Category Archives: TTC drama

Makin’ babies…

Coconut Twist

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So much for blogging every day, huh? So much to working on my time management too, huh?  *shaking my head*

We had a pretty busy weekend and a fun one for once. Fun because it involved zero working on the house. Well, I shouldn’t complain, the shitty part of the reno is over. The shitty part being the incessant mudding and sanding. It never seemed to end. The best part of the weekend was when I had to work for 4 hours on Saturday while hub did the final mud and sand while I was away. Hooray!

I picked a paint colour as well. We’re going with something called coconut twist. Which is actually just white-ish but not as white as the white the ceiling will be. That’s the extent of my colour selecting prowess. I’ve never seen that many shades of white in my life. I really hope I chose the right one.

Saturday evening we had dinner with our friends. It was the first time any of us had been out in a while so we really took advantage of the situation. We ordered way too much sushi, had 2 cocktails a piece that were difficult to handle and we ended up staying until the restaurant closed like any group of married folks would do.

And just like any other couple of married folks we were promptly in bed by midnight. I really had a blast though. We hadn’t seen them in a while and I think I needed human interaction after being cooped up in the house for that long.

Hmm, I realize now that this post doesn’t have any point. I guess just an update on my rip roaring social life. It’s back to the hermit hole now until the dreaded room is complete.

So with that I’ll leave you with this clip from a Chris Rock show. The first 2ish minutes reminded me of how our double date went. I lol’d.

In IVF news… I’m on day 4 of bcp’s and they are kicking my ass. It’s never been this bad before. So dizzy. So sleepy.

1 1 1

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Well here we go. Cycle day 1 has arrived. And today also happens to be 1 year, 1 month and 1 day since my last cycle day one.

I started this post at work earlier and I was trying to gauge my feelings about this cycle. At the time I was deep in the throws of violent cramping, as I’d forgotten my pain killers at home, and I was not feeling excited at all. My exact words were that this cycle feels like I am getting back with an ex.

I still feel like that more than I am excited at this point. I feel like I’m waiting for something to fuck up so that I can admonish myself for getting my hopes up.

Things are going to be different this cycle however so it’s not like I’m getting back with the same old ex who “did me wrong”. I’ll be getting back with an ex who has shown proof that he’s changed, so there’s reason to hope that things will turn out differently this time.

For one, we’re doubling my dose of meds so that, in the words of my RE, we’re not playing catch up. I’m not doing acupuncture this time. I know it comes highly recommended but It’s a bit expensive and it didn’t work last time. I’ve opted instead for Zita West’s IVF relaxation and meditation cd that I got from a friend and yoga. And finally, N and I are all loaded up on 3+ months of fertility friendly vitamins.

None of this is a guarantee of anything but I feel a little more prepared I think. And I’m a little relieved that my nerves from before are replaced with this feeling of indifference. It’s helping me not crumble into a million pieces.

I spoke to the nurse today and I’m to do the blood pregnancy test on Thursday and start birth control pills the same day if the test comes back negative (rolls eyes). My baseline ultrasound is on the 25th and I’ll stop birth control on the same day. Then I’ll wait for instructions on when to start injections. Oh, the meds should be delivered on Friday.

Maybe when I see the meds I’ll get excited. Why am I not excited? Hmmm.

In the meantime, cheers to 1 1 1!! On to the next one!

The Thief of Time

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It has been a nutso month and a bit. It all started a rainy day in October. We were on our way to CT for a birthday present I’d bought N. He was going to drive a Lamborghini around a track for an hour. Unfortunately, the place called right before we were headed out to tell us that some doohickey snapped in the car so he wouldn’t be able to drive that day. Boo! So we did the next best thing.. We decided to re-do the dining room.

And that’s really been taking up my entire life. It’s almost done, we’ll be painting next weekend then trim then we’re done! YAY!

One thing that this past month and a bit has taught me is that I am terrible at time management. Simply terrible… And I used to be so good. I find myself walking into the house then finding myself in bed with nothing accomplished and it’s frustrating. I’m frustrated with the never-ending pile of laundry. I hate seeing 125+ unread blog posts in my inbox. I can’t stand behind weeks behind on my book club book. I’m annoyed that we ended up just watching the finale of SYTYCD because we didn’t have time to watch the entire show. I get home 3 hours earlier than I used to at my old job. How do I have less time to do everything?

I obviously only have myself to blame of course. Myself and 5 seasons of Shameless. I do not want to accept all the blame. I blame Frank. Damn you Frank!

I saw some of you are doing the blog everyday in November thing and I want to try it too. I have lots to blog about (for once) and this is our cycle month (if AF ever shows her face and this incessant spotting gives way to actual bleeding).

I’m just doing a rant about myself. I have to figure out my life. I hate to admit it but I think I need a timetable. It might even be better if I gave myself the adult version of gold stars if I manage to finish a task for the day. Wash dishes? Boom! Glass of wine with dinner. Write a blog post? Bam! Another glass of wine. Run a mile or two? Whaaat?! You’re a champ, celebrate with some wine!

Sadly, we’re in a cycle so I’ve quit alcohol for the time being but you get the point. Anyway, I just wanted to break the silence since I’m finally caught up on all blogs. Tomorrow I’ll tackle 103 youtube videos.

I’m keeping all of you in my thoughts and I’m very happy about all the BFP’s,  it’s heartwarming when one of us wins. And sending all my love to my sisters in the struggle.

Until tomorrow…xx

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Mini Road Trip Reflections

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I just got back from an epic 2 hour trek to my clinic to draw one vial of blood for karyotype testing they thought would be a good idea.

I want to say I don’t mind that drive because I usually don’t but I think it was because it’s Saturday and it was early I was just getting increasingly gloomy the further I drove. It was a tough morning. I kept thinking of all my friends without fertility issues who never have to take this drive. I thought of how happy everyone must be to wake up to baby snuggles and not 1 inch needles going into their arms. I thought of the oldest man in the world driving 30 in the fast lane in front of me and simply would not move over. Why old man? Why?

To add insult to injure, yesterday I called the insurance and I guess I won’t be reimbursed for the PGD testing. I’ve made my peace with it. I mean at least we won’t be shelling out $7000 like last time. I’ll pay out of pocket for PGD every day if I have to.

I took a look at my calendar and realized that my next cycle will fall extremely close in time to my last cycle. A year. A full year between cycles has passed. Wow. I remember when our cycle failed I went through moments where I thought I wouldn’t even bother trying again. I’m trying to reflect on those and I remember being absolutely hopeless. And here I sit, a year on, hopeful again. I guess time really does heal.

Sure this morning I was grumpy and sad about our situation and the stupid HMO crap but that drive is entirely too long to garner any join from anyway.

I feel like infertility is testing me every step of the way. It sees I’m happy and ready to start round two and it’s like “Oh no she didn’t!”.. I’m not going to let it win!! I’m nervous but I’m excited by golly!! I’m ready!

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HMO my goodness!

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Goals goals goals!!

Now that we’ve started this very huge slow moving ball rolling, I’ve had to make a litany of phone calls to get all my shit together for our next cycle. It was a bit of a roller coaster but I’ve made my peace with it and I’m ready to set up goals and get my body and mind ready for round 2.

First, I had to call the PGD clinic again to make sure everything was all set there. We had a really good talk and she said that they do accept my insurance and that I wouldn’t have to pay anything, they would bill my insurance. I was over the moon!!! Then when I got the email from her it said that they don’t accept HMO policies… which, of course, is what I have. I think at that point I figured out what the saying “taking the wind out of my sails” meant. That’s exactly what it felt like. But I took the day and dusted myself off. Called my clinic and had them switch me to another PGD lab. This one charges $2400 for 8 embryos and $250 for every embryo above that and then $350 for the courier fee. And the good news is that I can self submit a claim to my insurance and they’ll likely refund everything except the courier fee.

Then today my nurse told me that I had filled out some of the consent forms incorrectly and that my PCP sent over the wrong physical exam report. Fixed the consent form issue lickatty split but now I have to make more calls to the PCP to get them to send the correct forms.

And finally, my nurse requested that I do a karyotyping blood test. Not sure if I’m spelling that correctly. Anyway, luckily they can do that on Saturday so I’ll do that then.

So I feel like we’ve accomplished a bit this week and now I can set up some goals for the next cycle. I’m still really sad that the PGD lab takes PPO policies but not HMO and there was a PPO policy available but I didn’t take it because I didn’t understand the difference until now. Apparently PPO is more flexible but generally more expensive and I actually read somewhere that “If you prefer to have your care coordinated through a single doctor, an HMO plan might be right for you. If you want greater flexibility or if you see a lot of specialists, a PPO plan might be what you’re looking for.” Why didn’t I read this when I was signing up? ARrrggh!!! I was really sad yesterday, even writing it now is making me sad again and I need to look ahead so we won’t dwell on it too much.

I suspect it will take me about 2 months to save up the money so I’m going into super save mode again. I’ve done it before with our last cycle so I’m not too worried about it. I’ll also be out of probation at work I think I’ll be ready to talk to my boss about coming in late on monitoring days. Yes, it’ll take about 2 months to work up the nerve.

Here are my goals:

  1. Save up the necessary money.
  2. Successfully follow the ketogenic diet plan I’ve been trying to follow
  3. Try Insanity workouts again (ugh, do I have to… okay that’s not the right attitude.. gotta hustle!!)
  4. Plan at least 6 fun cheap things to do on weekends so I can keep my mind occupied. That’s about 1 thing every two weeks until we can start. Luckily we have things lined up for the next 3 weekends so that’s cool.

I think that ought to do it for now. 2 months isn’t far away. I think I can do it if nothing expensive comes up haha. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some subscription boxes I have to cancel *sigh*.

Yay for Friday tomorrow!!

I Survived

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First things first, It hurt! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I don’t do pain. I’m the one who takes pain killers as soon as she sees her period starts. That way I don’t have to deal with the pain when it comes. They told me to take 600mg of Ibuprofen, I took 800 and it was still unbearable. That being said, if you’re waiting to do a hysteroscopy, this is not the post to read. I am an outlier.

I arrived at the clinic and hour early of course and we got going almost right on time. Me, Dr G, new nurse and veteran nurse showing her the ropes. They were doing less nursing and more standing in the corner judging my loser behaviour. I did ask the doctor why we were just looking today and not going in there with a pair of scissors and lopping off whatever didn’t belong. He said that he’s not sure that there’s anything there in the first place and if it’s a fibroid they wouldn’t be able to “lop” it off anyway. The other procedure is like a surgery and it might not be necessary here. I guess he was right, so I let him continue.

The speculum didn’t hurt more than it normally does, the iodine (I think that’s what it was) was uncomfy. The camera going in was painless and then came the saline solution. Cue cramps and swearing. It just felt like really bad period cramps. But more sharp. Localized in my ass for some reason. Anyway, over the internal screams in my head, I kept hearing the doctor say “picture” … “you’re doing great, just 10 more seconds”… “picture” (10 seconds later) “just 8 more seconds” (what?!!) “you’re doing great”… “picture”… “picture”…”aand we’re done”. And that was it.

The pain went away immediately after he took everything out. There was a gush of saline solution. Awesome. And then he took his sweet time to tell me that he saw nothing. I was so relieved because there was a 10 second pause where he looked a bit worried. But there you have it. He said can start the next cycle with my next period. Woohoo!!

No not yet… there’s still the matter of payment. So it looks like we have to pay for PGD testing up front. It does get fully reimbursed which is great. So I really can’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but we don’t have 5K lying around so we have to make a plan for that. Hopefully we can find a quick solution. But that also brings me to my next issue.

So, luckily my clinic opens at 6:30 for monitoring appointments and Monday I had to do a blood preggo test but work starts at 7 and I rolled in at 7:20. I’m not happy about that. My boss is cool about coming in late. He said coming in around 7:15 is fine but I really wasn’t happy and it doesn’t sit well with me that I’ll have to do this almost every day for 2 weeks without a good reason (I know this is best reason but it’s too soon to share this with him). Especially since it’s a new job and I’m still on probation.

I’m eager to start my next cycle. I’m so ready. I’m so very ready, but I also want to make a good impression because I really love this job. Where do I find a balance? I feel like I should sit out the next cycle and try for November (if we get the funds). I’ll be out of probation by then and I’ll find out if my boss even wants me to stay. And also, We may have to save up for a long time too so this could all be a moot point.

Sorry this was a long rambling post. I apologize for being all over the place. Thank you for keeping me in my thoughts and sending well wishes. They all seem to have worked.

There Must Be Something In The Water

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On Friday afternoon we spent the day at the bank attempting to adult. While we were there we had to see a notary for paperwork for the IVF clinic. There was a quiet in the room while we were signing. The familiar quiet that happens when someone wants to say something but doesn’t know how to begin. Neither of us looked up from our papers but I could feel the notary staring at us waiting for her gap.

“You guys doing In-vitro?” she asked. “No no, we’re filling this paperwork out for another couple, after you’ve just told us that it’s illegal to do so”.

Of course I didn’t say that, though. When she was looking over the papers part of me already knew that she either did IVF herself or knew someone who did. Call it infertili-sense. Turns out her sister has a 5 year old through IVF. It was twins but, sadly, one of them didn’t make it.

Now I’m not sure if it’s like when you’re in the market for a new car you suddenly see that car everywhere but it really seems like everyone I know is struggling to have a kid. So many people I know personally. It’s a little scary to me actually.

Granted I’m still seeing FB pregnancy announcements every other week but I wonder, if infertility wasn’t such an ugly step child, would there be an equal number of “Surprise, we’re infertile!” announcements. It sure feels like there would be.

I don’t think there was any point to this post but it was just something I noticed since we started this journey and I’m sure most of you will agree, there must be something in the water.

Vitamins and Supplements for Him

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As you know, we’re dealing with MFI and I feel like we may not be able to do much to get his count up we can at least do what we can to improve the quality. Again, I’ll just put out there that you shouldn’t take any of these without talking to your doctor first. Let’s begin shall we?

L-Arginine

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This stuff is supposed to be the bee’s knees. It’s attributed to help with sperm formation, maturation, count and motility. Right now he’s on 1000mg a day but I think we should be upping this.

L-Carnitine

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This is an antioxidant that protects against sperm damage and helps with motility. My only worry with this is that it’s said that motility drops sharply if you stop taking l-carnitine.

Ubiquinol

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This is another big dog. Helps with motility, morphology and sperm density. Yeah more of that! He’s taking 200mg

Vitamin D

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Helps with sperm cell development and maintains semen quality and it boosts testosterone. I have him on 2,000iu per day.

Vitamin E

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Said to be beneficial during ICSI for IVF. Uh, yes please.

Vitamin C

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Antioxidants yo!! This stops free radicals from destroying sperm.

Vitamin B12

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This is said to be good for DNA maturatioin and duplication and general sperm health. He’s on 100mg a day.

Calcium, Magnesium and Zinc

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Everywhere I look I see how important zinc is for fertility. I’ve also read that too much is bad. So I’ve got him on 25mg a day with this supplement. Calcium helps the sperm penetrate the egg and gives the sperm its energy. Magnesium helps you absorb calcium if I’m not mistaken so best to take them together.

Folate

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This one helps reduce sperm abnormalities. Read my previous post on why I’m choosing folate over folic acid. 400mcg a day.

Fish Oil

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This helps with general sperm quality. He’s taking 2,400mg as well.

I think that’s it for him. I’ve read that selenium is good for male and female infertility but I read that it’s toxic if you have too much and that enough of it can be found in brazil nuts and eggs so I’m a little wary to take a supplement for it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. If you have anything you think I should add or remove or anything or if you have any other tips.

Here are some sites I found some info on.

http://www.fertilityafter40.com/vitamins-supplements–male-fertility.html

http://www.whattoexpect.com/blogs/daddydazemycoworkersweardiapers/preconception-advice-for-men–vitamins-that-can-he

Vitamins and Supplements for Her

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I’ve done a bit of pseudo research about which vitamins and supplements both of us should be taking to help with fertility. All of this was done with a few google searches and some notes I took from the book “It Starts With The Egg”. Please note that this is what my husband and I are taking and obviously is not law and probably shouldn’t be taken without talking to your doctor first. Also, if you think of anything you feel I should be adding or removing please let me know. Most of these were bought on Amazon.

Ubiquinol

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I did a post previously about which brand of ubiquinol is the best. I ended up going with the Life Extension brand even though it’s very expensive (about $65 for a month’s supply for both of us). We’re both taking 200mg a day. Ubiquinol seems to be the infertility must-have. It’s an antioxidant that improves egg and sperm quality. I went to this site to decide which was the best one to go for. When looking at the ingredient labels it should say ubiquinol and not CoQ10 or ubiquinone. Most articles say that ubiquinol is superior but I did find one article that said it doesn’t matter which because your body will use both forms correctly. I’m sticking with ubiquinol though.

Fish Oil

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I’m taking 2,400mg (2 pills) a day. This is good if you’re doing IVF treatments as it’s supposed to help with embryo quality. They say not to take Flax Seed (has phytoestrogens that may cause miscarriage) or Cod Liver oil (may put you over your vitamin A limit that should be in your prenatal already).

Vitamin B12

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We each take one of these chewable tablets a day. They say a deficiency in B12 could interfere with ovulation and normal cell division and we can’t have any of that.

Vitamin E

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Another antioxidant that helps with infertility. There is vitamin E in my prenatal but not not enough so I’m adding 1 of these a day.

Vitamin D

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We all know how important vitamin D is for fertility and life in general but if not this article says it perfectly. I’m taking 2,000iu a day.

Vitamin C

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Another antioxidant. It’s said to help prevent luteal phase defects. Also it helps with ovulation when taken alongside clomid.

Folate

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Another must-have. If not the biggest must-have for women before pregnancy to help prevent neural tube defects. Folic acid can be found in your prenatal but I read that folate is better than folic acid so I’m taking 400mcg of folate a day.

Prenatal Multivitamin

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Now, I’m taking this out of habit because you’re supposed to take a prenatal before pregnancy. But right now I’m taking it mostly for the zinc and iron. Zinc is important for everything from keeping hormone levels stable to help eggs mature for fertilization. Iron helps with ovulation.

And that’s it for me. Tomorrow I’ll tell you what hubby is taking. If you have any other fertility supplement information please let me know. I’m not taking Vitex or Maca. Even though I’ve heard good things about them I’m not sure they’re good to take in combination with IVF hormone treatment. Do you have any input on these herbal supplements?

You can check out these sites to see where I got my information from:

http://www.thebump.com/a/vitamins-you-need-to-conceive

http://www.marilynglenville.com/womens-health-issues/fertility/

http://wellnessmama.com/1326/get-pregnant-naturally/

http://natural-fertility-info.com/vitamins-good-for-fertility

Sono results

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My RE called as I was buying a bag of highly overpriced airport Lay’s. Looks like I’m up for a hysteroscopy when I get back. He said it looks like there may be a polyp.

He wants to do it on day 5 of my cycle but I don’t think I’ll be back home by then. I’m willing my body to bleed late though. According to my period app I should be home on day 10. yeesh. Whatev’s, I’ll just go in in August.

He said half the time it’s nothing and half the time they have to to remove whatever is there. It does sound like the hysterscopy and the removal are 2 separate procedures which I’m not happy with. Why can’t he just do it in one go? I’ll have to ask when I call with day 1.

Oh dear, I just realized I’ll be on new insurance in August so maybe we’ll only be able to do this in September. Ugh.

The trip is going well. I picked up a lovely throat infection and I’m supposed to be working this first week so I’m in pj’s under the covers doing some work while my mum brings me food and meds. I can’t really be mad at that.

Hope everyone had a fantastic 4th of July weekend.

xx