Tag Archives: infertility

Mini Road Trip Reflections

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I just got back from an epic 2 hour trek to my clinic to draw one vial of blood for karyotype testing they thought would be a good idea.

I want to say I don’t mind that drive because I usually don’t but I think it was because it’s Saturday and it was early I was just getting increasingly gloomy the further I drove. It was a tough morning. I kept thinking of all my friends without fertility issues who never have to take this drive. I thought of how happy everyone must be to wake up to baby snuggles and not 1 inch needles going into their arms. I thought of the oldest man in the world driving 30 in the fast lane in front of me and simply would not move over. Why old man? Why?

To add insult to injure, yesterday I called the insurance and I guess I won’t be reimbursed for the PGD testing. I’ve made my peace with it. I mean at least we won’t be shelling out $7000 like last time. I’ll pay out of pocket for PGD every day if I have to.

I took a look at my calendar and realized that my next cycle will fall extremely close in time to my last cycle. A year. A full year between cycles has passed. Wow. I remember when our cycle failed I went through moments where I thought I wouldn’t even bother trying again. I’m trying to reflect on those and I remember being absolutely hopeless. And here I sit, a year on, hopeful again. I guess time really does heal.

Sure this morning I was grumpy and sad about our situation and the stupid HMO crap but that drive is entirely too long to garner any join from anyway.

I feel like infertility is testing me every step of the way. It sees I’m happy and ready to start round two and it’s like “Oh no she didn’t!”.. I’m not going to let it win!! I’m nervous but I’m excited by golly!! I’m ready!

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HMO my goodness!

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Goals goals goals!!

Now that we’ve started this very huge slow moving ball rolling, I’ve had to make a litany of phone calls to get all my shit together for our next cycle. It was a bit of a roller coaster but I’ve made my peace with it and I’m ready to set up goals and get my body and mind ready for round 2.

First, I had to call the PGD clinic again to make sure everything was all set there. We had a really good talk and she said that they do accept my insurance and that I wouldn’t have to pay anything, they would bill my insurance. I was over the moon!!! Then when I got the email from her it said that they don’t accept HMO policies… which, of course, is what I have. I think at that point I figured out what the saying “taking the wind out of my sails” meant. That’s exactly what it felt like. But I took the day and dusted myself off. Called my clinic and had them switch me to another PGD lab. This one charges $2400 for 8 embryos and $250 for every embryo above that and then $350 for the courier fee. And the good news is that I can self submit a claim to my insurance and they’ll likely refund everything except the courier fee.

Then today my nurse told me that I had filled out some of the consent forms incorrectly and that my PCP sent over the wrong physical exam report. Fixed the consent form issue lickatty split but now I have to make more calls to the PCP to get them to send the correct forms.

And finally, my nurse requested that I do a karyotyping blood test. Not sure if I’m spelling that correctly. Anyway, luckily they can do that on Saturday so I’ll do that then.

So I feel like we’ve accomplished a bit this week and now I can set up some goals for the next cycle. I’m still really sad that the PGD lab takes PPO policies but not HMO and there was a PPO policy available but I didn’t take it because I didn’t understand the difference until now. Apparently PPO is more flexible but generally more expensive and I actually read somewhere that “If you prefer to have your care coordinated through a single doctor, an HMO plan might be right for you. If you want greater flexibility or if you see a lot of specialists, a PPO plan might be what you’re looking for.” Why didn’t I read this when I was signing up? ARrrggh!!! I was really sad yesterday, even writing it now is making me sad again and I need to look ahead so we won’t dwell on it too much.

I suspect it will take me about 2 months to save up the money so I’m going into super save mode again. I’ve done it before with our last cycle so I’m not too worried about it. I’ll also be out of probation at work I think I’ll be ready to talk to my boss about coming in late on monitoring days. Yes, it’ll take about 2 months to work up the nerve.

Here are my goals:

  1. Save up the necessary money.
  2. Successfully follow the ketogenic diet plan I’ve been trying to follow
  3. Try Insanity workouts again (ugh, do I have to… okay that’s not the right attitude.. gotta hustle!!)
  4. Plan at least 6 fun cheap things to do on weekends so I can keep my mind occupied. That’s about 1 thing every two weeks until we can start. Luckily we have things lined up for the next 3 weekends so that’s cool.

I think that ought to do it for now. 2 months isn’t far away. I think I can do it if nothing expensive comes up haha. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some subscription boxes I have to cancel *sigh*.

Yay for Friday tomorrow!!

I Survived

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First things first, It hurt! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I don’t do pain. I’m the one who takes pain killers as soon as she sees her period starts. That way I don’t have to deal with the pain when it comes. They told me to take 600mg of Ibuprofen, I took 800 and it was still unbearable. That being said, if you’re waiting to do a hysteroscopy, this is not the post to read. I am an outlier.

I arrived at the clinic and hour early of course and we got going almost right on time. Me, Dr G, new nurse and veteran nurse showing her the ropes. They were doing less nursing and more standing in the corner judging my loser behaviour. I did ask the doctor why we were just looking today and not going in there with a pair of scissors and lopping off whatever didn’t belong. He said that he’s not sure that there’s anything there in the first place and if it’s a fibroid they wouldn’t be able to “lop” it off anyway. The other procedure is like a surgery and it might not be necessary here. I guess he was right, so I let him continue.

The speculum didn’t hurt more than it normally does, the iodine (I think that’s what it was) was uncomfy. The camera going in was painless and then came the saline solution. Cue cramps and swearing. It just felt like really bad period cramps. But more sharp. Localized in my ass for some reason. Anyway, over the internal screams in my head, I kept hearing the doctor say “picture” … “you’re doing great, just 10 more seconds”… “picture” (10 seconds later) “just 8 more seconds” (what?!!) “you’re doing great”… “picture”… “picture”…”aand we’re done”. And that was it.

The pain went away immediately after he took everything out. There was a gush of saline solution. Awesome. And then he took his sweet time to tell me that he saw nothing. I was so relieved because there was a 10 second pause where he looked a bit worried. But there you have it. He said can start the next cycle with my next period. Woohoo!!

No not yet… there’s still the matter of payment. So it looks like we have to pay for PGD testing up front. It does get fully reimbursed which is great. So I really can’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but we don’t have 5K lying around so we have to make a plan for that. Hopefully we can find a quick solution. But that also brings me to my next issue.

So, luckily my clinic opens at 6:30 for monitoring appointments and Monday I had to do a blood preggo test but work starts at 7 and I rolled in at 7:20. I’m not happy about that. My boss is cool about coming in late. He said coming in around 7:15 is fine but I really wasn’t happy and it doesn’t sit well with me that I’ll have to do this almost every day for 2 weeks without a good reason (I know this is best reason but it’s too soon to share this with him). Especially since it’s a new job and I’m still on probation.

I’m eager to start my next cycle. I’m so ready. I’m so very ready, but I also want to make a good impression because I really love this job. Where do I find a balance? I feel like I should sit out the next cycle and try for November (if we get the funds). I’ll be out of probation by then and I’ll find out if my boss even wants me to stay. And also, We may have to save up for a long time too so this could all be a moot point.

Sorry this was a long rambling post. I apologize for being all over the place. Thank you for keeping me in my thoughts and sending well wishes. They all seem to have worked.

There Must Be Something In The Water

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On Friday afternoon we spent the day at the bank attempting to adult. While we were there we had to see a notary for paperwork for the IVF clinic. There was a quiet in the room while we were signing. The familiar quiet that happens when someone wants to say something but doesn’t know how to begin. Neither of us looked up from our papers but I could feel the notary staring at us waiting for her gap.

“You guys doing In-vitro?” she asked. “No no, we’re filling this paperwork out for another couple, after you’ve just told us that it’s illegal to do so”.

Of course I didn’t say that, though. When she was looking over the papers part of me already knew that she either did IVF herself or knew someone who did. Call it infertili-sense. Turns out her sister has a 5 year old through IVF. It was twins but, sadly, one of them didn’t make it.

Now I’m not sure if it’s like when you’re in the market for a new car you suddenly see that car everywhere but it really seems like everyone I know is struggling to have a kid. So many people I know personally. It’s a little scary to me actually.

Granted I’m still seeing FB pregnancy announcements every other week but I wonder, if infertility wasn’t such an ugly step child, would there be an equal number of “Surprise, we’re infertile!” announcements. It sure feels like there would be.

I don’t think there was any point to this post but it was just something I noticed since we started this journey and I’m sure most of you will agree, there must be something in the water.

Vitamins and Supplements for Her

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I’ve done a bit of pseudo research about which vitamins and supplements both of us should be taking to help with fertility. All of this was done with a few google searches and some notes I took from the book “It Starts With The Egg”. Please note that this is what my husband and I are taking and obviously is not law and probably shouldn’t be taken without talking to your doctor first. Also, if you think of anything you feel I should be adding or removing please let me know. Most of these were bought on Amazon.

Ubiquinol

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I did a post previously about which brand of ubiquinol is the best. I ended up going with the Life Extension brand even though it’s very expensive (about $65 for a month’s supply for both of us). We’re both taking 200mg a day. Ubiquinol seems to be the infertility must-have. It’s an antioxidant that improves egg and sperm quality. I went to this site to decide which was the best one to go for. When looking at the ingredient labels it should say ubiquinol and not CoQ10 or ubiquinone. Most articles say that ubiquinol is superior but I did find one article that said it doesn’t matter which because your body will use both forms correctly. I’m sticking with ubiquinol though.

Fish Oil

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I’m taking 2,400mg (2 pills) a day. This is good if you’re doing IVF treatments as it’s supposed to help with embryo quality. They say not to take Flax Seed (has phytoestrogens that may cause miscarriage) or Cod Liver oil (may put you over your vitamin A limit that should be in your prenatal already).

Vitamin B12

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We each take one of these chewable tablets a day. They say a deficiency in B12 could interfere with ovulation and normal cell division and we can’t have any of that.

Vitamin E

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Another antioxidant that helps with infertility. There is vitamin E in my prenatal but not not enough so I’m adding 1 of these a day.

Vitamin D

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We all know how important vitamin D is for fertility and life in general but if not this article says it perfectly. I’m taking 2,000iu a day.

Vitamin C

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Another antioxidant. It’s said to help prevent luteal phase defects. Also it helps with ovulation when taken alongside clomid.

Folate

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Another must-have. If not the biggest must-have for women before pregnancy to help prevent neural tube defects. Folic acid can be found in your prenatal but I read that folate is better than folic acid so I’m taking 400mcg of folate a day.

Prenatal Multivitamin

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Now, I’m taking this out of habit because you’re supposed to take a prenatal before pregnancy. But right now I’m taking it mostly for the zinc and iron. Zinc is important for everything from keeping hormone levels stable to help eggs mature for fertilization. Iron helps with ovulation.

And that’s it for me. Tomorrow I’ll tell you what hubby is taking. If you have any other fertility supplement information please let me know. I’m not taking Vitex or Maca. Even though I’ve heard good things about them I’m not sure they’re good to take in combination with IVF hormone treatment. Do you have any input on these herbal supplements?

You can check out these sites to see where I got my information from:

http://www.thebump.com/a/vitamins-you-need-to-conceive

http://www.marilynglenville.com/womens-health-issues/fertility/

http://wellnessmama.com/1326/get-pregnant-naturally/

http://natural-fertility-info.com/vitamins-good-for-fertility

Sono results

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My RE called as I was buying a bag of highly overpriced airport Lay’s. Looks like I’m up for a hysteroscopy when I get back. He said it looks like there may be a polyp.

He wants to do it on day 5 of my cycle but I don’t think I’ll be back home by then. I’m willing my body to bleed late though. According to my period app I should be home on day 10. yeesh. Whatev’s, I’ll just go in in August.

He said half the time it’s nothing and half the time they have to to remove whatever is there. It does sound like the hysterscopy and the removal are 2 separate procedures which I’m not happy with. Why can’t he just do it in one go? I’ll have to ask when I call with day 1.

Oh dear, I just realized I’ll be on new insurance in August so maybe we’ll only be able to do this in September. Ugh.

The trip is going well. I picked up a lovely throat infection and I’m supposed to be working this first week so I’m in pj’s under the covers doing some work while my mum brings me food and meds. I can’t really be mad at that.

Hope everyone had a fantastic 4th of July weekend.

xx

Sonohysterogram and Other Updates

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Well hello! I just wanted to do another quick pop in to let you know what’s going on.

I had a sonohysterogram today. It was not fun. The nurse practitioner and the sonographer were sweethearts, of course. I should have warned them that I am a big baby.

The appointment was at 11:45 but we got there at 11 which they were really happy about. I think the sono wanted to head out early today. I was hoping N could join me to hold my hand but they whisked him upstairs for his repeat SA which he was tight lipped about afterwards. He just said that they gave him the shitty room again. Ah, the mind wonders.

They did a baseline ultrasound first and had only good things to say about my uterus, which is always a strange compliment to get but I’ll take it. The NP was awesome at explaining all her steps and her attempts to make me as comfy as possible. The devil’s hand speculum was pre-warmed (whaaat?! awesome) but still hurt like a mofo going in. The catheter was even worse. The first time I had a catheter in my uterus was when I had the IUD put in a few years ago. I almost cried that time. This felt like that. Horrible cramps that I could feel in my butt and down my legs. I was given a little respite when she took the speculum out but then the wand went in. That’s too many things in my vagina. I wasn’t happy.

After that it wasn’t the worst. It hurt a little when they squeezed the saline solution in. She did 2 big syringes which she apologized profusely for. It was just unpleasant. Trying to look interested in what someone is saying while saline solution is dripping out of your nether region is quite a story. On to the results.

So there was something odd. Despite my uterus being shaped nicely. We all saw something which to me looked like a tiny wall at the end (or beginning… or top… or bottom) of my uterus that split it in two but both sections were filling up with liquid. The NP said that it looks like something but it could be nothing and the doctor will have to tell me more. Great.

And then it was over. They took everything out and had me raise my butt so they could slide another puppy pad underneath me. When I sat up it all came gushing out. I was given a bit of privacy to get dressed and use the thickest pad known to man. Great to day to be wearing a g-string huh, dummy.

I met N outside and waited a bit so he could get a few vials of blood drawn. There was a tiny mishap and he was dripping blood down his arm but a band-aid and an ice pack cleared that up right quick.

Afterwards we grabbed some lunch and ran a few errands and now I’m home not working even though I should be.

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giant calzones!

I am of course Googling what I think I saw on my ultrasound. I have diagnosed myself with Asherman’s syndrome or it could just be a uterine synechia. The only reason I’m thinking Asherman’s is because my period only lasts for 2 days and there’s very little blood and those 2 days are cramp city. But those are the only 2 other symptoms. I doubt it’s that.

I have to be honest. I’m not too worried about it. It may be because whatever it is, we’ll get it sorted out. I’m not afraid of surgery or anything like that, I know that I have a great team working on this and it’ll get fixed and it’s just one step closer to a kiddo.

In other, more exciting news… I’m off to South Africa on Thursday for 3 weeks. I’m kinda bummed that I’m doing this trip solo. It’s the longest I’ll be without my dude since I came here. Kinda bummed is an understatement actually. I’m trying to cry just writing it. It’s weird bursting with excitement and sadness at the same time. I may need to up my chocolate intake.

I have to start packing right now because I don’t want to have to stress about it tomorrow as we have to leave the house at 2am on Thursday. I land at noon on Friday and then Saturday is wedding number 1. After that I’ll take the 7hr drive on Monday with my parents to Cape Town to visit family and friends until the 18th then it’s back to my home town for my brother’s wedding on the 25th. I get back here on the 28th then I’ll have my LAST THREE DAYS at my old job! Ack!!!

It’s all happening so quickly. Before I know it I’ll be starting IVF round 2. Yay! In the meantime I am going to make a concerted effort to blog more, even if it won’t be too much infertility stuff. I’ve completely abandoned my ttc instagram account. I try to pop in every now and again but I don’t feel connected to anyone there anymore and I fear when I’m ready to start a new round people will think I’m just there to take support but I wasn’t there to give support. Whatever, I like you ladies better anyway.

So there you have it. I hate that sonohysterograms are necessary. I hate that all this invasive testing is necessary, but it is and, again, it’s just one step closer to baby time.

I hope everyone is doing well. I’ll pop in again when I’m safe and surrounded by nieces and nephews. xx

Ubiquinol??

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Just jumping in really quickly to ask a quick question before I work ends. I’m in the market for some CoQ10 to help my eggies and mister’s spermies (if he ever reads this he’s going to be so angry I said spermies lol)

Anyway. I know I should be looking for ubiquinol over ubiquinone and I’m look for 200mg but if anyone has any other information before I make this investment, that would be awesome! I’m dealing with information overload and I’m not sure which to pick.

Is 200mg too much? Should I try 100 first?

So far I’m looking at the Vitamin Shoppe brand and Jarrow Formula brand. I’m on the Ubiquinol website but there’s too much to choose from.

Please help, Love you, Thanks! Bye!

confused

Chasing Pavements

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Isn’t it funny how sometimes when you’re listening to music at work, there’s one song that comes on that puts into words exactly what you’re feeling and you end up tearing up right when your boss comes over to ask how the day’s going? No, not funny? Yeah, you’re right.

I’m learning so many new things everyday with the IVF process. Today’s lesson(s): Always check, double check, and triple check what your insurance carrier tells you vs what your clinic tells you. Do not, under any any circumstances, assume that what 2 people say is law. Do not trust anything that sounds too good to be true as far as your insurance carrier covering certain procedures. If you do this, you will most likely end up with a surprise bill that you in no way budgeted for and you will invariably find yourself at your desk listening to Adele ask the tough questions, with tears in your eyes playing it off as the end of big yawn so your boss would just go away.

I don’t want to go into too much detail because I’ve since made my peace with it and realize that fighting with my insurance company over a what someone told me over the phone in September is not going to make them reverse their decision or even investigate the matter. But I have 100% learned my lesson and I a wiser for it.. and a little more bitter.

“Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements?”… I don’t know, Adele.. That’s a good question. That’s how I felt on Tuesday after reading the bill and talking to the rudest lady in the collections department at the genetics lab. Just when I came to terms with moving IVF #2 out a few months. I’m now having to come to terms with pushing it out another few more months. And we all know how gut wrenching all this waiting is. I honestly didn’t even want to bother anymore.

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I can’t deal with waiting. Why I break into a cold sweat just thinking about it. And it’s simply because I don’t like that feeling I get when someone I know personally gets pregnant. Don’t like is putting it mildly. We all know the feeling. But can I really live my life in fear while waiting? My friends are either trying to get pregnant, getting married so pregnancy is sure to follow at some point, or talking about baby number 2 and I am experiencing anxiety and depression even though it hasn’t even happened yet. I’m already depressed about pregnancies that are only in my head. I feel like I won’t recover if someone else I love becomes pregnant before me. Really? really?

So I started to shift my thinking… In the time we started this journey 5 of my loved ones have become pregnant before me. 3 of them have given birth to beautiful little angels. And me? I survived through all of it. Was I devastated? Yes. Did I make it through? Absolutely.

The bottom line is that life goes on. People are 100% going to get pregnant before me and I will 100% be a broken mess for a few days (or weeks) and I will 100% get up and carry on. I cannot be afraid of something I have no control over. That’s no way to live. I have to start to live again.

Now I don’t know where we stand with IVF #2 anymore. I have a few things going on that I’m excited about and right now IVF #2 does not excite me. I almost can’t believe I’m saying that but it’s true. The way the genetics lab and my insurance carrier have handled this bill has left a very bitter taste in my mouth and I have two work with both of these entities again when I’d really rather just spit in their respective faces (especially that rude bitch on the phone).

I’m not giving up, Adele. And I’m not chasing pavements either. I am just going to try and regain control of my little world for now.

Just Five More Minutes, Mom

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I’m afraid my blog is going to become decidedly boring if you’re only looking for TTC related posts. We do have a new plan for making a baby but it involves a hiatus of at least 5 months, which I’m finally okay with since I have a lot to do to prepare.

My WTF appointment went really well. He’s decided to start me on higher doses of meds (Menopur and Gonal F) in the beginning and then dropping me down after, if the need arises. That way we’re not catching up. He’s also going to make me get 2 different triggers (Lupron and a different one, I forget which) and then decide which to use based on follicle sizes at the end.

And because my insurance is as it is we have to redo some of the diagnostic tests. N’s SA, disease screening, etc. But a new test is the sonohysterogram. I’m obviously dreading this but it’s a long way away so no need to work myself up now.

I think that was all but of course, now there’s the wait. I’ve said this before but it bares repeating. My insurance only covers 2 cycles at 80%. The catch is that they count a retrieval and a transfer as two separate cycles. We had them cover our first retrieval and we paid for the transfer out of pocket. Now we’re going to repeat this process and have to save up the 20% for the retrieval and another 5ish grand for the transfer…

So there you have it. The wait is on.. again. I do have plenty of things to do in between then and now to keep myself occupied but I’m still not done hiding under the blankets. I’m not ready to start fighting yet. I think it’s because I’ve realized now how big of a fight it is. I know I can do it but it’s so much easier to stay under the blankets.

Maybe tomorrow…

download Quote Nothing in life worth having comes easy