes, our situation is dire but we only have to deal with one shitty bag of lemons. Imagine battling cancer then when you’re a survivor having to battle infertility too.

My heart goes out to my friend’s brother and his wife. I hope they’re successful and only have to do it once. I really need to count every single one of my blessings and I can’t go around assuming I’m the only one in a group who’s the worst off. I feel like sometimes when people complain about their problems I just think “really? well, I can’t have kids naturally” and that’s not cool. It’s almost like a twisted kind of elitist behaviour and it doesn’t sit well with me.

Everyone has problems. In their world their problems are real and shouldn’t be discounted. I’ve always thought of myself as someone who always puts others’ feelings before mine but I think there’s been a bit of a disconnect between thought and deed lately. Hmm, the universe has brought me back to earth once again. Thank you kindly, sir.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of not drinking to do for the rest of the night.

G’bye Beer… For a bit…

Posted in Alcohol, TTC drama by

I don’t have an official calendar from the clinic. Just some scribbles on a post-it. All my IVF information is mostly only post-it’s. I do transfer all the information to my calendar at home and my little diary in my bag. Just so it’s a bit more official looking. Here’s my latest post-it:

20141016_143304Basically, I have to be on the pill for 12 days (whoop!) then my suppression check (where they check to see if my ovaries and uterus are quiet and ready for stimulation) is on the 23rd. Before then I have to have a  pre-op physical to check my heart and lungs. Which I did, but what a story. Apparently I have to pay for a physical out of pocket unless I got my primary care physician… which I don’t have… because my insurance plan said it’s not necessary. Well, I guess it’s more necessary than I thought. I’ll get one soon. But I had to pay $150 to have it done at the walk-in. That dr is an absolute trip. An old lady who judges you behind the closed door then walks in all smiles. I can only laugh. She had some words with the nurse about why I didn’t have a PCP then walked in and acted as if the walls weren’t made of rice paper. Oh well. At least I’m physically fit.

credit: Madagascar

credit: Madagascar

I also had to call my insurance pharmacy place to get my meds delivered. They’ll be arriving next Wednesday on the 22nd and if my suppression is good then I can start injecting myself. Maybe that’s when it’ll start to feel real.

So, I know I should have been preparing my body for this a while ago. Luckily I don’t smoke or drink coffee. And I try to limit carbs as much as I can. It’s easier than it sounds until pizza Friday rolls around :). But I did make a promise to myself to quit drinking. This has been the most difficult thing to do so far. Yes it’s only been 6 days and I hardly ever drink during the week anyway but just the thought of not being able to makes me sad. And just our luck we have at least one party every weekend for the rest of this month. But I’m hoping to go alcohol free until after the retrieval. I probably sound like I have a drinking problem. I don’t care! This is who I am. The only motivation is the thought that every beer I say ‘no’ to means 1 healthy eggy. Obviously, not at all fact based but it helps.

Come on next Wednesdayyy!! Why is this week draaaggiiiing!

Finally…

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I’m just going to gloss over the fact that I haven’t blogged in over a month. I guess I had nothing of import to say. Until now… and even now I feel like it’s not really important but here goes.

CD1 has finally arrived phew… Okay lots has happened in between so I’ll do a quick blow by blow.

We had our second follow up where we signed all the consent forms and got the final tally on what this mess is going to cost. We’re very fortunate to have my insurance (hubby is starting his own business so we’re on my insurance for now) cover 80% of ivf with a 2 cycle lifetime limit. So in my mind we have 2 go’s which I’m okay with. The final cost came out to $1760 excluding the medication copay (covered at 100%) but including the biopsy for the PGD and the ICSI. That is not bad at all. I’ll pay that every day. The only other big cost now is paying for the PGD clinic to get the biopsied cells and to test them. That is also covered with a 20% coinsurance but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

The next step was to get a phone consultation with the PGD clinic in Chicago. I’ve just sorted this out now. The appointment is on the 28th which is cutting it a bit fine because I will be a few days away from retrieval at this point and we need to do a few things with them before it’s approved. *nerves*

A few days after we finalized everything my clinic called me to tell me that my insurance counts an egg retrieval and a fresh transfer as a cycle. A frozen transfer is counted as a separate cycle. This means that I will have used up my lifetime limit of 2 cycles in one PGD cycle… *queue many many tears*… During this time two of my bestest friends from home announced their pregnancies…

It took me a few days to recover from the shock but I discovered Wachusett Blueberry Ale in this time as well. She helped me a lot :). Thank you, WBA!

Anyway, so I called my insurance to say “What the hell dude, this is how you repay me after 2yrs of loyal service?” then the nice lady was like “Whoa bro, you qualify for eSET.”

eSET: Basically, if you transfer 1 embryo in your first cycle and it doesn’t take, they give you a 2nd frozen embryo transfer for freeeeee!! Obviously, you have to have frosties to use from the first cycle and you have to transfer 1 on the free cycle as well.

The choice is ultimately up to us and our RE but it’s nice to know we have options. And also nice to know that a frozen embryo transfer without insurance is about $2500 sans meds and that price isn’t as awful as a fresh cycle. So we’ll let positivity reign as always. If it doesn’t work, I’ll have my WBA.

So, now I’m here. Finally. Cramping and happy. Waiting to start taking birth control pills for the first time in about 4yrs. And now that I’m relatively in the game now I’ll see if I can blog at least once a week. I mean really. I paid the $18 to get the .wordpress out of my blog name. I gotta use it right? riiiight…

PS. Sending baby dust to each and every one of you out there who’s struggling with infertility. xxx

A Momentary Lapse of Composure

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I’m annoyed right now. I think writing is cathartic and I’m hoping that the following run-on sentences will help me process my emotions. So we went to our follow up appointment today and I probably got the wrong impression because I thought I would get my plan of action today and actually I was hoping I would have something tangible to grab onto so that I know that this actually happening. I hate being in this pre-ivf limbo. It’s infuriating.

Please excuse the bad grammar, spelling, swear words… Here goes:

so…

I honestly in my heart of hearts thought we’d go there and sign all the paperwork and pay them the fucking 2grand we owe them and get this shit going.

we drove 1.5hrs and the GD doctor got there HALF AND HOUR late and then all he did was tell us the results of our tests WHICH WE KNEW!!!! so we walk in there and he’s like oh these are your test results. yes mofo, you call us with all the test results as they you get them. I know this shit. where do I sign?

so he’s like okay you have 2 choices, donor sperm or ivf with icsi and pgd. yes asshole we told you we don’t want to do donor sperm. we’re doing the latter. where do I sign?

no no.. we’re going to set up another appointment with me for an hour so we can go through the paperwork…

uh this paperwork… that’s in front of us now?
yes…
*blink* …
and you have to meet with our pgd nurse to discuss your pgd plan….
uhh the plan that we discussed with the genetics counsellor that you referred us to who sent you the plan that you have in front of you right now…???

yes that plan but it’s with OUR nurse….

*blink*

oh and we can’t seem to find a day when I’m in the office and the nurse is in the office. hahaha it may be a few weeks til we see each other again to discuss things that you already know and possibly not sign anything cos we like to make you spend money for office visits.

okay doc, sounds good. we’ll let ourselves out. eat a dick.

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*breathe*
Okay… okay…
I’m more annoyed at myself for not questioning him more. I don’t know why I get angry about this stuff after the fact. He could see I was annoyed and said that I wouldn’t be able to start this month anyway because I have to wait for my period next month. so it’s a mixture of me having unrealistic expectations and my body only being ready once a month. fuck nature.
apologies for the quality of that gif. it's how I feel now lol

apologies for the quality of that gif. it’s how I feel now

*breathe again*
I need to regroup. This journey isn’t something you can plan it seems and if I’m this upset about the first not-even-real bump in the road then I have some big surprises in store. I actually have some other big things going on in my life right now. Two of which are 2 trips home to SA for 3 weddings. 1 at the end of November and then again next year July for another 2, one of which is my brother’s wedding which I canNOT miss. So I don’t really know why I was so hard up to start this month anyway, I would have to miss my brother’s wedding if I happened to get pregnant this year.
Okay, I’m okay now. That was just momentary lapse of composure… The fact of the matter is that aside from staying healthy and on top of things that are in my control, the rest is really up to the fertility gods. So whatever man. I’m not going to worry about it anymore… I’m going to try :).
In other news… I turned 33 on the 21st. I didn’t have a for real party because I think those days are over. But I play kickball in a co-ed league with some friends from work and afterwards we usually go for a drink which is really one of the best parts of the week for me. We just happened to play on my birthday so I just made everyone come out drinking with me afterwards and I made hubby and some other friends go too. I had the best time. The parts I remember anyway. For some reason my birthday makes me emotional when I see all the love I receive on the day. I love love love my birthday and this one was up there with the best. I feel like after 4 years of being in a foreign country I’ve solidified a fantastic group of friends whom I treasure and wouldn’t change for the world and the fact that they all came out to celebrate with me confirms that the friendship isn’t one sided (lol) and that really is the best part of every birthday. Knowing that I am loved and I have people I can call my friends… Yes, yes, my insecurity is showing :). Here’s a tiny collage from the night. The watermelon was a gift. One of the players is a farmhand. I love it.
[edit: picture removed for anonymity]
Thanks for letting me vent. Happy Wednesday and baby dust to all my ttc sisters! You’re all at varying points in your journey and I’m following you all closely and sending out positive vibes and well wishes and I’ll pray if you need me to pray.

Miss Antsy Pants

Posted in Bringing Sexy Back, TTC drama by

Haven’t written in a while. Mostly because a whole lot of nothing has been going on. We did have our Genetics Counsellor appointment last Tuesday. Nothing overly exciting to report. They basically just explained the chromosome stuff to us. I can’t remember if I said what was going on. But in a nutshell, hubby is a carrier for CF (cystic fibrosis) and also has a balanced reciprocal translocation between chromosomes 16 and 18. That means that a piece of a chromosome swapped places with another piece of a chromosome. There’s nothing wrong with him but this type of translocation can cause miscarriages. The appointment was informative, at least, and they gave us some pamphlets and told us that they’d send a full report back to our RE’s office and we’ll go from there. So it looks like we’ll be adding another set of letters our baby journey. We’re now doing IVF with ICSI with PGD… The PGD stands for pre-implantation genetic diagnosis. Which basically just means after they inject one of his sperm into my egg they wait a few days for it to fertilize and stuff then remove a cell from the embryo and test it for any issues and then only implant the ones that will potentially survive. I think it’s simply amazing that they can do these kinds of things. The whole process blows my mind.

So yeah… now we wait… again. The bane of my existence is waiting for something I really want. I can’t stand it. I know that it’s something I have to work on but it’s so hard. But alas, there’s nothing I can do except wait. So I have to keep the tantrum throwing 3 year old in my head occupied somehow.

So, I started knitting but I’m not very good just yet. I tried to make a potholder (on the left) but got bored half way and now it’s a potholder for someone really really small… Or just another toy for the kitties. The thing on the left is my first attempt at a cable stitch. Don’t worry, the projects will get better. The yarn, however, may not. I bought 2 balls of the red so whatever I make is going to be red. hehe.

6-20-2014 3-48-45 PMWhat else can I do to keep myself occupied? I’m in a book club that is taking up my downtime which I love. It’s an online book club since all my girls are scattered all over the world. But I love it!! Maybe I should do book reviews on here too, to pass the time.

And finally I’m trying another 21 day cleanse but I’m going to take it day by day. That way if I fail I won’t hate myself too much. But I’ve been eating horribly recently and my irritable bowel found me at work one morning and complained. It really complained. It complained so much it created a bit of a scene in the toilet at my office. I was crouched down in the stall and I had to call my bestie (Shout out to you, S! I know you’re reading lol) to come and help me, who then called our manager. It was a huge production. I was in so much agony and I swear I didn’t know what was going on. I thought maybe it was the HSG messing with my uterus. My hero, S, had to drive me to the walk-in down the road. There were x-rays and urine tests and even an internal exam. I was completely mortified when she showed me my x-ray and told me to stop being a baby and get some gas-x. I don’t know how I showed my face at the office the next day having to explain how a few stuck farts knocked me off my feet.

That was what I call rock-bottom. Something in my diet has to change. I don’t know how but I have to get my act together, man. The other day I noticed the inner thighs of my favourite jeans had worn through from all the constant rubbing together… What have I become?!

I don’t know how I’m going to do this though. I hope taking it one day at a time will work and I’m hoping it’ll take my mind off IVF for a while until we have enough money in the bank. Good luck to me… and anyone else in IVF limbo… or any other limbo for that matter.

A Message from Mum

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I am not religious… at all… I was raised in a churchgoing family but as soon as I got confirmed I took that to mean that I didn’t have to go to church anymore. The only times I would go would be Christmas and Easter because my mother insisted. Bless my mom for trying to get Jesus into our hearts. I don’t want to get into my relationship with God or Christianity as a whole simply because I don’t know where I stand at the moment. I have strong feelings on both sides and I just try to balance it out by being a good person as far as I can.

I am extremely blessed to have a Christian mother who cares about me and my desire to have child. I’ve read in some blogs I follow about some mothers not being in their daughters’ corner fully when it comes to this journey to a baby. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it even though I’m sure every mother has a reason for saying/doing what they do. My mother never gives up on trying to get us (my brothers and I and our significant others) to go to church or pray . I know she prays for us everyday and I really don’t appreciate her for that enough. I wish she was closer so I could hug her more. Which brings me to my point.

Last week my mother IM’d me and asked me to watch a sermon on TBN. “Just do it for me.” she said. “You gloss over the bible parts but listen to the message”.

I was skeptical, as usual, because it was an hour and a half long sermon but I had the time and nothing to lose and everyone could do with a message of hope at some point during their lives, right?

I haven’t thanked her yet but we’ll talk tomorrow and I’ll talk to her about it. The message in this sermon is just what I needed. Certain points he made spoke to certain doubts I was having and even though I’m not 100% into the bible side of it. The message was not lost on me and I feel more calm about why I am where I am today. Childless with no rhyme or reason as to why. That’s why I think my mom is special. She knows when to reach out. Sometimes she’s wayyy off point and we get a good laugh out of it. But sometimes she hits the nail on the head.

I’ve put a link below to the 2nd part of the sermon (3 parts, each 30min long) in which he particularly talks about infertility. You can start watching at about 5:00min. Parts 1 and 3 are on the website if you want to watch the rest of it. Part 3 also has some good points in it. His main focus was Abraham and Sarah not being able to conceive and what the point of that was. Joseph’s accent is a bit hard to follow sometimes (at some point he says wombs but it sounds like wounds) but I got the message. I’ve watched/listened to this 3 times now and he got me to choke up a few times.

If you’re feeling a bit lost or down in your journey and you have a couple of minutes to spare, even if you’re not religious or anything, here’s a short little video that may help you feel a little better about your situation. Don’t give up hope, my friends.

“Your child will be… Your child will be… And when that child comes… Wow, what a champion”

Why Does God Allow Delay Part 2 of 3 – Joseph Prince

Thanks mum!

This one goes out to my uterus

Posted in TTC drama by

*Sorry for the long post*

I had my HSG (hysterosalpingogram) yesterday. That’s the one where they unceremoniously stick a catheter up your stuff and inject a dye into your uterus and your tubes to see if you have any blockages or anything. For the days leading up to my appointment I had slowly but surely turned myself into a crazy person thinking about all the possible negative outcomes, the worst of which being that the dye wouldn’t make it past my cervix.

I’d had a cystectomy in 2010 to remove 3 cysts on my ovaries (2 on the left and 1 on the right) and back then I wasn’t worried about the surgery having adverse affects on my uterus, so when the Dr mentioned that we’d do the HSG to make sure that surgery hadn’t somehow fused my tubes together, it was a very nonchalant statement that I forgot about. But slowly it grew in the back of my mind until the night before the appointment I was laying in bed unable to sleep convinced that I would have to ask my sister-in-law to be a surrogate for me because my uterus and both tubes are now fused together and my life is doomed. I have a penchant for dramatics sometimes.

Needless to say I was wreck on the day. It didn’t help that we got there a minute late because everyone on the way there thought it would be a good idea to get into some sort of car accident. I know it was a minute because on the sign-in sheet the lady wrote “appointment at 9am, patient arrived at 9:01″… Really? That was necessary? Because, now I’m thinking they’re going to yell at me for coming late and possibly cancelling the appointment then who’s going to carry my child for me now that my tubes are fused and no one will open them for me… Dramatics…

The procedure itself could’ve been worse. I am a complete woos and even though I was high on serious muscle relaxers I was still clawing the nurse’s hand and gritting my teeth while trying to follow the doctor’s breathing instructions. Let me see if I can explain what I was going through really quickly.

I was told to lay flat on my back and they stuck a pillow or something under my butt so I’d be at an incline. Then he stuck the speculum in and cranked it open. I felt like a car being jacked up for a tyre change. Fun times. Then he washed out my cervix and/or uterus with iodine. That was the worst part I think, because I felt sharp pricks for some reason. I just remember trying to concentrate on letting my legs drop open when everything in my being just wanted to clench up and kick Dr Breathe-In-Hold-It-And-Breathe-Out in the face and gtf outta there. But I persevered. Enter the radiologist, turning this into the most awkward party of 4. They all made the big mistake of making the dye injecting a big deal. They kept saying, “Okay it’s dye time are you ready? Do you think you can handle this sh*t? It’s really going to hurt!” Okay, that may have been my inner monologue but that’s what it felt like.

The dye injection part was mostly just a lot, a lot of pressure and cramping. I honestly think the iodine cleaning was more painful. I had the Mirena put in a few years ago. Having that devil toy inserted was waaay worse than this. This was mostly just uncomfortable and my nerves definitely got the better of me and made it awful. When the whole thing was over it was like nothing had ever happened.

At least I got to watch the whole process amidst my writhing in agony. I saw flashes of the screen in between times when I blacked out. I saw a black triangle and then two black long squiggles at the bottom corners of the triangle. Almost like a triangle shaped mermaid’s purse. Turns out the black squiggles were my tubes filled up with dye and then the dye pouring out of my tubes. So everything was all clear. The doctor even said that one’s chances of pregnancy increase after an HSG which would’ve made me really excited if we weren’t dealing with MFI.

So all-in-all, it wasn’t the worst thing to happen to me. I was even a little embarrassed at my behaviour. The staff were consummate professionals and I’m very grateful they waited until after I’d left the room before laughing at my over-reacting.

So what’s next? I guess I have to call them for a follow up appointment to get hubby’s results and figure out our next steps. This was, personally, a big hurdle for me. My next hurdle is going to be having to inject myself in the tummy. But until then, Thank you uterus and fallopian tubes for playing along so far. I love you guys!!

GiantUterusPillow

I love you, uterus…

More needles…

Posted in Bringing Sexy Back, Food, TTC drama by

I’m really happy about how quickly the blood test results got back to me. Not so happy about the actual results. Turns out my prolactin and tsh levels were a problem and they wanted me to go back this morning to get more blood. *sob*

I think this is the universe prepping me for what’s to come. I know I have to “man up” because this is only the tip of the iceberg but it hurts *whiiiine*.

In other news… If anyone’s keeping score, I’m officially out of the 21 day challenge at the office. I had a clam cake… and I regret nothing. Here’s my name on the white board of shame.

[edit: picture removed for anonymity]

Aaaand… I stopped doing Insanity for a while too. I’ve been suffering from some crazy headaches over the past few weeks. They’ve since gotten way better but doing hardcore workouts was not helping at all. I’ll pick it up again soon. Either that or I’ll just revert back to my old couch potato ways. Only time will tell.

A quick update…

Posted in Bringing Sexy Back, TTC drama by

K, so I’m on week 3 of insanity. I actually made it through 3 weeks of something. And don’t be fooled, it’s not because I’m enjoying it. The only part I enjoy is maybe 15 minutes in I feel like I’m accomplishing something. That feeling promptly disappears after the workout is over, however, and I have yet to feel the euphoria of a workout well done.

So why am I pushing through? I don’t know guys… I don’t know. But what I do love about these videos is that the people in the background are real. They fall out when I fall out and I know they’re crying when I’m crying. I really hate sweating and crying through a workout while the people in the video are smiling and barely sweating. It does not inspire confidence. Yes, I’m talking to you, girls from Jillian Michaels’ 30 day shred!… There’s one lad from insanity, in particular, whom I just adore. My boy, Frankie. His face is so funny when he’s in pain, I love it. It’s so real. Feels like I’m looking in a mirror. There’s one shot of him with his face screwed up in pain and when he realizes the camera on him he tries in vain to pull it together. I love it. I’ll do insanity all day just to see those faces… I’m doing it for you Frankie!!! PS If anyone’s keeping score I’ve only dropped 2lbs and 1inch in my waist. That’ll do for now, I guess.

Hmmm. What else is going on in my life?

We’re doing a 21 day challenge at work. About 10 of us are all giving up something for 21 days, in an effort to be more healthy. I have chosen to give up refined carbs. This includes beer. My favourite thing in the whole world. We’re on day 12 now and I’m still hurting. I don’t want to go into the details of the withdrawal but know this… it hurts… I.am.sad. I don’t want to talk about it.

And now for my last bit of news. I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not to post about this. Mostly because I don’t want this to be the focus of my blog, but it is going to be my reality now so I guess it’s time. So after quite a bit of back and forth and a bit of denial, Mr and I are going to be starting some sort of fertility treatments. We have an appointment at the fertility clinic on Monday which I’m excited about.  I really don’t know what to expect at all besides the fifteen thousand possible outcomes, so I have no opinions or strong feelings at this stage. So I’ve just been OD’ing on all the fertility information I can. I’ve followed possibly 90% of all the ladies on Instagram who are going through a similar journey and I’ve been reading most of the fertility blogs too. I’m a more than a little obsessed but it’s  how I get when I’m passionate about something.

So yeah, that’s it for me for now. I guess I’ll update you on Monday. Right now I have to go not drink a beer on July 4th. FML!